MOMMY I FOUND A VICTIM--HE'S CALLED BRUCE.

"I bet this pillow, if pressed hard enough against my ears, can block the screeching of the little devil"

Here is a thought that was most definitely useful--for a few minutes that is. After that I realized it looked weird to press the seat pillow on my ears like that, and being one extremely concerned about how I look, I regained a semblance of dignity again. If I could instead just enact a rule banning all babies and toddlers from being in a ten-mile radius from me then I would be a happy man-no make that-I would be a guy without thoughts of innovative use of pillows :-)

Ok so I had to endure the cranky toddler and the whining baby on my train journey from Portland to San Fran. I guess, it's one of those rule thingies: Everything good in life is preceded by something unpleasant and followed by difficulty (Bruce Theorem). It's like a natural fees system; good things aren't for free you have to pay for them by enduring hours of irritating sounds and friendly toddlers who disturb your peace.

I have an interesting relationship with human beings below six-years: They get excited at my sight and want to play with me and I get mortified at their sight and (to keep up appearances--see, I'm overly concerned about other people's view about me) pretend to enjoy playing with them. Actually I think I do like babies and toddlers, I think they are cute, but that doesn't mean that I would want to play with them too much, especially on a train! Unfortunately children absolutely love me. It's as if they are pulled towards me from every corner of the train. Erm, Ok so that was exaggeration but the one toddler on the next seat was enough trouble. He kept on handing me his toys and expecting me to devise ingenious play themes with them. All I could do was shake the car or plane and hope that was enough. It turns out that no matter what I do children still love me as the toddler was fascinated by me and completely focused his energy on me throughout the journey (If only men could be that smitten by me!).

Then there was the baby, if I would even accidentally look at him he would get all excited and get a huge smile on his face and arms would flail around wildly. The mother was delighted, "Oh look! he likes you!" Yes lady I can see that but that does not mean that you take advantage of my sweet nature and neglect your duties by handing over the baby to me! So I had to occasionally hold the baby as well and ofcourse I can't say no--never!

Otherwise the train was one luxurious traveling device. It had a cafe` and a great restaurant. It had a viewing lounge area. It had comfortable seat with lots of space. It had good movies to watch. Best of all the man serving my compartment was HOT.

After some time I perked up my ears and heard the intercom beep, "Ladies and gentlemen...blah blah blah...San Fran"

It was fun in San Fran and then Sacramento and then LA but don't get any ideas I haven't had any sex :-( LOL

TO BE CONTINUED... (MAYBE if I want to write about visiting usual tourist spots etc. it was fun for me but not exactly an exciting read)

PROMOTION COMMOTION

Today at the place I'm working part-time, my boss came up with another stupid idea to promote the work our office does: PROMOTIONAL POSTERS!

My boss being the brutish slave-driver that he is gave all his menial slaves the job to post these horrid posters around town. Now apparently I'm that boors favorite slave or something as I was given a deadweight load of posters to put up all over town and I'm sure everyone else had less posters to put up!

Therefore, I spent the next three hours running around town affixing the contemptible posters on walls, poles and other peculiar places. If we don't get donors and participants after this I'm going to write a shockingly scandalous fictitious letter to my boss's wife sordidly detailing how we 'made love'. HAH! He can gladly fire me after that but the revenge will be perfect!
*******************************************************************

I'm not going to be able to blog for a week as I'm going on a holiday traveling spree! I'm going to go to San Fran, LA and down to San Diego!YIPPIE!

WHAT ABOUT A LAW REQUIRING EVERYONE TO PLEASE ME WHEN I DESIRE?

Hehe! That one was ordained by Bruce Almighty!

We human beings are so weird! Check out some of these real laws:

1)It’s a crime in London to have sex on a parked motorcycle
2)In Florida, having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal... and it HURTS.
3)Here’s some hot stuff: In Bakersfield California, anyone having intercourse with Satan must use a condom. Read that one again: The Devil's GAY! LOL!
4)The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation!! Wow, effective population control strategy!
5)It’s illegal in Minnesota for a man to have sex with a live fish (is it OK for a woman?).
6)A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. Take that, slave . . .
7)Here’s an interesting one: in Willowdale Oregon, it’s illegal for a man to curse during sex. Fuck! -- oops!
8)In 17th century Spain, it was illegal for anyone other than a woman's husband to see her bare feet. A woman could freely expose her breasts, but feet were considered sexual and had to be covered in the presence of men other than her husband. Damn! talk about a serious case of foot fetish!
9)Up until 1884, a woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex. What the fuck?!
10)During the Middle Ages, if you were guilty of bestiality you'd be burned at the stake, along with the other party to your crime! Thank God they didn't have PETA there!
11)In Oxford Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. Duh!
12)In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. Down, boy!
13)Under Lebanese law, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female (no word on if the animals must have a permit). Having sexual relations with a male animal is however expressly forbidden. You must draw the line somewhere!
14)In the state of Utah, sex with an animal—unless performed for profit—is not considered sodomy and therefore is legal. What will those wild Mormons think of next?
15)Passionate kissing is banned in Sorocaba, Brazil. Hmm...is it bad breath( halitosis) phobia?
16)While not as extreme as the ancient Israelite punishment for adultery (stoning), Greek men still had their fair share of discomfort if they were caught: their pubic hair was removed and a large radish was shoved up their rectum!

