Life...That's just it. It's happening all around me and it fascinates me. Life can and does beat the shit out of me but surviving that is what life is about. And this blog is about me, someone who doesn't fit any stereotype or label. There are alot of labels I posess Pakistani, Muslim, Young, Gay, Student but I don't want to fit in some pre-conceived notion of those labels. I maintain my individuality and this blog is the affirmation of my uniqueness.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

A DAY...

There's so much work I have to do, so many stupid assignments and readings to complete. The weekend starts when the last class ends on Friday, and I decide to hang out with some friends from the last class for a while.

4:30 pm: We go to our cafeteria and get a bite, and discuss why Angelina Jolie has to make out with Britney Spears. I mean come on! Think about the publicity that will get! But Oh no! I have so much work to do, so I bid farewell to the dimwits from class and head to my room in the dorm.

5:00 pm: One look at my beloved laptop reminds me that I have to check my mail. I remind myself to quickly get this done and head for the library...

7:30 pm: Still online chatting, surfing and reading away. MSN is so addictive! Finally my roomie comes and detaches me from the seductive piece of technology. I don't know how but, like always, I end up hanging out at my neighbor's room.

9:30 pm: Friends night out!! WOOHOO! Eat out and drive aimlessly! Got in one of those long discussions about what we will do with our lives--the future. No one it our generation or have the youth always been this confused?

12:00 : Get that guitar out for a music fest!

2:00 am: Slumber

2:00 pm: Woke up! Fuck gotta get some work done, but wait I feel so horny!! Ok, Let's get this over with! Sexual fantasy strong hunky gym instuctor and up a sweat! Shower and then lunch.

3:00 pm: Finally head to the sacred library.
Settle down and prepare to start working. Wait! I don't have a highlighter to mark important points that I will read. Shit! Run outside to the store to buy one. Run in to the very-fun girl who loves to talk about sex and willing to listen to my sexual thoughts. Start narrating my new thoughts about sex, love and guys with her. Always a pleasure!

5:00 pm: Finally heading back to the library with the highlighter in hand and ready to get down to some serious work! Start reading and then start feeling so damn sleepy. Can't hurt to put my head down and close my eyes for a bit, right?

7:30 pm: My cell rings and wakes me up. I run out of the library and answer the call. It's my friend, the gang is heading out for I wanna join? Hell yea!

10:00 pm: Too tired to work! So get online and then watch sex and the city--still haven't seen some episodes.

12:00: Tensed and stressed up--will not be able to complete my work tomorrow.

Friday, June 16, 2006


Koi to ho...

A whole academic year is almost completed. So many things, so many memories; just so much...

It was a blur; didn't even have time to think about my life and what was happening inside me. It has been a very productive year; made lots of new friends; got a job; good grades; good parties; good fun. But so many downs as well; so many moments of pain; so much stress and anxiety. And finally the undealt with issues, which hung like dark clouds engulfing everything I did. I need to see a therapist. The year has been overall been pretty good; I have grown and learned so damn much. I am overall a much happier person, but probably not any more stabler or healthier.

The summer holidays will start soon. I have a summer job lined up. I don't feel like working anymore; just very tired and want to do other stuff.

Ab na koi pas hae; phir bhi pyaas hae.

Thursday, March 09, 2006


There are some moments in my life in Pakistan that remind me that I'm in a country with almost no safeguards against violations of basic human rights, like that stupid, useless and subversive concept of free speech. Oops! There I go mentioning the hot-button controversial topic of free speech. Like my friend, Spiritofnow, mentioned in her Livejournal that Muslims will react like crazy on a stupid cartoon and keep a calm silence on issues like honor killing, stoning to death for adultery etc.

