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OBSERVE MY INSANITY HERE....
Ah! Life it's so amazing. It's so hard yet so beautiful. How can anyone ever think of finishing one's life? Today was another lonely rainy day with fearful thoughts about my perceived dreadful lonely future and then suddenly it didn't matter anymore. I have been having this strange insecurity ever since I met H and its been puzzling me. Why did I react this way? What happened to my self-assured I-can-pass-through-everything-and-still-love-life attitude?
I realized that I had never really stepped in to the real world and then suddenly over a period of few months I had to step in to it and maybe I proceeded too fast and got too much. I got in to a thing that I wasn't prepared for at all. I got in to it without thinking much about it, probably because I had no clue about how feelings can be. The intensity of my emotions scared me. It jolted me to think about my future and when I did that, I froze. Here I was a gay Pakistani guy who can't fit properly either in the west or east. I was not going to have the traditional Pakistani marriage, family, kids...SECURITY AND STABILITY. What was going to happen to me?
I had never thought about my circumstance before, I was firmly focused on the present time and I was jolted out of it suddenly. I realized that I need to get out of my old way of thinking in which I didn't really think about love or relationships--they didn't mean much to me. I didn't even believe in them or understand them. I know that I can live whatever my circumstances are and am trying to deal with the fears, but I want and hope for a real deep loving relationship. I want a home and a person to share my life with. I don't want to live on my. I want someone's hand on my shoulder when I walk the streets. I want someone beside me in my bed. I want someone who I can trust and who will treat me right. I want a real meaningful lasting relationship BUT maybe its not time yet for all that. I think I need to relax and stop with the hyper-anxiety about my future and leave all of those things for the future. Maybe It's not time yet.
I realized that I had never really stepped in to the real world and then suddenly over a period of few months I had to step in to it and maybe I proceeded too fast and got too much. I got in to a thing that I wasn't prepared for at all. I got in to it without thinking much about it, probably because I had no clue about how feelings can be. The intensity of my emotions scared me. It jolted me to think about my future and when I did that, I froze. Here I was a gay Pakistani guy who can't fit properly either in the west or east. I was not going to have the traditional Pakistani marriage, family, kids...SECURITY AND STABILITY. What was going to happen to me?
I had never thought about my circumstance before, I was firmly focused on the present time and I was jolted out of it suddenly. I realized that I need to get out of my old way of thinking in which I didn't really think about love or relationships--they didn't mean much to me. I didn't even believe in them or understand them. I know that I can live whatever my circumstances are and am trying to deal with the fears, but I want and hope for a real deep loving relationship. I want a home and a person to share my life with. I don't want to live on my. I want someone's hand on my shoulder when I walk the streets. I want someone beside me in my bed. I want someone who I can trust and who will treat me right. I want a real meaningful lasting relationship BUT maybe its not time yet for all that. I think I need to relax and stop with the hyper-anxiety about my future and leave all of those things for the future. Maybe It's not time yet.
posted by Brucie | 8:47 PM
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