FUMING WITH FURY!

Okay, Explain to me one thing, in Iran apparently bestiality is allowed but if a person has consensual adult sex with another man then he is tortured to death-how does that make sense? Oh, I'm sorry how can I forget Allah just hates it when two men make love- that's just sooo obscene- but he totally digs it when pious Muslims stone those disturbing sodomites to death. And Allah loves it when young heterosexual lovers are hanged in public for having sex out of wedlock. Come on now, really, can anyone seriously believe that God can be just as cruel, bigoted and sadist as human beings are?

I am writing this after reading, once again, that my country is one of the handful barbaric countries left that actually prescribe stoning to death for homosexuality and adultery and whipping for fornication. Well, here's my silver lining, atleast no one in Pakistan has been convicted for homosexuality, let alone punished but that's too much to say for Iran, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Syria or Egypt. God, it's so horrific to read the punishment meted out to gays in Iran and Saudi Arabia. And all of this in Allah's name!

And another thing those of you who think that what happened in 9/11 was horrific and are dead against that sort of thing and so support the war on terror because you would rather fight the enemy outside America than in your backyard...Well, if you are really so appalled at that kind of senseless killing of innocent people then I just don't understand how you could support the killing of thousands of innocent Iraqis or afghans? If you are hell bent on being just as inhumane as Osama then you really have no right to condemn his actions. PERIOD!!

GOD! I HATE THESE FUCKING HAWKISH, DIMWITTED, FUNDAMENTALIST RELIGIOUS TYPES and their conservative republican cousins!

YOU'RE ALL SURVIVORS

What really amazes me is the human ability to cope with the stresses of life. There are so many traumatic events that most of us go through that common sense would make it seem as if people would either die or go crazy but instead people pass through all sorts of horrible events and still are able to smile. Yes, I was watching the movie 'It's a beautiful life' for the millionth time and it never seems to lose it's appeal. How a person can live through the horrors of war and holocaust and still never stops seeing the beauty of life is mind blowing.

Recently, I was chatting with the maid who cleans my house when I learned about the horrors she has gone through. Her husband used to beat the shit out of her, till one day she landed in the emergency rom and the authorities took notice and she finally divorced the bastard but then her family excommunicated her because she dared to divorce her husband (still taboo in traditional families) and then she lost one limb in an accident but she told me that she didn't give up instead she vowed that she'll make it on her own and she started working as a maid. That is the human spirit to live I'm talking about!

Today there was a huge family get-together. Everybody was there and all of us were laughing and making merry. But with us was one of our aunt who has terminal cancer and is only 40 years old. We all know she is going to die. And I'm sure everyone of us have many other problems that torment us but it's amazing how humans seem to forget all of that when they get together. I read in some psychology magazine about this: We switch to a special frame of mind when we're in a party or in a group of friendly people. We laugh, hug, joke and just seem so care free.

Don't you think it's amazing?

ALL THE WORLD'S A STAGE...

Today I went to the quintessential Ramazan party. It is characterised by everyone staring longingly at the numerous dishes infront of them from the time they arrive till sunset. And then as soon as the muezzin calls out the azaan everyone literally fall on the food! Then after about an hour of nothing but gorging when everyone's stomachs are full they start having a real conversation. No matter what the conversation is about it ALWAYS turns to politics. Always! And the US presidential race is the hot topic.
Anyway, today I met an old friend -who moved to New York 3 years ago-after a long time. I had a great time catching up. He told me that he had recently worked on a set of a movie. I was thrilled at his account of behind-the-scenes chaos. He even said that he flirted with some supporting actress! And then he said that I should act aswell because I was always the best actor in school. I always participated in every dramatic event and was really good at it. And that woke up the latent but always present desire to act. Maybe someday I will!

Mr.Sexy is looking my way and now he's coming here!

And then he looked at me and smiled. I smiled back. He came towards me; my heart raced. He came close and said-I held my breath-, "Would you mind moving from this table as me and my friend always sit here." I felt some part of my mind laughing and another just full of pity. "Umm...sure!" I said. I left the table at the restaurant and he sat and chatted there with some girl, who looked like his girlfriend. I felt odd so I left the place.

MY FIRST FACIAL

Ohhhhh... I had such a wonderful day today! Today when I woke up I felt that I needed to pamper myself as a reward for the intense studying I've been doing for the the last couple of days. I thought about it and the thought of getting a facial suddenly popped in my mind. Now, eventhough I'm gay, that thought seemed really weird and alien. What? Me? I never had a facial before. I actually always yearned for it but I just felt as if it was too embarrassing and revealing but today I thought, 'Fuck it! I've got to stop worrying about what others think and do what I want' So I did!

I wanted it to be a really special day so I didn't want to go to one of those dime a dozen barber shops. No, I went to a really sleek, sophisticated, high-end salon for men. It was heaven from the time I stepped in! The interior, decor, furniture, ambience and service was impeccable. I felt like a king! I sat waiting on those extra-comfy couches in the reception area waiting for my appointment and meanwhile browsed through a great selection of magazines. Then my turn finally came and a beautiful girl was introduced to me as my facial expert. And believe me she did a great job at the facial. After sometime I emerged from the salon a satisfied person and made a mental-note to save for a hair-cut from this place.

If that wasn't enough; I went on a self-indulgence over-drive and bought a worth-dying-for brand new pair of Don Carlos shoes! Wow, so much pampering for so little work.

This must be the most gay (in every sense of the word) day I've had in my life. I think I'm getting gayer by the day.

COOL!

HOW TO SURVIVE RAMADAN!

TACTICS ON HOW TO SURVIVE RAMADAN FOR 'BAD' MUSLIMS:

So here we are in the middle of Ramadan and wishing somehow that someone would come and make it easier to pass the month. Well, guess what? The devil has arrived and he is equipped with practical tips on surviving Ramadan.

First, if you are bold enough to publicly declare that you won't keep a fast and actually have guts to eat infront of people then wonderful but for all you other less brash souls there are always other ways to celebrate the holy month.