But what I'm supposed to be whining about is the fact that Pakistani government blocked blogspot because apparently there was some blog with the 'offending' Danish caricatures of the Holy Prophet (PBUH). So no one in Pakistan can read my blog! Damn! Just when I had published the most sizzling posts :-(

Saturday, March 04, 2006


It was a cloudy day and the restaurant was very crowded. It was one of those self-service restaurants and served scrumptious Greek food. I was bored with my cousins and maintained a kind of petulant silence. Then I noticed a handsome Caucasian man looking at me; he must have been around 40 years old. I kept glancing at his way once in a while to check whether he was still looking, and our eyes met many times. He smiled and had an inviting expression. I wasn’t sure if this guy was really non-verbally hitting on me or whether I was just imagining it. Then I had to get up to get something from the counter, and to my surprise he got up as well and walked pretty close to me and was looking at me. I was like, “That confirms it!” He must have been 6 feet tall and was very well-built. He looked at me with lustful eyes and a lingering smile. It seemed as if he wanted to talk to me, but was hesitant. Then as I sat back on my table and he did the same, I realized that I was attracted to the guy. He had attractive rugged features and a strong presence. I got excited when he made some obvious flirtatious gestures.

It was time to leave soon, and I reluctantly left the restaurant while the man followed me with his eyes. As I was waiting for my cousin to bring the car from the car park the man came outside the restaurant as well. I was surrounded by my cousins and I felt a little embarrassed as the man was obviously staring at me while leaning on the nearby telephone pole. My cousins must have definitely gotten a little suspicious when the man followed us to the nearby store where we had decided to buy something while the car was coming.

Then our car came and as we were driving away I caught the man waving goodbye to me, and suddenly I felt I needed to go back to him. “Can we go back again? I want to get something to eat for the evening from the place.” I blurted out. My cousin groaned, but turned back towards the restaurant. When I got back I didn’t see the man standing anywhere outside the restaurant. I walked towards the entrance door of the restaurant and took a deep breath as I clutched the handle.

When I walked in I saw the man standing in a queue line in front of the counter, and he immediately saw me and winked at me. I approached the queue and he said, “Come stand with me.”
“Thank you.”
We started the usual introduction chat and then he told me that he could show me great spots in San Francisco and other cities. “Can I have your number? I’ll take you out for dinner.” He said.
“Um, why don’t you give me your number instead?” I hesitantly asked.
He smiled and said, “Ok, fair enough. Don’t forget to call me.” He grabbed a table napkin and wrote his name and number and handed it to me. “I really want to meet you again.” He told me. I got something to eat and shook his hand as I was about to leave. I remember he had a very firm grip and that had turned me on; for a moment it felt as if he wouldn’t leave my hand. “Take care.” He said huskily. “Yea, you too. Bye.” I gave him a playful smile and left.

When I got home I placed the table napkin in my drawer and it stayed there for about a month. I didn’t call him even though I was very tempted, but I felt I wasn’t ready somehow. I thought I was already so emotionally disturbed at that time and I didn’t want to risk something that might potentially disturb me even more. Eventually I threw the napkin, and that was it. I sort of regretted that I didn’t take advantage of the chances I got, but with time I thought it was better to wait more until I was more emotionally stable and ready.

Soon I’ll dwell on my emotional state at that time—coming soon :-).

Thursday, March 02, 2006


Hmm with the flahbacks of my 'troubled past,' I should break the montony and fast-forward in to my present 'sweet' days. Some days ago I attended one of those celebrity-packed cool Lahori parties. It was just the typical stuff: Cool dance floor; hot chicks and a majority of stupid boring men with some sexy ones thrown in; booze; munchies; lots of rich shallow people--you know, the usual stuff. Anyway what ever happened in the party isn't that important (I just danced, socialised, ate and drank), it was what happened later that is interesting.

It was late at night and me and my friends were driving back home. We were all high, except the designated driver. NEVER DRINK AND DRIVE! Then some cops stopped us and asked us to come outside the car. *gulp*

The cops asked our names and where we were coming from and made sure to stand really close to us so as to smell our breath. "You have been drinking!" The cop exclaimed triumphantly after getting a whiff of alcohol from my breath.

