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Today was a very interesting day but I can not blog about it as it's personal.

ONE-LINER

When I see couples walking hand-in-hand and smiling I just can't take being single.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?

As a child I have injured my head by falling down a lot and I think that must have damaged me some how. If I hadn't broken my crown so many times then I would probably be a normal non-eccentric chum who would experience life in a normal way. Nature made sure that I turn up retarded instead so that I would have a special, novelty appeal for people. Down memory lane now:

I was such an adventurous, full-of-life, hyperactive and fearless child. I was famous all over my neighborhood and with relatives for always being up to some mischief. I used to live in an urban area so I didn't have the great out doors to go wild in but I made use of everything that I had. I used to climb the 'Aam ka Darakht(mango tree) and the walls all the time. I used to give courses to other kids on how to reach your rooftop by climbing up the wall. I was fearless about everything. I loved the fastest rollercoasters, I dived in with gusto in the sea, I loved to jump in the swimming pool from the highest diving board, I used to traverse a river near our house by jumping on slippery stepping stones. I was always ready to try anything. Due to this reason I used to fall and get hurt a lot but that never deterred me. I have broken my crown so many times (no wonder I'm retarded!). The point is that I was full-of-life, zesty, fearless and bold so what has happened to me now? I feel I'm a different person now and this person is too insecure and scared to love life and live it by taking risks--the way life is supposed to be lived.

WEIRD FEELING

I feel as if I'm outside life somehow. The feeling of being disassociated and distanced from life. The normal feeling is that one is firmly entrenched in life and feels one with it but since the last few months I feel as if I'm outside the world of the living and I'm living my life in another dimension. Maybe its because of moving to a new place and feeling disoreinted. Has anyone ever felt that way?

WHAT A PAKI THINKS...

Random thoughts:

1)Today I talked to 'H' again on the phone after a long time. I actually talked to him for maybe an hour or more and am freaking out about the huge bill that will come and then what will I explain to mom and dad? 'Sorry folks! felt like talking to someone I met for a few hours when I secretly flew to Karachi while everybody thought I was in my friend's place in Islamabad.'

2)What the fuck am I thinking?! Why did I have to talk to 'H' again when I am clearly confused about it still. I still think we should stick to our break but I'm such a slave to my desires.

3)The only high point in this whole situation was that H said that I'm objectively better than his last boyfriend. Hah! beat that sucker! Now my head is all nice and bloated. Hehe.

4)I asked him why he had contacted me and stuff and his answer was that he wanted to get in my pants. Aww how can I resist that?!(I'm not sure whether I'm being sarcastic or honest)

5) Damn! I can't believe that I'm still a virgin!

6)Working as a volunteer is good but as long as it does not entail hours of useless photocopying and then being ordered around by everybody to do everything that other people will not do. I would love to do all that in an orgy but please excuse me in the office.

7)I'm a good Paki brat! I didn't pay the bus fare just cuz the driver didn't notice. I'm convinced now that I'm a Paki--I was forgetting that fact for a while.

8)Fantasies about kinky sex should be restricted to one's bedroom and not thought about when one is sitting and listening to a lecture on 'social policy issues and practices'

FICTIONAL MONOLOGUE

Ok so this is like a weird short story written in first-person basis but is not to be misconstrued as a true story. I'm not even sure if it's written like a story; call it a fictional monologue:

When I was 16 I used to go for tuition in a local academy. The teacher was a very sweet, funny and sexy 30-something guy (I called his 'Sir'). I remember being very attracted to him. I used to have a sort of a crush on him. He was always so nice and warm with me. He would always be so patient with me and never got angry. He always looked at me with such kind nurturing eyes. He would sometimes give me a warm hug when he met me. He listened with great interest to everything I had to say. I loved going to study with him as he made me feel so special. He would sometimes get irritated or angry at the other students but never with me. He always told his others student what a good and intelligent student I was and answered all my
questions. I remember interrupting his explanations etc. a lot with questions or comments and he would never get irritated. I always felt that whenever he talked to me his tone of voice changed.

