INTROSPECTION

That fateful Friday when I flew away from Karachi to Islamabad, leaving H; I had an intense feeling of insecurity which I have been suffering from even till now. I think the insecurity arises from the general disarray my life is in.
Life is just so weird--especially the modern lifestyle. Nothing is fixed--I'm in such limbo. I have no idea where I will live in a few months, what I will do with my life, who I'll meet. Just about everything is undecided and uncertain. There is no fixed home, fixed role or status. I don't even have any fixed life plan which every one in traditional societies used to have. Like, you will grow up, study and marry with a girl your parents choose, have children, get old and die with your family. Now I don't know whether I'll get married or not and with whom. I don't know how I will deal with my homosexuality in the Paki context as I have no social guidance. I have basically had no social structure at all. I'm lost completely. Society didn't think of accommodating me and that's why I have no example to see and learn how I'm supposed to live with my life. All I have is the western example for the gay lifestyle and somehow that isn't exactly suitable for my unique Pakistani context. I don't know whether I'll be alone all my life or whether I will have a family. It's all very confusing.