Damn! and all this time I thought the MMA (Paki islamic party) maulvis were experts with coming up with the most stupid laws but it seems they're in good company :-)

TALES OF MERE EXISTENCE

Today while browsing through a bookstore, due to my chronic procrastination, I saw a very interesting comic book called, 'Tales of mere existence' I absolutely loved it as it is exactly the type of humor that I love. I instantly spent the last bucks I had left after all the money I had been saving for months had been cruelly taken away from me as a punishment for, officially speaking, making a long call to H--which, by the way, I was going to pay for anyway but my parents thought that wasn't enough. Unofficially speaking this was punishment for being gay and being shocking and disappointing enough to actually meet a guy! I mean, ofcourse its fine with them if I'm gay-who cares!-just as long as I don't show any signs or acts of being one. Plus it was a punishment to warn me that they are serious about me not contacting H again.

Anyway, I found out that there was an actual website for, 'Tales of mere existence' with great animated movies! Its a superb site--go check it out! I'm sure there are other people who appreciate this kind of stuff.

If someone needs to find out if he is gay or not then this 'Tales of mere existence' will inform you of a personal account of a technique to find out the truth! Hilarious!

ONE DAY AWAY, ALL IT TAKES...

Two weeks away feels like the world should have changed
but I'm home now and things still look the same.
I think I'll leave it till tomorrow to unpack,
try to forget for one more night that I'm back in my flat,
on the road where the cars never stop going through the night,
to a life where I can't watch the sun set, I don't have time, I
don't have time.

I've still got sand in my shoes and I can't shake the thought of you.
I should get on, forget you but why would I want to?
I know we said goodbye, anything else would have been confused
but I want to see you again!

Tomorrow's back to work and down to sanity
should run a bath and then clear up the mess I've made before I left here
try to remind myself that I was happy here before I knew that I could get
on a plane and fly away from the road where the cars never stop going through the night,
to a life where I can watch the sun set and take my time, all
our time

I've still got sand in my shoes and I can't shake the thought of you.
I should get on, forget you but why would I want to?
I know we said goodbye, anything else would have been confused
but I want to see you again!

Two weeks away, all it takes, to change and turn me around I've fallen
I walked away, and never said, that I wanted to see you again.


Dido - Sand In My Shoe Lyrics

ONCE IT'S ALL OUT.......

Throw me a curve-ball and watch me duck! I've always been good at the game of dodge-the-ball whether it was an actual ball I was avoiding getting hit by or the figurative balls of life that are just as keen to hit you and get you out of the game but somehow, unlike the real game, life's game always has curve-balls with a twist. No this is not a preamble leading to my analyses of someone's balls! :-)

Once again the ball I was avoiding, i.e coming clean to my parents and letting them enter my world, has turned out to be surprisingly twisted. Eventhough their reaction to the whole story has been scary but it seems as if after getting everything out there is a new sense of freshness in our relationship. It's like a new beginning but this time based on genuine understanding. It's almost like I feel as if its all out now and we've gotten over with the scary reaction part now, all the secrets, scary anger fits, crying, emotional drama has finally been done with and a new dawn has arrived. It wasn't easy, it was bad, but after that there is a new sense of freedom. I dealt with my shock, they dealt with their shock, they lashed out finally and after all of that it seems like we just go up now. All that was supposed to happen has happened. WHEN ALL THE MUCK IS OUT ONE CAN FINALLY MOVE ON.

This was the day after their big breakdown and after a night of dealing with the new realities the morning was imbued with a sense of calm. Realities got challenged, reactions finally bubbled out and we can finally move on. We had a nice, calm talk and decided that life goes on.

