ME, MYSELF AND MY MOJO

They say we come in this world alone and leave it alone. What about the time in between birth and death? Do we stay alone all our life? Is there anyone out there for me? Maybe not or maybe our whole approach is flawed. Why is it happily ever after anyway? Why can't it be just happily for some time and then with ourselves again? Sure I believe in love but I don't think it has to last a life time. Love doesn't need a time line to be beautiful. I could experience the love of the life time with a guy and not expect it to last till death do us apart that way when it ends, it ends as expected. So that I can experience real love and not worry about it ending cause it eventually will someday;it has to, whether in a month or 50 years. It might hurt but love seems worth it. I mean life hurts aswell but that doesn't mean we stop living cause that's worse, isn't it? So, I'm receptive to love and I realize that people are disillusioned with it because they make something out of it that it really isn't. We grow up with fairy tales and never discard them. I did!

But then I also feel like I need someone to be with me. I need to be loved. I feel my youth is passing by quickly and it's getting wasted. I want to experience so much more. I want to go a little wild. Fuck all the rules! I want the whole self-indulgent sex life and all. I want to experiment. But all these rules and my conforming nature is stopping me. But I need to get out of this country. Sometimes I feel so frustrated at my drab life and loneliness. I've never had someone I could call a real friend. People never seem to see through the isolating barrier I put up to protect me from being discarded. Deep down I feel uncomfortable with who I am and that, I realize, makes me a conformist. I can't rebel because I'm not secure with myself and I am obsessed with what people think. So that's why I wonder: Can I ever really 'live'? Or am I always going to live a life which I don't even consider living and dwell all alone in my pitiful isolation just secretly fuckin this society off. I feel I have so much to offer. I can be a great lover I know that. I can be so sexy but I can never let loose and might never get the chance.

It's just too bad.