"Tsk tsk. Itne raat ko aur woh bhi larkiyon ke saath aap log kia kar rahe the?"
Translation: "What were you guys doing at this late hour and that too with girls?"

There were two female friends of ours who had gone to the party as well. We were all very worried about them because its harder for girls to be in such a sitution. I was worried that these fucking cops might take advantage of these 'bad' drunk party girls. So we all tried to ask the cops to spare the girls so that we could leave them at their homes and then they can talk with us later. Fortunately the cops let the girls drive away leaving us to the police-wallahs.

Ok so the routine of the police was like this:
One was the 'bad' cop who scared and threatened us. "We will inform your university and your whole career will be ruined. We will inform your parents. We are going to lock you up! Your name will be in the newspapers!"

We got so scared and it was really traumatic. They were about to take us to the lock-up!

Another was the 'good' cop, "Bache (child) you are all so young (there were four of us)we don't want to ruin your lives. You have to learn a lesson that these are bad habits. See 'these type' of girls have ruined many innocent 'bache' (blame the girls!!!). Alcohol and parties are immoral." And stupid sermons and advices like these. There was a lot of self-righteous sanctimonious shit; it made me think that these cops were really concerned about religion and morals.

After some time they got tired of their sermons and forgot invoking God and religion in everything to bring us to the 'right' path, the bastards got to the point: BRIBE!

And while taking all our cash, they informed us that they were hoping that we had learned our lesson and will not indulge in 'immoral activities' again! Yes dear old police man I sure learned my lesson and I hope you will enjoy the bribe money and boy, am I impressed by your honesty and morality!

The next day I went to another party and made it a point to drink even more than I usually do. FUCK YOU!

I won't feel guilty no matter what they're telling me;
I wont feel dirty, and buy in to their misery; [..]
Give me a choice;
Give me a chance to turn the key and find my voice



Maybe I had reached the rock bottom. Maybe I just desperately needed something to fill my empty and aching life. Maybe I just needed some love, some attention, something to get rid of the isolation. What ever it was, during that time I was one unhappy and confused person (Cuz I know I don't have that desperate need for attention now and I'm much happier):

Some months later from the LA incident, I was sexually frustrated and hated that nothing was happening. I wanted some attention, some excitement. If I don't get any commitments, no relationship, no future and no promise of anything why shouldn't I explore my possibilities? I thought I was wasting my 'potential'. Over the course of a few months I had elicited some sexually-oriented comments and hints from guys and I was happy about the fact that people were interested in me. I wasn't expecting that since in Pakistan nothing was as open as in San Francisco. I resented what I percieved as 'saving-myself' for someone who didn't seem that interested or who didn't give me as much attention as I wanted. I wanted guys to look at me, to adore me, to lust after me; I wanted to do something wild. I felt the need to shock my parents and break away from every thing people expected from me. I hated everything. So I guess at one point I said, "Let's see what I can do."

I joined the gym, got a new hairdo,bought new clothes, and started attending some wild parties.

One day I was at a restaurant with my cousins...

Wednesday, March 01, 2006


Two guys just brought together by the forces of economics develop something that will not fade away no matter what happens. The two cowboy, Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal), and Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger)work together on a summer job. Tending sheep n the panaromic vistas of Brokeback Mountain. There they develop a bond; a bond whose force they didn't understand at that time. It was just one phase in their life and then they had to go their own separate paths. Life paths forced them to go their own separate ways. Living many miles away from each other, one in Texas (Jack) while the other in Wyoming (Ennis). Their lives were separated and time passed, they had their own families and jobs, but they couldn't forget each other. They met many people n their lives but they always felt that nobody was 'right'; nobody except each other.

They met again, and did they meet! The happiness, excitement and joy of meeting again after so long was apparent in their faces and anticipation. It was apparent to both, the second time they met, that they felt very strongly for each other and the bond just lay too deep to be torn by time or space.