Later I started studying one-on-one tuition with him. I used to sit real close to him and try to concentrate on what he was teaching me but I would actually be just staring in his eyes and looking at how his lips moved and wished that he would kiss me. Sometimes I would feel his breath on my face when he was talking and felt my skin tremble with desire. He would sometimes touch my hands and legs and my heart went wild every time he touched me. I always felt a mutual attraction. I felt his eyes looked at me with a tentative lust and even more care. Days passed like this and I felt I was getting closer to him. He used to talk to me about my life and friends and even stayed longer than his time talking to me. I started to notice that he had started to place his hands on my arms and legs more than before. He never did it in an obvious way but as a matter of course while he was explaining something. I
started to feel an attraction coming from his side and getting thicker every passing day.

One day things seemed to hit a climax. He seemed particularly affectionate towards me and gave me a big long hug when I told him I had done well in a test we had been studying for. He looked straight in to my eyes and I felt like a strong force of attraction was in the air and it seemed like his eyes were asking for permission. There was silence while we stared at each other sitting extremely close just after a long hug. There was a palpable tension in the air-- and then suddenly I felt a deliberate break in it. Sir was a decent man who knew that he might have crossed some boundaries. He lightly kissed my cheeks and said, "Well done!" and I knew that he had realized his role as a teacher and me as his student. I wouldn't have minded but he must have felt it was wrong for him to do anything. Things changed from then and he seemed more formal and aloof with me. He didn't have that special tone of voice or that look in his eyes. I respected him for it but wanted him to passionately hold me and kiss me and tell me that he wanted me but he didn't. The school year ended and I stopped my tuition and life went on.

People talk about how intense their experiences of intimacy have been and they narrate graphic sexual acts but for me this subtle experience has been as intense as
any blow job. It had just as much force as anything else but felt somehow much more meaningful and deeper and people can tell me it was nothing but I felt it just as
strong as anything. I felt it. The only difference was that instead of everything being enacted out and in the open it was all said in silence and inaction. That didn't make it any less real or intense or maybe even made it an even more special experience.

MATTERS OF JERKING OFF

Oh The innocent desires and intensity of the mid-teens are so beautiful and yet strange. I still remember perfectly how new and intense the sexual experience of masturbation felt when I was 15. It was all so new and every fantasy was a new world I had never visited before. My hormones were going wild and my desire was pouring out like the effervescent bubbles in a Cola. I was oozing out sexual energy and excitement. I was like a wild animal in heat. I think this state started from the last few months of 15 and then tapered off around 18. I am much more calm now, partly because masturbation is somewhat frustrating and boring now. Everything I think about has been thought a million times before; there is no novelty and excitement in it anymore.

I WAS EVEN LATE FOR PUBERTY

I have to wait for everything as everything is delayed for me. It seems that I am always one-step behind others. Maybe this is a good thing...

I was a late-developer. Everyone in my class had reached puberty with all the things attached to it: voice getting squeaky then manly, hair sprouting everywhere, erections and sexual desires, exponential increase in height and all the exciting and confusing things that happen. I always felt like I would never hit puberty and everyone seemed much more physically mature than me. When my friends used to talk about masturbation I used to get so worried since I was apparently the only one who didn't do it. So I waited and waited and I remember that on my 13 birthday I went in to the bathroom and tried masturbating. I only did what a guy had told me to do i.e. rub your penis back and forth. I had asked him how one masturbates and he told me that this is how its done and I thought it was very weird but I tried it in a very mechanical way. It seems so amusing when I think about it now. There I was a 13 year old trying carefully to follow the steps he was told to achieve the privilege of being one of the mature guys who masturbate! Well nothing happened--except for me feeling bemused about how strange all of this was.

Then finally things began to happen a few months before my 15 Birthday. My voice started to change, some hair appeared in the pubic region and I started to have sexual feelings (Yay!).

The group I used to hang out with used to watch porno movies and I never enjoyed them-except for the exciting feeling of doing something rebellious and forbidden-but after my 14 birthday I started to enjoy them somewhat. I was always focused on the man in the flick but I never consciously recognized this fact.

Around the age of 12 and 13 kids mess around a little bit with each other and sometimes-when I was 12-we would grab each other's penises like in a sort of a game (very rarely though). One day I was sitting in class and my friend (who was sitting beside me)suddenly grabbed my dick and I let out a loud startled gasp out of surprise and pleasure. The whole class looked at me curiously and I and my friend both gave each other a secretive knowing smile.