1) WATER: The prohibitation on drinking water is the most grueling and ofcouse you want to stay well hydrated because you read that it keeps your skin glowing. Not to fret; there's a way. Sneakily put one filled bottle in a hiding place, like your closet, from which you can drink water anytime you crave it.

2) FOOD: If you're living in a house where people are always in the kitchen then it's going to be really hard to grab some snacks occasionally BUT what you can do is, again, use your closet! Put as many snacks in your closet as you can and whenever you feel hungry just lock your room, open the closet and gorge! You can buy your favorite snacks e.g: Pringles, Oreos or Nimko from the neighborhood shop in the evening and then strore them in the closet for times of famine.

3) PRAYERS: If you happen to live in a family which is pious enough to force you to pray then there's only two options: rebel or pose. Posing involves telling everyone that you like to pray in your room and then you take the prayer mat in your room, lock the door, chill out and emerge after a while from your room commenting on how calming prayers can be!

4) SEX: You can just forget about abstaining from sex, don't even think about it. Yup, the good old privacy of your room...Got it?

Last note: If you have a slight guilty feeling what will you do? Pray? Fast? NO! You're going to dig in your deep pockets and actually give some of the money you were hoarding to the poor and destitute. You are going to help people and be kind. You're going to be accepting, accommodating and just. I'm sure that will please Allah more than a thousand fasts and prayers.

THE DEVIL HAS SPOKEN!

MY DRUG OF CHOICE

I didn't consciously realize it before but now it's clear to me: Work is my drug! It's almost amazing how potent a drug drudgery can be. A day in which I do some work and manage to accomplish the tasks set, I feel satisfied and elated. Not only is it a good time pass but it's a great mood-enhancer. And a day in which I don't study or do other chores, my mood seems really down. I feel melancholy and discontent.

So accordingly I should be working like a bona fide workaholic but I don't. Nope, not at all. It's a very rare day that I actually accomplish enough to call it a productive day. I have a mental block that literally makes it really hard for me to sit down and start studying or to do any other required chore. But what's amazing is that the insurmountable difficulty of work seems to last only till I start working. The hard part is only getting started, as once I start there is no difficulty and I actually enjoy working.

Weird, huh?

WORDS COMING STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now but it sure is a strange feeling. It's as if there is a sad feeling but also a weird fascinated feeling. I am hating my life and at the same time am amazed at it and liking it. Sometimes, I feel as if I am in a drama and so everything, whether good or bad, is experienced in a dramatic way and so it's very much about being involved with life.

Sometimes I think I actually enjoy being sad. Experiencing emotions and strong feelings is draining but also kind of appealing (for lack of better words). There is something about lying alone in my room, listening to melancholic or deep music, wondering about life, sighing, peeking out of my window & watching the moon. There is a whole drama to it. In a perverse way pain can be something one unconsciously seeks and enjoy or maybe it's a way of dealing with problems and harmful emotions. It's like something really hurts you and you hate it BUT hating, being down and all the drama involved is also a way of experiencing life and actually quite a good one. I don't understand it at all, it's just such a paradox.

I know that right now I am feeling lonely, isolated, inadequate and life seems so hard but at the same time the loneliness brings to surface emotions of yearning for another person and that thought brings forth such bitter sweet emotions. And thinking about what I've been through and what I'm going through gives a sense of accomplishment and perseverance. And the hardships also seem part of the magic of life. I just can't help it, life fascinates me eventhough I hate it right now and that's the paradox.

So as I cry to be released from all the pain and problems, the crying itself
becomes my celebration of life!

ALLAH GETS IN A NAUGHTY MOOD

What was that theory called, the one that said: if anything can go wrong then it will! Maybe it was called the Murphy law. Anyway, today I understood that the person who came up with that theory must be a genius or as unlucky as yours sincerely.

Today I took time out to surf online and apply to universities and I was prepared to spend about 6-7 hours in thorough research of my prospects. I was all ready and bursting with enthusiasm, I opened the net and started to google when an error dialog box suddenly appeared from hell announcing that my net credits had expired. DAMN! I needed to buy internet hours. I thought, 'well, shit happens, I'll just go and buy an internet card.' So I went to the market bought a card, set up an account and opened a form of application. I was deep in concentration when, HUH? The computer shut off; the power had gone! It's not unusual for the power to fail in Pak but why does it always choose the most appropriate moments? That's the question; why do things fail, break or get lost when you need them the most otherwise they're lying around like a nuisance but when you need them then something happens to them.

So, there I was frustrated and irritated staring at the monitor and cursing. The light came after 3 god forsaken hours and by that time I was simmering in anger. I got online again and actually managed to fill a few forms and then God decided he needed to tease me a little more so guess what he thought of? He sent an army of relatives at my place and being the proper Pakistani I am, I had to entertain them and give them all my attention. Curse my parents for drumming into my head that one has to maintain good relations with one's million relatives. Curse this extended family!

By the time they all left I was too tired to continue my quest to find the perfect college but I knew I had to so I forced myself to start again and then OUAC application for international students link failed to open and it was the most important part of the procedure. And after failing to open it after a lot of tries I got so frustrated that I kicked my foot in anger and then Allah played the last joke: My foot got caught in the power cord and flicked the plug out of the power switch, the computer shut off and all my (foolishly) unsaved documents-which took alot of time to download and fill- got lost forever and ever.

I was stunned and then all of a sudden I saw the joke of it all. "Okay Allah, you win. Sheesh, don't you love to play games with me." I was shaking my head and laughing at the thought of my helplessness, I must be looking really demented. But guess what, there's always a tomorrow.

Let's wait till tomorrow Allah, then we'll play again!

GOTHIC IMPULSES

Misunderstood Goth movement:

All around the world many disaffected, resentful, rebellious teenagers are taken in by the Goth world. They find it a very suitable expression of their state of mind and therefore derive some solace from it. They say that almost every gay teen has to go through a Goth phase. It's a huge overstatement but there is some underlying truth in that and it is true as far as I am concerned. I have been influenced by the Goth movement from about two years. But whatever gothness I have has always been well hidden and never allowed to be incorporated in my personality. But sometimes I really want to start wearing black, dyeing my hair and wearing gothic makeup.