Then began a relentless and somewhat torturous series of rendezvous. It showed the difficulties and frustration of a long distance relationship. With Jake traveling so far to meet Ennis and always feeling there was never enough time. The constant separtions and reunions. "Sometimes I miss you so much, I can hardly stand it!" Jake once said. But there lives forced them to be separated; they couldn't live together because of their circumstances.

It was a beautiful movie--very powerful. And boy, I sure can relate a lot to it. Watch it.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006


I was miserable; couldn’t get rid of the hopelessness. Life was empty and so painful. I have always had a high achievement motivation, or conversely a low one. I have always wanted to be very good at what ever I’m doing; I have a streak of perfectionism, but it is usually not backed by the appropriate drive and motivation. It was about a year ago; my mistakes had gradually descended me in an abyss of failure. I was behind my peers in academic achievement and had a searing sense of despair over lost time. I was extremely unhappy with myself and constantly berated myself over not achieving anything substantial.

I felt so lonely and isolated. I was studying privately at home with no friends and no company. I desired love and attention so much. Then I met H and it led all these desires and feelings to brim out of control. Then I was thousands of miles away from him, and I couldn’t forget him. I was so frustrated and confused. Nothing was clear and I didn’t understand what was going on between us. I just knew that I liked him and wanted to be with him, but it felt impossible.

My self esteem was so low because I had nothing to prop it against, no achievements, no friends, and no life! Therefore I desired attention so much; it was against my nature to be literally forced by circumstances to be so isolated. This was when I visited LA and stayed at my relative’s place for a week. I wasn’t excited about Disneyland or Universal Studios—nothing!

Haziness everywhere, dread. A million thoughts writhing on the dance floor of my mind—useless. The smoke on the dance floor wouldn’t let me understand what was happening, what was the dance about anyway? That’s how I felt—so confused. So with a dead heart void of any fun I faced LA. There I met a guy, I’m going to call him Nathan; He was living at my relative’s place. My gaydar went *beep beep* every time he came in front of me; I was sure he was gay. Nathan (27) became my tour guide and he was a damn good one as well. Conversations have a way to lead to the matter which people ‘really’ want to talk about—He came out to me. I didn’t reciprocate, but told him I was bi-curious and wouldn’t mind having sex with a guy if I was ever attracted to one.

After this he got much more open and relaxed around me. Revealing stuff and lightly flirting with me. He told me that he wanted to tell me stuff because he liked me. He said he found me attractive, and I never knew whether he was serious or joking when he flirted. I didn’t think much about it though; I wasn’t attracted to him much but I enjoyed the attention.

Then I woke up to a beautiful clear sunny LA day. After a few hours I found myself driving around LA with music blaring and feeling so fresh. I had been living alone with only my parents and absolutely no company, I was very glad to be with ‘someone’ other than my family. Then there was the breathtaking white sand beach with the Pacific Ocean frothing and caressing the beach. It was a great spot that he wanted to show me—totally secluded. “Amazing!” I exclaimed when we had reached that place. It was just the clear blue ocean and white sand beach as far as I could see with not a soul around. We walked around with the ocean greeting our naked soles (not souls!). We talked about sex, life in general and sex. Then he suggested that we go skinny dipping! *act shocked now *

“Wha? (!) I don’t think so.” I refused. But he wasn’t about to give in that easily, he kept on convincing me and then he finally said something like this, “Look this chance will not come again. Who knows what happens next. It’s a beautiful day with the Pacific right there inviting you. You will never have this day again. You’re young, enjoy the opportunities you get. It’s harmless fun. Its ONLY skinny dipping. Nothing else, ok? You can even keep your damn boxers on! Plunge in!” That convinced me and I took my clothes of except my boxer shorts while Nathan watched me and smiled encouragingly.

