THE HOURS

Oh God! Yea I know it's been long since i've posted and it might be even longer after this. Things are happening in my life. Huge things. How life changes, huh? It's all so weird. Life is so weird.

When I started this blog, I had just entered a new phase in my life and now that phase is finishing. I can safely say that the last 4 months of my life has been one marked with extraordinary changes and experiences. It has all been so fast that I have hardly had the time to take in the huge inflow of information. I would have never guessed that this blog could take me to the places it did and make me meet people who might change the course of my life forever.

I flew to Karachi to meet him. I initially planned to stay for about 3 hours but when the time came to leave I felt frozen. I heard a voice screaming at me to stay longer. It wasn't even a choice, I had to do it to live. And I delayed my return fr early next morning. Then my life changed. I changed. I don't even know how to write about what happened to me.

I had so much more to give you. So much more to tell you. You have so much to explore about me. But I had to leave and it's killing me inside. The pain so bad that I feel as if I can't breate.

I had one day with him. A single beautiful day. That day; that fateful day. How can a single day change everything in my life? A single night in which you respected me and my body. And all the while we both knew that I was going away. It was so painful. It was so beautiful. It was so hard. It was so awesome. Does anyone understand what it feels like to feel as if your whole existence and self feels a deep affinity with someone and you're experiencing life with that person but all along you know you have to leave the next day-In a few hours.

When I was lying next to you...how can I explain what was happening to me. When the clock was ticking and I felt you next to me. When there were a few minutes and you held me for the last time and kissed me. I told you to move on and in the process crushed my heart so bad that I felt vomit coming up. I wanted you to believe that this was it for me, I don't care for more or for you. Do you know what it did to me to say those things that night? You told me you don't want to discuss it but how could I ignore the pain I feel for you? Why should I make you waste your life for me when I don't know when I can meet you again? Your life is precious...I want you to live, not waste away in waiting, when I might never return. It's the hardest thing for me to say but I want you to take that one day but not base the rest of your life in the assumption that that day might continue someday.

Then when I was leaving. I couldn't hide my tears. That last kiss. The last look and I went outside sat in a taxi and then...all throughout the flight...when I reached home...God, the pain, I felt unable to take a single second of it. Thinking, "make him believe it's over. You don't care. Make him hate you." But I wasn't strong enough. I called him, I couldn't even speak because I was crying so much. But I stick to my wish that you won't get stuck on a single day. I still hold on to that thought. Let go.

Now I'm going away. Far away. A new life for me begins....