I want to act like a Goth as a statement of rebellion and because I could never fit in this society. And I despise this society for rejecting me and so I want to reject it and Goth seems perfect for that. I relate to Goth music and art.



But I guess being a Goth is just a wild desire which is never going to see the light of day. God, just imagining the reaction of my parents and the million relatives- common in the close-knit Paki extended family system- is enough to force even the thought of doing anything too unconventional out of my mind. But maybe someday I would be able to do what I want to do and live my life my way and then, I guess, I wouldn't even need Goth.

Kinda ironic.

ANGLICAN WOES: OH NO! NOT GAY!

Even though my life is far from good or even satisfactory, it is actually in a pretty awful state right now, but somehow I have been feeling quite good for the last copule of days. And another thing I've noticed is that from the last 6 months or so my self-image has been improving. I've always had a bad relationship with myself but now I actually like myself and enjoy my own company. And that's not just a good development, that's an awesome development! And I seem to have developed a heretofore unknown streak of narcissism. Maybe it has to do with the new full-length mirror in my room. I never had a mirror in my room before but now that I do I keep on observing my image when I dress and otherwise. And I have a really strong need to be with someone.

Today I was talking to a kinda-friend from high school and I was discussing why I find it hard to make friends and he said, "You send a really strong maintain-a-distance, don't-get-too-chummy and don't-touch-me vibe." And these words really seemed to hit the truth but I have no idea how to stop generating those vibes and sending such signals. It almost seems impossible.

Now moving on to a topic that has been knawing my brain lately:



Gene Robinson: he is a gay Anglican bihop of New Hampshire and his ordination has caused a great hue and cry around the world. The world Anglican community is literally shouting at the North American Anglican church for what they call 'a grave mistake.' It's almost sickening to hear reports from different countries about how priests and bishops are condemning this act. And seeing all of this discrimination done in God's name just seems unbelievable. It reminds me of a time when blacks used to be extremely discriminated and thought an almost sub-human race and so miscegenation was illegal. The leaders and people of that time practised such immoral, discriminatory acts and fully justified them in God's name and their false moral system. But now we look down on that time as uncivilised and injust. We see the wrongs of our ancestor and feel proud that we are much humane, but it seems that atleast when it comes to sexual orientation we still haven't grown up. Do the people who are issuing statements against Gene realize that their descendents are going to look down on them and think what bigotted asses they were? And I wonder:

haven't we learned anything from our past mistakes?

YOWZA! OLDER MEN!

Okay so now that I have confirmed my belief that sexuality is weird but awesome let's move on to the interesting part-my sexual preferences!

1) Older mature men. Preferably in the 35-50 age group. Ever since I hit puberty this is the age group that majorly featured in my fantasies and being loved by a man in this age group turns me so on. So here's an embarrassing expose`: I used to get really turned on by some of my dad's friends. And there was this police man must be late 30s who kinda flirted with me last year and I felt so good although a little terrified aswell. I feel now that I'm getting older and so losing my boyish appeal but I knew before that older men would love to caress my youthful body. That thought turned me so on. Lying next to a nurturing man, who is besotted by me and who feels every nook and cranny of my body and a person I can talk with for hours. Kinda like a wise teacher who guides me through life and also loves my soul and body. Something akin to greek pedagogigal eros.

2) Sometimes people who I really hate turn me really on. It's something about those abnoxious, stupid, irritating but sexy guys. The ones who're kinda dumb and you just hate their simplistic way of thinking and they drive you crazy but ohhhhhh do they turn me on! The uncouth, unsophisticated pigs! Definately weird!

3) One pet turn-on thought: someone lusting over my butt! Hehehe

4) When I was 16 sometimes I would cut up pictures of someone I thought really hot from newspapers and magazines and then put that piece of paper in my underwear and walk around all day like that. Something about having the image of someone so sexy so close to me. But then as I grew older I somehow turned in to a relative prude and tried to supress such sexually kinky stuff and so I almost don't do anything as weird, but pleasant, like that, cause it isn't as pleasurable now as it makes me uncomfortable now.

The list is really long and I'm sleepy [Afterall, I have to wake up at sehri (5 a.m) as I have to keep my fast]...maybe some other day.

Oh, what a gift sex is!

AWESTRUCK

Today I was observing a baby and I noticed how curious and inquisitive these little pieces of meat are. They-and children- are full of zest and energy and seem surprised, amazed and fascinated by life and the world surrounding them. They intently observe everything, feel things, taste and smell them.



As we get older we seem to lose our fascination for this truly amazing world and start to view life in a monotonous, day-to-day frame of mind. We start to take things for granted and stop observing and thinking about stuff surrounding us. But there are so many things in this world that are just so amazingly miraculous.

Like, birth; it happens daily and we seem to take it for granted and don't make much of it but if we just think then we realize the mind-blowing miracle it is. There are also so many small things that we experience everyday in our life that are awe inspiring but just because we are so used to them we never give them a second thought.

Sexuality is one such matter. It never ceases to amaze me. The physical intercourse part itself is so vast and intricate but it is just a relatively small part of sexuality. There are innumerable thoughts, emotions, behaviors, gestures, words etc. that can turn us on but might have apparently nothing to do with the act of copulation. Because copulation is not even the main domain of sexuality. We enter the sexual phase of mind from so many things and some acts can be our main source of sexual pleasure and they might not be even related to copulation.

There is so much diversity is preferences and styles that it just flabbergasts me. There are people who get turned on by items of clothing, others by the act of polishing other people's shoes (sheesh, imagine that!) And these acts in their own right might become the principle component of a person's sexuality. Although these are unusual and extreme examples but the fact remains sexuality is NOT just about copulation or related stuff but instead it is a whole intricate and enigmatic sphere of a person's consciousness.