Me in my underwear facing the ocean waves—I suddenly felt so alive! I felt free from the constant angst that had ridden my every moment for so many months. I felt happy for the first time after so long—relief! I felt so much excitement as I let the water envelope my almost naked body. The cold water jolted me to life! ‘I deserve this’ I thought. Nathan took off ALL his clothes and joined with the water’s body. We threw water on each other and I couldn’t stop laughing.

Standing on the beach under the comforting rays of the Californian sun; standing tall under the open blue sky. I felt so comfortable with my body. Nathan was sitting on a rock just looking at me. “What you looking at?” I asked him. “You look so damn sexy right now! Please take off your boxers.” He implored. “No!” I exclaimed. He approached me and grabbed my hand. My first instinct was to pull away, “Don’t worry.” He whispered in my ear. I wanted to stop him, but I was mesmerized. Looking straight in to my eyes he drew closer and placed his hand on my shoulder. He slowly traced his hand down my back while bringing his lips nearer and nearer to mine. His hand stopped just above my butt and his lips remained very close, just about to touch but frozen. It was the most erotic position; nothing was happening but the idea of a kiss.

I suddenly felt guilty and pushed him away. “I don’t want to do this.” I calmly told him. “Don’t worry, ok!” and with that he pulled me towards him and hugged me tightly. My shivering self welcomed the heat of his body. I wanted to just let go, but I couldn’t.
“Take off your boxers now!” He said hoarsely.
“Is that an order?” I teased him.
“You bet, honey!” He replied and winked at me.
“Well we’ll see about that.” I chuckled and started running away from him. He chased behind me. I couldn’t stop laughing; I gave him a good chase, but he eventually caught me and wrestled me down to the ground. He grabbed me hard and was about to kiss me again. Then I thought about H, about how much I liked him. This wasn’t right—not at all. This was supposed to be H not this guy. It was clear I was hopelessly infatuated with H at that time. “Don’t.” I stopped Nathan. I got up and immediately put on my clothes. Nathan looked somewhat pissed off, but was fine afterwards. We drove back home and then pretended nothing had happened.

That night I caught H online. I told him I was in LA. I wanted to tell him what had happened and how much it had made me miss him. I wanted to tell him that the impact he had made on me was perplexingly strong. I wanted to tell him that it must mean something, right? But I said nothing like that because during the conversation he said something like, “Why don’t you find someone for yourself?” Then I thought, ‘If he doesn’t mind me being with someone else, asking me to look for someone else, it clearly means that he doesn’t really want me to be with him.’ I told myself that nothing was going on between us and nothing ever will. That’s it. I never told him, except now he’ll probably know.



Yesterday I had written one of the most beautiful, soulful and deep post that I've ever written or am capable of writing. I had poured my soul in describing my feelings and experiences. It had been difficult and exciting. It was all complete and it was my masterpiece. I was about to check for any errors when suddenly the fucking electricity went away! Black out! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

I got so fucking frustrated and disappointed. I literally screamed out of anguish and then threw myself on my bed. Later I didn't feel like writing that post again. I feel I can never recapture the essence of what was written--but I'll try.


Wednesday, February 22, 2006


Oooo, I look so good in my new suit! *happy*

Anyway, I've decided two write two posts about two very personal events in my life. I've wanted to write about them for some time now, but resisted the temptation due to the sensitive and personal nature of these events.

So STAY TUNED. I will probably write the first post on Monday, 27th February 2006.

Anyway the girl who has a big crush on me came to visit me. Let's call her Bubbles (for lack of a better name). It was fun. Bubbles looked AMAZING. She prattled effusively, looking cute in her tight jeans and short pink top. Basically it was all about getting me to admit somehow that I like her as well. The looks, the hints and the words were all geared for me to somehow say something on the lines of, "I like you." Surprise! Surprise! It didn't happen. So after spending a whole night with her just strolling, chatting and eating she decided to give up and try later. *Grinning*

Thursday, February 09, 2006


I'm at peace right now! I just had the best few seconds in my life till now, I swear. I've masturbated a million times before, but it was never like it was today. I had a really free, lonely and empty day today. I'm not complaining because I needed a day like this for a long time. In days like these I finally get a lot of time to think and fantasise about what I like best--men!