During this time I also had a typical adolescent exploratory sexual experience with a cousin of mine. We were both lying together at night and started talking about sex and showed each other our dicks and then he went to sleep while I played around incessantly with his dick and butt (Hmm always a horny ass!). I think this was actually when I was 13 and so we both were just on the threshold of puberty so we couldn't really reach orgasms but had emerging sexual potential and feelings and could get erections. The next day we kinda ignored what we had done and haven't again talked about it.

I was thinking about how oblivious I was of my sexual orientation at this time. Although I do think it's pretty normal for kids to have some homo-erotic experiences in the early years of puberty but I think mine was more than just experimentation. It was only after my 15 birthday did I begin to consciously recognize that I was sexually focused on men rather than girls. This was when I tried hard to change this but obviously I didn't succeed and by 16 I had accepted my sexuality.

Looking back it seems like a million years have passed. That time almost has a sweet nostalgic charm to it now. Haha I feel like an old person thinking about distant times. :-)

WANT SOME JUICE ON YOUR LAP?

I thought I would go outside and give the general public a good time by allowing them to observe me make a fool out of myself. Sometimes I seem to be in a daze and don't know where I'm going or what's happening around me. My friends in school used to joke about how I have the tendency to never look where I'm going and then bump with the sexiest girls. Unfortunately I didn't bump with any sexy person (preferably a sexy man ready to take me home) today, instead I almost had a fatal accident with a car as I was walking blissfully with I don't know what in my mind and wasn't careful about the traffic. Thank God I snapped back to reality to see the car and moved before it knocked me right to the next world. Hmm just think I would have been getting 'hot' with the red hot devil right now.

That's not all (Yes, I'm 'that' strange). Later I dropped my Cranberry juice on the person sitting next to me on the bus. Fortunately the guy didn't get angry but just smiled, but it was one of 'those' smiles the ones given only to people who are considered too hopeless for anything else.

So it was one of 'those' days when I'm stuck in my own world and should never be unleashed in to the unsuspecting world. This is exactly why I need a boyfriend with me to protect me and the innocent people who are inflicted by my juice throwing traumas.

OBSERVE MY INSANITY HERE....

Ah! Life it's so amazing. It's so hard yet so beautiful. How can anyone ever think of finishing one's life? Today was another lonely rainy day with fearful thoughts about my perceived dreadful lonely future and then suddenly it didn't matter anymore. I have been having this strange insecurity ever since I met H and its been puzzling me. Why did I react this way? What happened to my self-assured I-can-pass-through-everything-and-still-love-life attitude?

I realized that I had never really stepped in to the real world and then suddenly over a period of few months I had to step in to it and maybe I proceeded too fast and got too much. I got in to a thing that I wasn't prepared for at all. I got in to it without thinking much about it, probably because I had no clue about how feelings can be. The intensity of my emotions scared me. It jolted me to think about my future and when I did that, I froze. Here I was a gay Pakistani guy who can't fit properly either in the west or east. I was not going to have the traditional Pakistani marriage, family, kids...SECURITY AND STABILITY. What was going to happen to me?

I had never thought about my circumstance before, I was firmly focused on the present time and I was jolted out of it suddenly. I realized that I need to get out of my old way of thinking in which I didn't really think about love or relationships--they didn't mean much to me. I didn't even believe in them or understand them. I know that I can live whatever my circumstances are and am trying to deal with the fears, but I want and hope for a real deep loving relationship. I want a home and a person to share my life with. I don't want to live on my. I want someone's hand on my shoulder when I walk the streets. I want someone beside me in my bed. I want someone who I can trust and who will treat me right. I want a real meaningful lasting relationship BUT maybe its not time yet for all that. I think I need to relax and stop with the hyper-anxiety about my future and leave all of those things for the future. Maybe It's not time yet.

SPINNING!

All this postmodern bullshit is driving me crazy! I had to listen to a lecture by a professor who is one of those bona fide postmodernists of the reactionary kind. He tried to beat it into our heads that there was no such thing as knowledge or a progression of history! Oh come on, if there is no such thing as a progression of history then how the hell can you claim that postmodernism is the new epoch after modernism. Furthermore if there is no such thing as knowledge then what you're teaching us is nothing! :-)( Hah, I love to exploit contradictions!)

I CAME OUT TO MY MOM!