This doesn't mean that they are ok with the idea of me having any contact with men in any other way than a friend at this stage. They say that its not the right time for me and that I should just make my life first and then after a few years I'll know myself better and then I can do whatever I want. I agreed with them that I should concentrate on my studies--which, by the way, have been seriously neglected. I conceded that flying to Karachi like that was careless and impulsive. They ended up still stuck on their demand that I never talk to H again or get involved in homosexual acts at this stage. I didn't explicitly commit to any of their demands I just said, "Hmm." If they construed it as an, "Ok! you got it!" then it's not my fault! Hehe :-)

Anyway its not like I am doing anything now that they might object to. I'm just a nineteen-years-old guy who is just trying to live this life and within all the confusion, pain and rubble tries to remain in awe of it all--can't let that go!

I DON'T THINK MY PARENTS LIKE H MUCH!

A few days ago I came out to my dad. He seemed to take it well and seemed supportive. I had already told my mom and she was accepting aswell. Telling my dad and finding him to be accepting gave me such a high. I was feeling so much better after that. I completely didn't ponder about the numerous times they've been telling me since the last couple of days that they are sure that it's just a phase and that its very normal. My dad keeps on telling me how dangerous it is to meet any gay person in Pakistan or get involved in the scene. They keep on saying that I should only concentrate on my studies. They always say all of this in such a way that I kept on feeling like they were being accepting and accommodating, but it is starting to seem that they might not be so ok with my sexual orientation afterall. Maybe they know that getting angry and making a fuss will not help so they try to seem accepting and then try to convince me to change myself, but I didn't dwell on all of this much because I was just so happy and relieved to be out to my family and that they didn't shout and scream when I told them--except today.

Today all hell broke loose. It was a horrible day. It started so innocently. I was just eating lunch and talking to my parents and I was feeling so happy that almost everything was out in the open and I suddenly felt bold enough to tell them everything. Without thinking about it I mentioned that I had met a guy when I was in Pakistan. I really did not expect what happened after this. It was like I had just uttered some unthinkable heresy and they both made such a huge hue and cry and completely got after me to tell them exactly what happened. After seeing their reaction I resisted but they weren't leaving me alone and it was getting so irritating that I just thought that I should get it all over with once and for all. After all this was the time of closure. I told them how we met online and that I had flown to Karachi to meet him and I told them how old he was and what he did. They listened to me with shocked faces and when I was finished there was an awkward silence. The tension in the air was so heavy I felt I couldn't breathe. Then my dad snapped and started to shout at me like crazy. It was so disturbing as my dad never shouts at me. He said that he was very disappointed in me and couldn't believe that I would do something like this. Then suddenly my mom asked, "How did you pay for the flight ticket? You don't have that much money!" I felt I was trapped in some horror movie. Shit! How was I going to explain that? *gulp* They were already so angry that I couldn't think about telling them that I had taken some money out of my dad's bank account to pay for the trip so instead I said, "He paid for the ticket." It was like a bomb blasted after this sentence. "WHAT?!" both of them said in unison. My dad was so angry he cursed me for the first time in my life and said that I don't even have any self-respect. "Shaabash!Ab male prostitute ban gaya hae!(Great! Now he's a male prostitute!)" He shouted. I panicked and told them that I had paid for most of it. This didn't make things better at all. My mom said that they had trusted me with their bank account and they never thought that I would take money out like this without even asking them and then doing something like this and then she started crying. I felt so guilty and ashamed infront of them at that moment. I wished that somehow the ground would open and gulp me in forever.

After sometime my parents calmed down and then they calmly told me that I should just concentrate on my studies and make something of myself and then I should think about such matters. They said that what I did was so shockingly stupid that they couldn't even imagine that I would do something like that. They pretty much made it clear that I was still totally dependent on their money and was living in their house. They asked me whether I talk to him now and I said I didn't but then suddenly my dad remembered that there were mysterious phone calls to Pakistan on the phone bill which he didn't get who made--till now. He showed me the number and said, "You made these calls?" I didn't know what to say but the truth and that brought another anger fit. Eventually they decided to take away all my pocket money. They said that I should not talk to H again and I told them that I wasn't even doing that anyway--this made them happy.

The conclusion is that it was a very traumatic day for me and now I know that my parents say they're ok with me being gay but they won't tolerate me getting involved in the queer scene and can't even think about me being with a guy. FUCK!

INEBRIATED WOES

I went to another party this Thursday night and I had thought that I will never touch booze again after that last time when I got so drunk that it wasn't even funny--wow, that one sure was a disaster! I thought I would just gulp down a few beers but the problem is that in keeping with the tradition I had to participate in the usual pre-party drinking at the guy-who-had-invited-me's place aka Vijay or VJ and then at VJ's girlfriend aka VJGF's (I know,I'm very original) place. By the time we had finally decided to leave for the party I was already pretty high--but in my senses.

