I KNOW

I know that today was one of those slow, relaxed days, which I hardly get any more. I know that I have a sense of tension building up due to the mounting workload, which I refuse to get started on because I am just fed up with it all. I know that the person that I like the most in my college is also the person with whom I'm the most careless and inconsiderate. What I DON'T know is why do I do this?

I know that its not what I want to do or even plan to do, but somehow I screw it all up. I don't nurture or protect the friendship instead I damage and scar it. I know that I cherish the time I spend with him, but I also know that I act as if I couldn't care less whether he is around or not. I fight with him constantly and bitch about him with everyone.

I know that today we fought again. He shouted and was brimming with anger. I know its not all my fault--hardly. But I also know that I have my fair share. I know that yesterday I did it again. I made him bitter by the way I acted--rude and inconsiderate. Yesterday I had to take sides and like always I didn't take his side. "You never take my side, you never stick up for me." I know I'm sorry. I know that he wanted to tell me that he was disappointed and hurt and wished I would understand, and he was shouting at me just trying to tell me that. And I refused to placate him and tell him that I cared instead I said he deserved the hate of others, I told him what bad things people say about him and that they were all damn right. I told him that I loved every second when the others dissed him and bad mouthed him. Hell I even joined in! I know he said, "I don't want you as a friend, you're not worth it." And that's the last thing he said.

I'm afraid that I'll make him permanently bitter towards me. I hope I don't drive an irreparable wedge between us. I know that I like him a lot. I know that I don't want to lose his friendship either.

I know yet I just don't know.

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I think I should add a background to this otherwise it misrepresents the idea. This guy, chocho, irritates me a lot and we're in a constant battle of embarassing the other in front of people. Yet we are close friends and spent inordinate amount of time together each day. So you could guess how frustrating it gets. Yesterday he irritated and disappointed me, and I kind of reacted too strongly with the anger I felt. I said sorry today--meant it.