There are days in one's life that are important landmarks in the path of one's life. These are the days when something important happens which has the potential of changing the whole course of one's life. Today was one such day:
I CAME OUT TO MY MOM!!!!
I DID!

This has been something that I've been thinking of for years and today it finally happened. The weird thing is that I didn't have any plan to tell her as yet but it just happened.

I felt like just telling her but the words wouldn't come out of my mouth. It felt as if the roof would fall down if those two words came out of my mouth, "I'm gay." I tried to summon up the courage and then just spilled out those words and then I realized that nothing had fallen or crashed--everything was ok.

My mom was incredibly cool about the whole thing. She said that this doesn't change anything between us and that she will try to be as supportive as she can. She said that she doesn't understand it well and maybe it's difficult for her to contemplate what this really means but she's being as understanding as she can.

I'm so happy that she reacted in this way and it makes me feel so much more secure. I couldn't have asked for a better mom!

INTROSPECTION

That fateful Friday when I flew away from Karachi to Islamabad, leaving H; I had an intense feeling of insecurity which I have been suffering from even till now. I think the insecurity arises from the general disarray my life is in.
Life is just so weird--especially the modern lifestyle. Nothing is fixed--I'm in such limbo. I have no idea where I will live in a few months, what I will do with my life, who I'll meet. Just about everything is undecided and uncertain. There is no fixed home, fixed role or status. I don't even have any fixed life plan which every one in traditional societies used to have. Like, you will grow up, study and marry with a girl your parents choose, have children, get old and die with your family. Now I don't know whether I'll get married or not and with whom. I don't know how I will deal with my homosexuality in the Paki context as I have no social guidance. I have basically had no social structure at all. I'm lost completely. Society didn't think of accommodating me and that's why I have no example to see and learn how I'm supposed to live with my life. All I have is the western example for the gay lifestyle and somehow that isn't exactly suitable for my unique Pakistani context. I don't know whether I'll be alone all my life or whether I will have a family. It's all very confusing.

PARTY ON!

Today I decided I've had too much time to mourn about my so-called relationship and I need to be the old Bruce who has a zest for life again. I need to be able to experience pain in my bitter-sweet dramatic but full-of-life way again. I need to let go of all the intense insecurities and dread.

So I went to a nice restaurant to eat with a group of people I had recently met and liked. I talked, laughed, gossiped and had a good time. The topic turned to Valentine's day and everybody had a lover with whom they had some plans. The people with long-distance relationships had planned long sappy love calls or as one guy said his was going to be a long session of phone sex! There was only me and another girl who didn't have anyone. She was mourning her single position. Then we all talked about ways to get both of us single souls hitched with someone but it turned out that they were seriously fixing a date for me with a girl they knew for tomorrow (V-day) so I said I was joking and I didn't want to be in a relationship now.
*sigh* I am such a strange person!

PUKE FEST!

I went to a party Saturday night. I really needed a party and was happy that I was going to one. I have been feeling extremely depressed and disturbed and thought a party would make things better. So I went in to the the house where it was being held and somehow got glued to the bar. I drank so much of straight vodka that I completely lost all my senses. I got extremely drunk and felt really ill. The group I was with had to carry me as I couldn't even walk. I puked all over my self and also on others. I was feeling really bad and finally got to someone's place and I passed out there. I'm still feeling awful. I am officially a very disturbed person. Yea! it's very hard to earn the 'genuinely-disturbed-young-and-restless' label. Hmmm...maybe I'm proud of getting wasted so disgracefully.

KILL THE CUPID!

Oh no! Valentine day is coming and I have to endure seeing all these beautifully irritating candies, bears and what not displayed everywhere for that special someone. And what the hell is happening nowadays? Everywhere I look there are sweet, mushy, irritating couples kissing each other! I look on my left and I see a couple cuddling and then I tell my heart to relax, as it starts to bother me, and look on the right, and lookie lookie another one of those happy looking couples!

I firmly believe that valentine's day was made by the universe for the sole purpose of taunting and torturing me. The universe wanted to have fun playing with me so what did it do? It made this elaborate plan so that it would have extra exciting fun.

Well, so you think I would give in this easily? NO! I am going to hold my head up high, get ready and then go watch the vagina monologues all alone. I think there's something very depressingly hilarious about a fag watching the vagina monolgues on the valentine's day alone. There's nothing like hearing a woman speak about freeing her vagina!