I entered the house and it seemed like a million barrel full of wild, rabid monkeys had been let loose on that house. It was completely in shambles with food and people littered on the floor and all the furniture upturned and stained with guacamole and what seemed like salsa. There was a well-stocked bar and a very crowded dance-floor. I went straight for the vodka and the nachos.

After a few drinks I somehow found myself dancing with a girl and talking nonsense. "You have a weird name." silicone-tits mumbled referring to my real Paki name. "Call me Bruce then." I said. "liar!" She blathered. Then I think I kinda aimlessly danced with a few girls and got tired and slumped back on a couch. The fucker next to me was smoking a joint and offered me a puff but I was still in my senses and declined. I wasn't ready to try pot yet.

I sat there in the couch looking at couples kissing and fondling passionately all around me and got so turned on--and miserable. I really wished I had someone. VJ and VJGF joined me on the couch and we chatted about how wasted everyone was in this dump. I wanted to get another drink but due to my experience last time I knew my limit this time and didn't go near the bar.

I stayed a little bit longer, socialized some more with people I didn't know and would probably never meet again and ate some more snacks and wondered how much fun it would be if I knew someone or was here with someone who I can call a friend or lover. I was an isolated soul in the crowded room.

It was time to leave from my second party in this city and I think I had a reasonably good time but somehow I felt that the sense of camaraderie was missing from the experience. I just always end up feeling like an outsider.

BRUCE SCORES POINTS WITH A SKI INSTRUCTOR

I have always loved the great outdoors and the sense of adventure and vastness that it imparts. I have always had a yen for activities like hiking, cycling, rollerblading and swimming. I would like to do much more adventurous and wilder stuff but unfortunately I have never had the opportunity. I simply love things that bring a rush of adrenaline to my body. Whenever I go to any amusement park I always have to go on the fastest, most scariest rollercoasters and rides. I want to bunjee jump, scuba dive, sky dive, sky-glide and all of such stuff.

Ok so that ends the introduction paragraph which was employed to culminate in to the sentence: I went skiing this weekend! It was pure unadulterated fun. I have never skied before so I decided that before heading for the slopes and killing myself I should take an expensive futile class and then proceed with the killing myself part.

I got fully decked up in ski gear and was ready to ski but the fucking instructor was going to come like after 30 minutes, so if anyone knows me they would know that I am not the type who patiently waits in such matters; I needed to get started right then! So I started skiing on a very gradual slope and thought I was doing good so decided to get on a slightly more inclined slope and got on the top and started skiing down and picked up speed. Oops! The speed was getting a little too fast and how the fuck do I stop, slow down or change directions? While I was pondering over these deep philosophical puzzles of the universe the defective balancing system of my body betrayed me and I fell hard and then gravity had more fun as I made a few painful somersaults and found myself lying on my back with one of my leg stuck on the ski pole and positioned somewhere near my head! Somehow people managed to take on the challenge of untangling me and even succeeded the ordeal.

After that I grudgingly waited for the instructor but when he finally came I was ready for some action! The lesson started and I was doing pretty well. The instructor was praising me and as time passed I eventually realized I was the pet student. Hah! The instructor was telling the rest of the losers to look at how I was skiing. Every time I did some move right he would give me a high-five and encouraging words! I was loving it! By the end of the class I had made the other students thoroughly jealous and spiteful of me. They kept on falling while I glided past them haughtily! LOL. Ok, ok I admit I fell a few times and blundered as well but I was relatively much better, so in the end my instructor said that I definitely have some potential and was flexible. Well duh! Obviously he would say I'm flexible as I fell once during the lesson and ended up like a pile on the ground looking like a pretzel! Well at least I've been certified by a ski instructor as having potential and I think I should do this again someday.

Au Revoir

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

There, another noble goal has been accomplished: I was finally able to get naked in front of people and take a shower in front of others in the gym locker room!

I took off my clothes and got buck naked in front of many people and then walked naked to a shower and turned the water on and got all hot and steamy under the shower. Then I soaped myself from my feet to my head and washed myself and then stood naked under the dryer and then toweled myself dry and then walked back to my locker(without a towel wrapped around me i.e. naked) and put on my clothes and sprayed some deo and DONE!

For someone who has never been naked in front of others it was a big step to get over that inhibition--now I can join a nudist colony!Hehe

The best part was that the person right next to me in the shower was EXACTLY like 'H'! He must have been Indian or Paki and he had the exact body shape and height and looked very much like him. I'm surprised by this happening--such a coincidence. I'm really serious, this guy looked just like 'H'! I was fighting hard not to stare at him but I was completely falling in love with him. He even smiled at me. I was totally ready to be with him forever if he had asked me.

