I DON'T THINK MY PARENTS LIKE H MUCH!

A few days ago I came out to my dad. He seemed to take it well and seemed supportive. I had already told my mom and she was accepting aswell. Telling my dad and finding him to be accepting gave me such a high. I was feeling so much better after that. I completely didn't ponder about the numerous times they've been telling me since the last couple of days that they are sure that it's just a phase and that its very normal. My dad keeps on telling me how dangerous it is to meet any gay person in Pakistan or get involved in the scene. They keep on saying that I should only concentrate on my studies. They always say all of this in such a way that I kept on feeling like they were being accepting and accommodating, but it is starting to seem that they might not be so ok with my sexual orientation afterall. Maybe they know that getting angry and making a fuss will not help so they try to seem accepting and then try to convince me to change myself, but I didn't dwell on all of this much because I was just so happy and relieved to be out to my family and that they didn't shout and scream when I told them--except today.

Today all hell broke loose. It was a horrible day. It started so innocently. I was just eating lunch and talking to my parents and I was feeling so happy that almost everything was out in the open and I suddenly felt bold enough to tell them everything. Without thinking about it I mentioned that I had met a guy when I was in Pakistan. I really did not expect what happened after this. It was like I had just uttered some unthinkable heresy and they both made such a huge hue and cry and completely got after me to tell them exactly what happened. After seeing their reaction I resisted but they weren't leaving me alone and it was getting so irritating that I just thought that I should get it all over with once and for all. After all this was the time of closure. I told them how we met online and that I had flown to Karachi to meet him and I told them how old he was and what he did. They listened to me with shocked faces and when I was finished there was an awkward silence. The tension in the air was so heavy I felt I couldn't breathe. Then my dad snapped and started to shout at me like crazy. It was so disturbing as my dad never shouts at me. He said that he was very disappointed in me and couldn't believe that I would do something like this. Then suddenly my mom asked, "How did you pay for the flight ticket? You don't have that much money!" I felt I was trapped in some horror movie. Shit! How was I going to explain that? *gulp* They were already so angry that I couldn't think about telling them that I had taken some money out of my dad's bank account to pay for the trip so instead I said, "He paid for the ticket." It was like a bomb blasted after this sentence. "WHAT?!" both of them said in unison. My dad was so angry he cursed me for the first time in my life and said that I don't even have any self-respect. "Shaabash!Ab male prostitute ban gaya hae!(Great! Now he's a male prostitute!)" He shouted. I panicked and told them that I had paid for most of it. This didn't make things better at all. My mom said that they had trusted me with their bank account and they never thought that I would take money out like this without even asking them and then doing something like this and then she started crying. I felt so guilty and ashamed infront of them at that moment. I wished that somehow the ground would open and gulp me in forever.

After sometime my parents calmed down and then they calmly told me that I should just concentrate on my studies and make something of myself and then I should think about such matters. They said that what I did was so shockingly stupid that they couldn't even imagine that I would do something like that. They pretty much made it clear that I was still totally dependent on their money and was living in their house. They asked me whether I talk to him now and I said I didn't but then suddenly my dad remembered that there were mysterious phone calls to Pakistan on the phone bill which he didn't get who made--till now. He showed me the number and said, "You made these calls?" I didn't know what to say but the truth and that brought another anger fit. Eventually they decided to take away all my pocket money. They said that I should not talk to H again and I told them that I wasn't even doing that anyway--this made them happy.

The conclusion is that it was a very traumatic day for me and now I know that my parents say they're ok with me being gay but they won't tolerate me getting involved in the queer scene and can't even think about me being with a guy. FUCK!