Just realizing that fact makes one awestruck at the complexity, miraculousness and beauty of it all. Human beings are such complicated mysterious animals and nature is inexplicably beautiful and intricate. And so when I think of all this, I remind myself not to let the dehumanizing ordeal of day-to-day living and monotonous schedules make me view humans, life and this world in a bland, nothing-special frame of mind.

AMAZING!

SEX AND THE CITY

After watching endless reruns of 'sex annd the city', I'm too full of Carrie's theories to even make sense of what I should write except:

What the fuck is the problem with TV programs sterotyping gays all the time. It makes it seem as if there is some fixed type of gay personality. It's pathetic.

God, I have run out of sexy fantasies and I feel so been there-done that with masturbation. I need to find something exciting and new to get me hot like a newly emerged pubescent!

Bye!

RAMAZAN BLUES

And so it begins...

Tomorrow I'm going to have to get up around 4 am and EAT! yes, that how ramazan is and then I'm going to starve till sunset. Come to think of it, ramazan seems like a really strange event but it turns out that starving oneself is the favorite method of atoning for ones sins in Islam and for that matter in Christianity and Judaism. All three of these religions have some sort of fasting rituals. And all 3 of these religions completely fail to make such sense to me.

I'm always torn between my desire to be tolerant and accepting of religions and their believers and my own beliefs and the dangers and irrationality I perceive in organized religions. So right now I want to point out the flaws I see in ramazan but my liberal side wants me to be accepting of others beliefs. But I see that I can express my beliefs and still accept other people's right to believe what they want.

Here's what I really think: I always get a little blue during ramazan. I never liked ramazan because the whole thing is such a charade. I see people who have been doing all kinds of stuff act all pious for a month. And it's not as if they become pious in things that really matter like lying, bribing, cruelty, crime etc. NO, they stop listening to music, watching movies and start criticizing other people on how they practice their religion. And throughout the whole month religious lectures are broadcast on TV all day long exhorting people to become even more narrow-minded and indoctrinating hate. And all entertainment dies out. I get sick of all the pseudo-religiosity and being surrounded by it makes me feel insecure as people seem to lose even the little sense of reasoning and rationality they sometimes have. And that's what makes eid (which comes at the end of ramazan) such a festive occasion!

GREAT DAY!

It is very occasional that I have a really satisfying day but today was just that. I actually worked today and that is something I almost never do and is a source of constant guilt and anxiety. I have wasted 3 years of my life like this by just procrastinating and not working properly. And I ate delicious food; had an ecstatic orgasm; had a blissful shopping spree and did a few chores that needed to be done from a long time. And as the day comes to an end, I type on my keyboard and hope for more such great days!

ciao

UGLY ME (PART 2)

By the time I was 14 I was in a much healthier state of mind. But that didn't mean that I had started to like my looks. No sir, I still believed I was ugly but it just didn't bother me to the extent it used to before. And people didn't rub it in so much and weren't so mean to me either.

But then strange things began to happen. I found out that a girl in my school had a HUGE crush on me! I was shocked because I couldn't believe that anyone could have a crush on someone with such average looks. I was flattered but it never changed by perception about my looks. But then I found out that there were 3 more girls who liked me! I was so confused and surprised. At the same time people began to compliment me about my looks but somehow I could never believe them. When I was 15 there was a slam book being passed around in class and there was a question about who was the best-looking boy in the class and to my astonishment many people had written my name. But due to my past experiences and familiar and firmly entrenched role as an ugly and unlikeable, unpopular person those things never really affected me.

I guess over the years I have stopped believing that I'm ugly and I like my looks now. But somethings never seem to change like my under confidence and low self-esteem. Although I do believe that I'm not ugly but I still think that somehow my looks are of no use and don't make any difference. I stll expect people to behave just as bad to me as before. I feel that even if I am the most sexiest person alive people will still not want to be my friend and as if there is just something missing. I feel as if I can't get any respect.

I know where these mind blocks come from, they can be traced to my early years and the horrific 10th and 11th year of my life. It seems as if I never completely recovered. I must have been damaged somehow because I can't seem to socialize and interact properly. It's like a self-fulfilled prophecy again. There is a deep-rooted insecurity about my self-worth that won't go and no matter how good-looking I am it still doesn't really makes any difference when it comes to being accepted, integrated, bonded and respected. I'm still discarded and unappreciated.

I wonder is it the Thomas theorem again? Is it because I believe that no one will ever like me or want to be my friend that I actually somehow make it become true by not opening my self to other possibilities. But it's too hard to break the cycle. I can't convince myself otherwise and no one proves any other truth to me either. And so I keep on feeling unwanted and as if people won't let me get too close to them. Therefore, I don't risk any furthur embarrassment and keep my distance. In college a friend of mine said that when he first met me he thought I was a very confident and popular person but he found out the opposite very soon and he said that he always wondered why I had become this way; why I kept my distance and am such a loner as he felt that originally I couldn't be that way and it was contradictory. I wonder if there could be any truth to that. But I just can't image being loved by anyone or being special for someone. I can't imagine someone considering me worth being close to rather than just a formal aquaintance and I've resigned myself to being a formal aquaintance for everyone, even my family.

THE END

UGLY ME (PART 1)

'Each to each a looking glass,
Reflects the other that doth pass.'

Most of us construct a looking-glass self; meaning that we value ourselves according to how people treat us or make people's comments our realities. And if we latch on to the negative images we start believing in them and acting them out and so make them real (Thomas theorem). I'm a live example of this phenomenon:

One of my very earliest memories is of being ridiculed and bullied by other children. I remeber denigrating remarks about my looks. So from the very start of the socialization process I developed a negative self-image and low self-esteem. Since we judge ourselves according to how people treat us, my self-image was really bad. Because of this I suffered from under confidence. As I grew older the situation seemed to get worse and it really became extreme when I was 10 and 11. It seems that as my self-esteem fell correspondingly people became more meaner and abusive. The way I defined myself was also the way other people defined me. I looked down on myself and ofcourse people were not going to leave my vulnerability alone.