I spent the day in a grand fantasy story with interesting characters and lots of sex. Every fucking type of sex. It was conventional; it was meek; it was radical; it was kinky; it was hot and intense; it was hard and tough; it was emotional and intimate and it was exquisitely romantic.

When I woke up today (around 1 pm) I masturbated. Then about half an hour ago I masturbated three times in a row and then it felt as if I couldn't possibly do it again. But I persevered and it took a long time for the pressure to build up. I had to keep the imagery intense and the pressure hard. The tension steadily built up and then it reached the verge of release. But the difference this time was that it felt like my body wasn't going to release the tension. I was stuck with the exquisite tension on the verge of an orgasm. I could feel it coming and was going crazy but it wouldn't come. It was the most pleasurable agony known to man. And then with a loud groan I started orgasming and it was the most deepest and intense orgasm I ever felt. It felt as if every neuron of my body screamed with pleasure and my groin muscles contracted with violent spasms! I was literally screaming and it was the longest orgasm I've experienced. When it ended I was gasping for air and couldn't believe that so much pleasure was even possible.

Then just one thought: "This with a man I love--I'm going to die!"


I want to feel intimate with someone. I might be getting a little frustrated. Sometimes I feel as if I'm attracted to girls. I mean I seem to be experiencing female imagery in my fantasies and some girls in my college just turn me ON! But then some hot guy shows up and I totally forget about the girl!So I guess as long as there are hot guys around I won't be able to concentrate too much on the girls.

Sometimes I want to hurry up and get in a relationship because I don't want to grow older for this. I want to know that there was someone at this stage of my life who experienced a relationship with me. I feel like I have to find someone NOW. Then again most of the time I'm not in any hurry at all. I am well-adjusted and happy. I've got my own life and things are finally going relatively smoothly. I don't need any romantic involvement at this stage. Then again I might not 'need' it but I wouldn't mind one!Wouldn't mind at all!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006


I know that today was one of those slow, relaxed days, which I hardly get any more. I know that I have a sense of tension building up due to the mounting workload, which I refuse to get started on because I am just fed up with it all. I know that the person that I like the most in my college is also the person with whom I'm the most careless and inconsiderate. What I DON'T know is why do I do this?

I know that its not what I want to do or even plan to do, but somehow I screw it all up. I don't nurture or protect the friendship instead I damage and scar it. I know that I cherish the time I spend with him, but I also know that I act as if I couldn't care less whether he is around or not. I fight with him constantly and bitch about him with everyone.

I know that today we fought again. He shouted and was brimming with anger. I know its not all my fault--hardly. But I also know that I have my fair share. I know that yesterday I did it again. I made him bitter by the way I acted--rude and inconsiderate. Yesterday I had to take sides and like always I didn't take his side. "You never take my side, you never stick up for me." I know I'm sorry. I know that he wanted to tell me that he was disappointed and hurt and wished I would understand, and he was shouting at me just trying to tell me that. And I refused to placate him and tell him that I cared instead I said he deserved the hate of others, I told him what bad things people say about him and that they were all damn right. I told him that I loved every second when the others dissed him and bad mouthed him. Hell I even joined in! I know he said, "I don't want you as a friend, you're not worth it." And that's the last thing he said.

I'm afraid that I'll make him permanently bitter towards me. I hope I don't drive an irreparable wedge between us. I know that I like him a lot. I know that I don't want to lose his friendship either.

I know yet I just don't know.

I think I should add a background to this otherwise it misrepresents the idea. This guy, chocho, irritates me a lot and we're in a constant battle of embarassing the other in front of people. Yet we are close friends and spent inordinate amount of time together each day. So you could guess how frustrating it gets. Yesterday he irritated and disappointed me, and I kind of reacted too strongly with the anger I felt. I said sorry today--meant it.