THE BLUES

TOO DOWN AND SAD TO POST ANYMORE.

HE SAID DON'T TALK TO ME

Today H messaged me to call him and I did and then we discussed our messed up situation. I had been thinking a lot about it as well. Apparently H reached the same conclusion that I had reached but just couldn't say it or make myself do it because it is just too hard but H said it and so I thought this was the best option. We have called off our relationship, or whatever it, is for sometime. He said that we will not talk for the next couple of months because it is just too hard for him and when I return back to Pakistan we will talk again and see where we are in our lives.

I have been in so much trouble as I feel so much for H and yet I don't feel ready for big commitments but on the other hand I want to give my whole life to him and the only thing stopping me is the fear of getting attached to someone and being vulnerable and then getting hurt. The thing is that I was anguished as I felt guilty because I thought I was playing with this guys emotions and that I might be hurting him. I don't want to hurt him in anyway. But I wanted to keep on talking to him and I just couldn't think of finishing it but then again I didn't want a very serious commitment at this time either. I thought it was unfair of him to demand so much from me when I have still not even graduated from college. So I think this is a very wise option that we take some time off although I am dying to talk to him or just run to his room and tell him to lock me there and throw away the keys.

After he told me that we are not going to talk for some months I felt so awful. I cried when I shut off the phone. But I know this is the right thing and the right thing is usually the hardest.

MY SIS HAS A CRUSH

Since I have no life whatsoever I spend lots of time either pitying myself and feeling completely wasted or talking to my family. I've spent a lot of years having a lot of long long conversations with my family and call me crazy but I sorta wish that I fucking experience a life in which I don't have to do EVERYTHING with my family. Aaargh! Its all my fault. I am forced to live like this due to the mess I made of my life and now I'm destined to waste away my sexy years just like this with no friends and no life.

Anyway over another usual gab session in which my parents run to each other's throats and my sister starts whining and I act all rude, we stumbled on an unexpected truth. Now don't get me wrong our family conversations are pretty friendly but sometimes those above mentioned things also happen. Hey, why am I explaining myself? So, I was writing about the surprising truth: while talking about looove and marriage I told my sister that the best reason to get married was to be in love. She then suddenly had this break down and told us that she liked this guy who's a family friend of ours. She said that she thought about him all the time and that she wants to marry him. We were all pretty caught off guard and didn't know how to react but then eventually we were all like, "It's all right honey, it happens. Its a phase you'll get out of it. Its ok." My mom said that this is normal and she shouldn't take it too serious, its just a crush. My sister was like, "I don't know why I feel this way!" and she was crying. I said something like, "I understand sometimes you can't plan such stuff it just happens." and this must be the most heart-felt sentence I have ever told my sister.

SUPER-SPIKE ME!

"I am hating my hair right now, but I don't know what to do with them so I leave it up to you to do whatever you think will look the best."

Who would have thought that this sentence uttered to a hairstylist would have the effect of me ending with a wild, just-don't-give-a-fuck, spiky hairdo?(!)

Now it's not like I don't dig unconventional haitstyles, it's just that the hard, spiky look doesn't suit me that much. So now I'm the crazy rebel with the spikes. Yes, I know that spikes are so common know that they really don't have any rebel quality but WHATEVER. I'm actually kinda exhilirated about this unexpected turn of event as I've never had a grunge or punkish look. I'm flaunting it and workin' it! And the hair color from my previous hair styling fiasco remains at the very top of the spikes adding more style. Today I got that extra dry, hard gel so it seems like my hair is plastic.

Anyway I would never get this kind of hairdo again eventhough I'm enjoying it while I've been accidently (forcefully?) 'punked'. I love the softness of my hair and I love their texture. One cousin of mine always loved to feel my hair, she used to say, "It feels like touching fur."

But the tragedy is that EVERY MALE in my family suffers from male-patterned baldness (Androgenic Alopecia). Yes that means that they get bald and some start losing hair in their twenties (feigning aheart-attack!); so I'm going to be one of those cool (I need some consolation) bald twenty-something gay guys in a few years. But I pray to Allah that it doesn't happen; let me escape the family curse!

BYE; NEED TO SPEND TIME ADMIRING MY HAIR ;-)