Ever heard of the Thomas theorem? It states 'What people define as true becomes true in it's consequence.' So, if one thinks one is inferior then one will act on that supposed truth and make it real; that's what I did. When I was 11, things had gotten so bad that I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. That was the only time in my life in which I must have been really suffering from some mental problem because of the trauma. I had physical symptoms of constantly racing heart, palpitation and cold sweaty palms. I couldn't function properly and the world seemed so bleak. Because of that time I know what real depression really feels like. But one day it all changed: It was a weekend and I woke up late, and the moment I woke up I started feeling as if there was a huge boulder on my chest, I couldn't breath. And I felt a sudden panic. I must have stayed like that for an hour until I managed to get up. Then somehow I thought that this was it, I am going to move on. I thought that, yes, I might be ugly but that doesnt mean that I can't have friends or can't be liked and respected. And this was such a radical thought because all along the anguish was due to my constant denial and fear of being ugly. I felt as the world would end if I was ugly and whenever someone made fun of me or something made me think that I was ugly then I got really depressed. But now I felt relieved at the totally new reality construction I had made. Now I felt as if it didn't matter if I was ugly or not because either way my life could be satisfactory. The new paradigm changed every thing, I stopped relating looks with my self-worth and I stopped being so sensitive about people's comments.

What's really amazing is that as my confidence and self-esteem rose, the abuses and degrading comments decreased sharply. And as things improved I also improved. And over the next 2 years I had almost recovered from the demented state of mind I was in and the related tics and behavior. Like, I never used to look in the mirror but gradually I started looking in the mirror and facing my reflection. And in public I always felt tense and as if everyone was staring at me and my face used to feel as if it was constantly throbbing; all of that ended. I couldn't look people in the eyes but that also changed. And this is a perfect example of the Thomas Theorem. It's as if people can sense your self-esteem as respond to it and in the process make you believe in the reality you've constructed in your mind. Nobody called me ugly after 13 and I stopped believing in it aswell and so I changed my defination of reality and made it real.

Continued...

OH, SWEET PUPPY LOVE! YEAH RIGHT!

I fell in love with a girl when I was 15. "WHAT?!" you ask, "yes, that's true" I reply. That leaves you scratching your head and makes me realize that I need to clarify. They say almost all gays have girlfriends or crushes on girls when they were in high school; I don't know if that statement is correct, but I do know that I had a crush on a girl.

Okay, so here's the dig... this happened when I was going through the phase in which I was denying my homosexuality when it was assaulting my senses every single day. The time when I felt attracted to men and felt nothing towards girls and completely blocked the obvious by believing I was not gay. I was desperate to convince my increasingly cynical rational part of brain that I was straight despite all the obvious signs. So, I made myself think that I had a crush on a girl in my class. In reality I didn't really feel anything but the brain is a strange machine as I actually kept on fooling myself eventhough deep down inside I knew that I was just kidding myself. But that's what the power of denial is, I couldn't face the truth so even the ridiculous felt like the truth.

I kept on thinking about 'that girl' and tried to become her really close friend and just when our friendship seemed to be really blooming I confessed my undying love for her. She just completely lost her bearing!

At first she tried to talk me into senses but I was stubborn so she stopped talking to me. I realized that I didn't really love her when I felt no remorse what so ever at her refusal to talk to me anymore and then I knew thatI had lost a great friend in the madness.

When a person's first crush story is so pathetic, is he supposed to cry or just laugh at the irony of it all?!

THE SIMPLE LIFE

No wonder Paris Hilton is finding it so hard to live the simple life; cause it is hard!


I keep on hearing people constantly complain about urban living and glamorise the rural villages and it's completely true that rural areas are much peaceful and simple. And that's just it: they are drab. I am such an urbanite that staying in some isolated rural spot for too long, even on a vacation starts to get on my nerves. So I would much rather live in the fast paced stressful, complex, info-laden, confusing jungle the city is.



I love the freedom one gets in a big metropolitan. And the varied experiences one gets, the diversity of people and beliefs. Since everyone is so different, no one can expect everyone to behave or believe in some fixed notion or belief. And when one is living in a city it is like you can feel the pulse of life and activity. And one feels connected to the global world and in touch with modern life and lifestyles. So many material and non-material experiences. An urban person is likely to be much more aware and complex and in the process has a much more nonsimplistic way of thinking which the village hillbilly doesn't get. Relativity isn't easy to learn in an environment where everyone is almost the same, wear the same clothes, have the same lifestyle, believe in the same god!

So, I'd rather spend my life in a big city than anywhere else!

HOW DID I BECOME GAY?

One of the most intriguing and puzzling question about human nature remains unsolved: nature vs. nurture. Are we the product of our socialization and experiences or are our personalities and other qualities biologically endowed? There are advocates of both theories known as constructionists and naturalists but it seems to me that the most logical explanation lies somewhere in between. Both biology and nurturance has to play a part, but to what degree and in which qualities is the question to be reckoned with.

I must confess, this puzzle has often consumed my brain neurons. Because I have always wondered how did I become gay? And after a lot of thinking, over many years, I have found out that, first, it is a highly complex subject and, second, it may vary from individual to individual. Although both nature and nurture may play some part in everyone but it might be that nature, or for that matter nurture,might be the main cause of homosexuality with the other being an enhancer of a sort. But atleast in my case nature seems to be the main cause. I have had a perfectly normal childhood, with no sexual abuse and my relationship with both of my parents was normal and healthy. And I wasn't exposed to any homosexual elements in society either. In fact, I didn't know what the word gay meant before I was very close to puberty. I never ever suspected I was gay before puberty. Even when I had that sexual experiece with 'the boy' (my pre-adolescent penis experiences a fine butt), I still didn't suspect I was gay. I just thought that I had just done it by mistake or whatever but not because I was gay but now I see a latent homo influence in that particular act.

And this leads to the time when testosterone started to really pulse through my veins (13-14) and I developed a sex drive. This was the time when I found out that men were much more effective in titillating the pleasure-erotic areas of my brain. And boy, once I realized that, it was HELL! I was in a state of panic.