Ok now that I've made myself proud for being able to be nude in front of other human beings without freaking out I think I should set another worthy cause to strive for. What's the next level?

WORK IT!

I occasionally manage to carry my lazy ass to the gym. It happens on a day when I'm in a heady let's-turn-my-life-around state of mind--it never lasts! The problem with me is that either I don't exercise or study at all or I get excited and overdo it so much that I can't maintain the new level of work and slump back to an idle, guilt-ridden existence.

Yesterday I went to the gym and really worked my ass out. I kept up the work-out for a freaking two and a half hours! The endorphins didn't make me realize that I was dead tired but boy, did the lactic acid accumulated in my muscles bother me today!

Now I'm sure I won't hit the gym for at least a week. That's me!

WRITING IN BRIEFS

I'm sitting in my room, on my chair, typing away, wearing only sexy, black briefs. In case you're wondering why I'm sharing this piece of information with you all, I will bother to move my fabulous fingers and write down the reason:
It's because I want to! It's also because you don't have a choice. The third reason is that I've realized that I'm uncomfortable being naked infront of anyone whose a member of the Homo Sapiens species so I need to practice being atleast semi-naked for sometime in my room. I blame my anti-sex, anti-body culture completely. I think I've never been completely naked infront of anyone or even half in my life except for maybe when I was a child, which I don't remember. Wait! I was semi-nude when I used to go swimming like 3 years ago and I've started again (I'll get to this later).

The time when the 'bechara'(pitiful) maid's boy had tried to fuck me I had only taken off my pants and not my shirt and there was no touching involved he just directly got to business and then just when the poor thing thought he was gonna have a good time I stopped him. "Stop!" I said. I can still remember his confused, disappointed look. "But I thought you wanted me to do this." He had said with big questioning eyes.

Oh and yeah there was another time when someone was ready to try the same thing with me and I stopped him just as soon. "Stop!Stop!" were the words that came out of my mouth again. No its not like I didn't want him to do it as I had asked him to do it myself but noooo. I wonder why I stop them even before they start. I guess, I need someone to be more slower, gentler and who would calmly encourage me to go on. I think the person who'll be successful in 'getting in to my pants' would have to put much more work in to it. I'm not 'that' easy now am I? I mean if I was that easy then I would have already made lots of guys happy. Well, if this thing doesn't work out then I'm turning top or straight. Good options! Hehe :-)

Oh yeah back to the reason for shaking off my inhibition about nudity. The reason is that after a swim I have to take a bath in the gym locker room and I can't do it as I feel uncomfortable. I swear if I had tried getting buck naked under the shower in front of other men in Pakistan I would have not been a virgin.

*shiver* I feel cold. Damn! I'm wearing clothes again. What's the point of being naked when you don't have someone to warm you?

HOW SOME WORDS SPEAK DIRECTLY TO THE HEART.

I saw this on my good friend outsider's weblog and it touched a chord in my heart so I decided to write it down here as well. It is Jalaluddin Rumi's quotes and poetry.

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
- Jalaluddin Rumi, Sufi poet

Ever since you fled from my embrace
no one has seen me without tears.
You are always in my heart and soul;
I hope you, too, will not forget me.
-Rumi

The secret of Truth is not unravelled
by questioning or giving away
your wealth and position.
You cannot exalt the heart with mere words,
pain is the price that the heart has to pay.

Troubled by questions all my life,
like a madman I have been
knocking at the door.
It opened!
I had been knocking from inside.

It is said that God's light
comes from six directions.
"From where?" asks the crowd,
turning left and right.
If only you could look neither way
for a moment.
-Rumi

Do You Love Me?

A lover asked his beloved,
Do you love yourself more
than you love me?

The beloved replied,
I have died to myself
and I live for you.

I've disappeared from myself
and my attributes.
I am present only for you.

I have forgotten all my learnings,
but from knowing you
I have become a scholar.

I have lost all my strength,
but from your power
I am able.

If I love myself
I love you.
If I love you
I love myself.

UNHAPPY

People say everything happens for a reason. Does it really? People say that we are supposed to experience what we did. They say that there is a deeper force and reason behind the everyday mundane happenings. People say we should accept everything that happened to us and understand that it was all for the better. I try to believe that there is more. I try to find some meaning or semblance of hope and stability, but I fail. I try to pick up all the broken pieces of my life and put them together like a jigsaw puzzle--with missing parts.