I was miserable; couldn’t get rid of the hopelessness. Life was empty and so painful. I have always had a high achievement motivation, or conversely a low one. I have always wanted to be very good at what ever I’m doing; I have a streak of perfectionism, but it is usually not backed by the appropriate drive and motivation. It was about a year ago; my mistakes had gradually descended me in an abyss of failure. I was behind my peers in academic achievement and had a searing sense of despair over lost time. I was extremely unhappy with myself and constantly berated myself over not achieving anything substantial.
I felt so lonely and isolated. I was studying privately at home with no friends and no company. I desired love and attention so much. Then I met H and it led all these desires and feelings to brim out of control. Then I was thousands of miles away from him, and I couldn’t forget him. I was so frustrated and confused. Nothing was clear and I didn’t understand what was going on between us. I just knew that I liked him and wanted to be with him, but it felt impossible.
My self esteem was so low because I had nothing to prop it against, no achievements, no friends, and no life! Therefore I desired attention so much; it was against my nature to be literally forced by circumstances to be so isolated. This was when I visited LA and stayed at my relative’s place for a week. I wasn’t excited about Disneyland or Universal Studios—nothing!
Haziness everywhere, dread. A million thoughts writhing on the dance floor of my mind—useless. The smoke on the dance floor wouldn’t let me understand what was happening, what was the dance about anyway? That’s how I felt—so confused. So with a dead heart void of any fun I faced LA. There I met a guy, I’m going to call him Nathan; He was living at my relative’s place. My gaydar went *beep beep* every time he came in front of me; I was sure he was gay. Nathan (27) became my tour guide and he was a damn good one as well. Conversations have a way to lead to the matter which people ‘really’ want to talk about—He came out to me. I didn’t reciprocate, but told him I was bi-curious and wouldn’t mind having sex with a guy if I was ever attracted to one.
After this he got much more open and relaxed around me. Revealing stuff and lightly flirting with me. He told me that he wanted to tell me stuff because he liked me. He said he found me attractive, and I never knew whether he was serious or joking when he flirted. I didn’t think much about it though; I wasn’t attracted to him much but I enjoyed the attention.
Then I woke up to a beautiful clear sunny LA day. After a few hours I found myself driving around LA with music blaring and feeling so fresh. I had been living alone with only my parents and absolutely no company, I was very glad to be with ‘someone’ other than my family. Then there was the breathtaking white sand beach with the Pacific Ocean frothing and caressing the beach. It was a great spot that he wanted to show me—totally secluded. “Amazing!” I exclaimed when we had reached that place. It was just the clear blue ocean and white sand beach as far as I could see with not a soul around. We walked around with the ocean greeting our naked soles (not souls!). We talked about sex, life in general and sex. Then he suggested that we go skinny dipping! *act shocked now *
“Wha? (!) I don’t think so.” I refused. But he wasn’t about to give in that easily, he kept on convincing me and then he finally said something like this, “Look this chance will not come again. Who knows what happens next. It’s a beautiful day with the Pacific right there inviting you. You will never have this day again. You’re young, enjoy the opportunities you get. It’s harmless fun. Its ONLY skinny dipping. Nothing else, ok? You can even keep your damn boxers on! Plunge in!” That convinced me and I took my clothes of except my boxer shorts while Nathan watched me and smiled encouragingly.
Me in my underwear facing the ocean waves—I suddenly felt so alive! I felt free from the constant angst that had ridden my every moment for so many months. I felt happy for the first time after so long—relief! I felt so much excitement as I let the water envelope my almost naked body. The cold water jolted me to life! ‘I deserve this’ I thought. Nathan took off ALL his clothes and joined with the water’s body. We threw water on each other and I couldn’t stop laughing.
Standing on the beach under the comforting rays of the Californian sun; standing tall under the open blue sky. I felt so comfortable with my body. Nathan was sitting on a rock just looking at me. “What you looking at?” I asked him. “You look so damn sexy right now! Please take off your boxers.” He implored. “No!” I exclaimed. He approached me and grabbed my hand. My first instinct was to pull away, “Don’t worry.” He whispered in my ear. I wanted to stop him, but I was mesmerized. Looking straight in to my eyes he drew closer and placed his hand on my shoulder. He slowly traced his hand down my back while bringing his lips nearer and nearer to mine. His hand stopped just above my butt and his lips remained very close, just about to touch but frozen. It was the most erotic position; nothing was happening but the idea of a kiss.
I suddenly felt guilty and pushed him away. “I don’t want to do this.” I calmly told him. “Don’t worry, ok!” and with that he pulled me towards him and hugged me tightly. My shivering self welcomed the heat of his body. I wanted to just let go, but I couldn’t.
“Take off your boxers now!” He said hoarsely.
“Is that an order?” I teased him.
“You bet, honey!” He replied and winked at me.
“Well we’ll see about that.” I chuckled and started running away from him. He chased behind me. I couldn’t stop laughing; I gave him a good chase, but he eventually caught me and wrestled me down to the ground. He grabbed me hard and was about to kiss me again. Then I thought about H, about how much I liked him. This wasn’t right—not at all. This was supposed to be H not this guy. It was clear I was hopelessly infatuated with H at that time. “Don’t.” I stopped Nathan. I got up and immediately put on my clothes. Nathan looked somewhat pissed off, but was fine afterwards. We drove back home and then pretended nothing had happened.
That night I caught H online. I told him I was in LA. I wanted to tell him what had happened and how much it had made me miss him. I wanted to tell him that the impact he had made on me was perplexingly strong. I wanted to tell him that it must mean something, right? But I said nothing like that because during the conversation he said something like, “Why don’t you find someone for yourself?” Then I thought, ‘If he doesn’t mind me being with someone else, asking me to look for someone else, it clearly means that he doesn’t really want me to be with him.’ I told myself that nothing was going on between us and nothing ever will. That’s it. I never told him, except now he’ll probably know.