I thought, "what! I can't be a fag!That's just not me!" and I had been brought up in this homophobic society and I never questioned it. I had accepted views about sexual orientation and gays unconsciously. So, it was like a big shock for me to suddenly find out that I was someone I myself thought weird or sick. So, obviously I did the obvious: trying to change the gender of my lust. I just couldn't change the way I was programmed and god knows I tried hard. I tried gorgeous women in seductive poses on print or video...NOPE! I tried fantasizing about actual girls...Didn't work. I repeatedly told myself that it's sick to lust over one's own sex but that didn't work either.

I tried so hard and kept failing till I had reached the breaking point. I decided that I will give up thinking about sex altogether so then I would never think of men in that way. And this was the hardest thing I had to do till date and obviously impossible. My resolve gradually broke and male sexual imagery started again. I couldn't stop it but I still couldn't accept that I was gay so I just ignored it. Everyday I would think of men in a sexual way and still somehow make myself believe that I was not gay! See, I wasn't ready to break the bullshit about sexual orientation I had learned from society yet. And this shows how indoctrinated we are but I had to change all of my ingrained beliefs and values eventually because the old-system wasn't working for me anymore. And eventually, I came to accept and love my sexuality.

But it hasn't been easy and still is not easy because I still live in the same society with the same people who never had to face the jarring inconsistency of our notions about sex and reality. So they keep on believing the lies and prejudices. But I grew up and faced reality, one day at a time, and this society will eventually have to do the same and it's not going to easy for it either.

SOME DAY

WANDERLUST

I always liked traveling a lot. I've traveled considerably in my life and I want to keep on doing that more.
Traveling excites me and it opens up new experiences and worlds to me; both inside me and outside me. I get so restless if I stay in one place too long because I want to enrich my life further. It's also because I have this need of not growing roots anywhere.



I want to be a chimera of different cultures and places. This might seem strange, but I don't want to belong to one place because I'd rather belong to many places. Where ever I stay, I form a bond with that place and I feel as if I am a part of it somehow. But I need to get out of it, to absorb the soul of some other place. Staying at one place makes me feel pressurized to conform to that place; which I don't want to do. And I wonder, am I responsible for my own isolation?

I can't figure myself out!

MY MAN

WOW!




I like the hard look. By the way, he was the villain in the movie 'Titanic'. I just think he's really sexy!

He looks kinda vulnerable in this one; like in a need for a hug (from me!)

Your wish is my command!

Other than Billy, I also like Mark wahlberg:


And George Clooney:





Mel Gibson is sexy but his narrow-mindedness religiosity makes him lose his appeal.

But no one can come near Billy...


ENJOY!

FANTASY MAN

I don't like many actors that much except Billy Zane! http://www.celebrities.ws/Billy_Zane He is one hunk that never fails to turn me on and also touches my emotional core. I have spent countless hours wishing I was his lover. I fantasize that he loves me and is all possessive about me. He treats me so good. I give him so much pleasure. Oh, I could write pages describing all my emotions and yearnings related to him but I am too besotted with him right now to write anything. But this is my man of dreams and someone like him would me perfect for me.

Khuda Hafiz

STRIP SHOW...STEP RIGHT UP ;-)

Man, sometimes I even freak myself out! Like yesterday night I was in an awful mood and started craving a fag (cigarette...I know what you were thinkin!). I'm actually very anti-smoking (I swear!), I have just smoked a lil' bit in early teenhood and after that I had only bought a pack of cigarettes 2 weeks ago. I smoked a few cigarettes and thought it was a very silly thing to do so I threw it outside my house in an empty plot. So, yesterday night I actually made an effort to search for the discarded pack. Imagine me searching for it in the dark at about 7:30 pm. But the hard-work paid off and I found my beloved pack and proceeded to smoke a couple of fags.


After that I watched a movie and then when everyone was asleep (12:00) I started getting even weirder. I went to the dressing room, locked the door and stripped in front of the mirror and admired myself intently.

I just kept on thinking that this was the time when my body was at its prime and my emotions raw and I just wished there was somebody there to look at me and touch my body and love and lust over me. Standing there in front of the mirror buck naked looking at myself and wishing for someone to be there to admire and love me; I started to cry. I just couldn't understand why I was so isolated and why no one had ever fallen in love with me. Why couldn't there be someone who I could strip for and lie close to and hug and kiss warmly?

I would make a fabulous lover. Looking at myself in the mirror made me feel unappreciated and I felt as if my body and soul were getting wasted until they lose their beauty.

Then suddenly I felt strong and made myself believe that I didn't need anyone; I could live alone. And if no one can appreciate me then it's their loss; I'm not going to constantly beat myself about it. And it was then that I looked at myself again and literally could see myself glow and I knew that I can make it on my own.

Ciao

MY PRE-ADOLESCENT PENIS EXPERIENCES A FINE BUTT

Recently I saw the movie 'thirteen'

and it kinda reminded me when I was in 7th and 8th grade. Ofcourse I was a whole lot tamer than the slutty troubled vixen in the movie but I was much more wilder than ever before or after. I was doing stuff that I haven't done after that phase. It was something about discarding being a child and asserting my independence by discarding what is proper. I guess that's how many early teens feel and it's also the time of great psychological and physical changes. The need to impress and conform to one's peer group is also very strong. So at this phase I started watching porno at my friend's place and tried cigarettes. I also started watching horror flicks cause I thought they would make me more stronger or less sensitive to violence. And it was in this setting that I had my first sexual experience.

I must be 13 then and there was this 15 or 16 years old boy living in our house at that time. He was the maid's son and we used to chat a lot together. One day the conversation turned towards sex and the discussion turned 'the boy' very on. He looked at me with lustful eyes and said things like you're so sexy and handsome. I had such a low self-esteem that those words made me feel I couldn't disappoint him as I longed for ego-boosters like that. So when he asked me to sit on his lap, I obliged him instantly as I liked the attention. It should be mentioned that I had still not hit puberty and didn't have any physical longing for sex. He gave out such a pleasure-laden sound when I sat on his lap that I was amazed that someone could gain such intense pleasure from little ol' me. Maybe that's what made me keep on obliging his requests even when I really had no desire to or felt uncomfortable at what he was doing. He asked me to show my penis to him; I felt embarrassed that he had said such a thing but I still went ahead and opened my Jean's zip to show him my dick which he immediately touched in a lusty dirty way. Dirty because he did it in a way that wasn't respectful to my sense of respect. He just grabbed it and rubbed it while alarm bells rang in my head. I managed to put the cock back in it's hiding though and since I needed to feel that this was mutual and that I wasn't getting used by him, I asked him to show his penis aswell. I thought he would hesitate but he readily exposed it and my, did I get a shock. I had never seen an erection before and the size and hardness of the penis elicited a strange feeling of shock and awe.

By this time 'the boy' was very hot and bothered and asked me to kiss him. Feeling brave I asked him whether on the cheeks or lips and he said cheeks, so I did and while I was kissing him he suddenly grabbed me with a lot of force and pressed his body tightly next to mine. It was so unexpected that I instinctly jerked him away from me. He looked a little disappointed and I was just confused. He asked me whether I wanted to have sex and I said no. I said such a strange funny thing, " Why don't you go and masturbate?!" LOL!! He said that masturbation will not please him, he wanted me and that it won't take too long. He talked me in to it and I probably didn't want him to think I was scared or a baby so I agreed to have it.

So we went from where we were sitting to my bedroom and closed the doors. I didn't want to seem passive so I asked him to bend over first. This seems so amusing to me now when I think of it. Here I was trying to hump a guy with my pre-adolescent shriveled penis!! I can't believe 'the boy' went along with it. Anyway, I rubbed my small penis on his butt as a way of expressing that I was as involved as he was in this. Maybe I was just feeling scared. Then came his turn and he told me to lie down face down as he tried to penetrate me. I vividly remember that I was terrified at what he was about to do so I contracted my butt muscles tightly together. He asked me to relax and let go but I couldn't. I wanted to stop him but I felt I had to do it. He stopped after trying to get in as I was just too tight and said he needed a lubricant. So he went to the kitchen and got cooking oil which he spread on my butt and started again. I remember feeling so bad. Then all of a sudden his penis started to get in and I felt a strong surge of pain and I shouted at him to stop at once and pulled away and at that moment he came out on my carpet and butt. I remember being amazed at seeing sperm for the first time.

He seemed disappointed as I didn't let him penetrate me but he said it was fine. I was shaking at what had just happened. It was just something so unusual and I couldn't understand it. I was trembling. I felt sick and asked him to leave my room and he did.

After that I tried to avoid him. He used to smile at me and I always looked the other way. I started to obsess about the event and became very disturbed, especially after seeing a drama on AIDS.

This state lasted until I told my mom about what had happened but the story I told her made me look like I was an unwilling victim, which I wasn't. But I think I really believed in the victim story at that time. All the confusion and obsessive thinking made me interpret the whole incident in a way that wasn't real. And the event wasn't even as traumatic as I had made it. It's probably because of our unhealthy upbringing concerning sex and just our whole society. This made an event that could have been just a normal experience in self discovery something that was quite troubling. But eventually my parents fired the maid (which is sad) and I never saw 'the boy' again. And after so many years the trauma has faded and I can finally see the event for what it was, and I realize now that it wasn't abuse. There never was any force involved either. If only I didn't have such a negative guilt ridden attitude towards natural longings and feelings I would have probably just dismissed it as another event in the process of growing up. And this sums up my first sexual experience!


Adieu!

ADMISSION IMBROGLIO

Once upon a time people used to live in simple agricultural societies. While growing up one knew what one would become. There was a fixed status and role ascribed to you from the beginning. So teens didn't have to search themselves so much for what they wanted to become. Fast forward to the 21st century and you have thousands of jobs and even more subjects and countless universities and lifestyle choices. No wonder many young people can't make up their mind what to do and this includes me. Ever since O-levels I have been confused about what to study and what job to aim for. In A-Levels I must be the most indecisive student in my whole college as I kept on changing my subjects ALOT! and as a result I studied subjects I didn't wanted and made wrong career aims which resulted in a lot of money and time being wasted. Now, after a lot of analysing and thinking, I am finally clear about what I want to do in life but the trouble now is deciding where to apply and how. It's amazing how complex the whole admission process can be. There is alot of bureaucratic mumbo-jumbo involved and so many requirements.



The only thing I like about our complex world is the choices it offers and the ample space it gives for individual personality development. The more complex society becomes the more freedom we have (well usually). I like a society in which I don't have much ascribed statuses and roles so that I have more leeway and freedom to decide my own course in life. I like less informal social control as it allows me to live my life as I want to without other people like relatives, neighbors etc. interfering. Our complex society definately offers more personal freedom and that is a cherished quality for marginalised and discriminated people like me.

Ofcourse, I realize, that more freedom and equality has a price; that is, close-knit simple societies. So loneliness and isolation might be a side effect but maybe it doesn't have to be like that. Maybe friends and subcultural associations can form social networks that are sufficient to ward off isolation and still don't threaten one's freedom and independence. I'll just have to live and learn about that and I am just hoping to get in a desirable university. But whatever is the truth, our global techonological society really enthralls and interests me with all it's flaws and beauty.

Au revoir!

LYING ALONE, WISHING FOR SOMEONE TO SAVE ME.

For the last couple of months life has been one hardship after another continuously. It was never this hard before. This is to date the most difficult period of my life and also one with drastic changes. In this year I feel as if I went from the kid state to the adult state and it all happened so fast. This process exacerbated and brought out many kinks and problems that were kinda dormant in me and which now are very obvious and disturbing to me.

One is that I never seem to connect emotionally with people and can't form any bonds with them. I am even emotionally distant with my parents and I wasn't really even conscious of it. Recently I met a few people with whom I opened up much more than anyone else but I couldn't feel a friendship blooming or even an intimate bond with them. I wonder is it just me or do they feel likewise? I long desperately for friendships as I feel very isolated. The type of bond that one has with another person which makes one feel special and wanted. All my relationships are formal. I want someone with whom I can be informal, comfortable, who I can call up anytime and talk nonsense, who understands me and feels close to me and I to him/her. THAT is the type of friendship I long for. I am not even considering a relationship as I know I'm so ill suited for it right now.

It's torture to feel so unwanted and unimportant. Not valued by anyone. I really have no clue how to form bonds with people but I wish so fucking much that someone would ignore my distant coldness and like me. I want to feel close to someone and not just be some formal acquaintance that people try to be nice and caring to but don't include in the close important people in their life. This is just torture. I don't even want to meet anyone anymore because of this distance I feel with everyone. And I realize that I need someone else to just break the now firm belief that no one can be close to me by proactively showing me his/her appreciation of me and demonstrating my importance to him/her. I am so disillusioned at myself and feel that somehow I'm just likeable only for formal distant relationships but not likeable enough for someone to think of me as a close friend or lover.

I just don't know what to do.

ORGY OF FOOD AND EYE-CANDY

Ahhhh...Food! Is there any pleasure as good as food? Well, sex might be better but it has too many strings attached to it but the precious chow is such an easily accessible pleasure. Pakistanis seem to have an extra strong hankering for food as every time anyone thinks of entertainment, the first thought that comes to mind is FOOD! I mean either we have no other source of entertainment or we are just hopeless food junkies. So it's always the same routine, someone says, "Let's do something," and the answer comes, "Let's dine out!" That pretty much sums up the Paki entertainment scene and man, are there restaurants to cater for our needs!! Hundreds of restaurants catering to all taste buds and financial budgets.

Bon
Appetite!

Yes, I had another self-indulgent night out yesterday where I stuffed myself like I was going to starve the next few months. And boy was it worth it. I swear, there's nothing like a painfully bloated stomach. Dining out may be common but it never loses its appeal as everyone has to wear the best clothes and groom themselves well for the gastronomical indulgence. Hmmm...It seems women get as dressed up as if they were going to a wedding.

Oh yea, Weddings! Paki weddings are so fab. I love our weddings if nothing else. They're soooooo colorful and lively. Full of music, dances and wonderful clothes.




I adore the mehndi night; its the best.

And there is always great food and lots of eye candy for me to fantasize getting naked with. But it's so hard to stare at anyone, I just wish I could be invisible so I could stare at all the luscious piece of hunks in the wedding ceremonies. Weddings are always good for a nice hard-on if nothing else.

HeHeHeHe...

DUBYA MADE THE WORLD SAFER FOR ALL OF US!

Today I woke up and opened the newspaper and saw the world ending AGAIN! It's like a trauma reading the newspapers nowadays. The headlines just pretty much summed up the state of this world. There was another major bomb blast in a mosque in Sialkot, killing many people. Sialkot is a city in Punjab and seeing these things happen in my beautiful province seethes me with frustration.

How is the world supposed to be a better place after killing a few thousand innocent Iraqis? I really don't get it! What's really amazing is the support Bush has in US. I mean how is it even possible that so many Americans would support a terrorist act like this which actually makes them much unsafer than before. This is guerilla warfare perpetrated by individuals and not countries so attacking countries just serves as an excellent way to breed more terrorists, who-by the way-are frustrated disadvantaged people gone through a lot of injustice and violence committed at them. Further disturbing these hotbeds of instability instead of helping them pushes more people to the fanatic extremism of Al-Qaeda. It's like the west is hell-bent on proving the myth that they are fighting a crusade against Muslims.

Muslim society is undoubtedly sick in itself and primitive but so was Christian society in the medieval ages. Muslim societies are in the medieval irrational state right now but discrimination and injust violence is exacerbating a problem that isn't that serious and wasn't conflicting with western society at all. And labels are always just a misrepresentative tool for understanding people. At the end we are all just human beings and people in any religion or country are not homogeneous at all; there are every sort of people in every religious group and every country. So judging people by their religion or country is not only ineffective but also discriminatory.

Please someone tell this to the US airport staff.

ME, MYSELF AND MY MOJO

They say we come in this world alone and leave it alone. What about the time in between birth and death? Do we stay alone all our life? Is there anyone out there for me? Maybe not or maybe our whole approach is flawed. Why is it happily ever after anyway? Why can't it be just happily for some time and then with ourselves again? Sure I believe in love but I don't think it has to last a life time. Love doesn't need a time line to be beautiful. I could experience the love of the life time with a guy and not expect it to last till death do us apart that way when it ends, it ends as expected. So that I can experience real love and not worry about it ending cause it eventually will someday;it has to, whether in a month or 50 years. It might hurt but love seems worth it. I mean life hurts aswell but that doesn't mean we stop living cause that's worse, isn't it? So, I'm receptive to love and I realize that people are disillusioned with it because they make something out of it that it really isn't. We grow up with fairy tales and never discard them. I did!

But then I also feel like I need someone to be with me. I need to be loved. I feel my youth is passing by quickly and it's getting wasted. I want to experience so much more. I want to go a little wild. Fuck all the rules! I want the whole self-indulgent sex life and all. I want to experiment. But all these rules and my conforming nature is stopping me. But I need to get out of this country. Sometimes I feel so frustrated at my drab life and loneliness. I've never had someone I could call a real friend. People never seem to see through the isolating barrier I put up to protect me from being discarded. Deep down I feel uncomfortable with who I am and that, I realize, makes me a conformist. I can't rebel because I'm not secure with myself and I am obsessed with what people think. So that's why I wonder: Can I ever really 'live'? Or am I always going to live a life which I don't even consider living and dwell all alone in my pitiful isolation just secretly fuckin this society off. I feel I have so much to offer. I can be a great lover I know that. I can be so sexy but I can never let loose and might never get the chance.

It's just too bad.