COMFORTABLY BURY THE RELATIONSHIP

I returned back to home after a long time for Eid-ul-Azha. The first day at home was marked by a record breaking sleeping and brooding session intermitted with some little sobbing and whining to friends. The next couple of days, on the other hand, were marked my frenetic activity and a palpable sense of peace and comfort. Then the last day of the holiday was tainted by an unsettling sinking feeling which passed and led to the light peaceful feeling again.

The question is what was the basis of the emotional background of my eid holidays?
Answer: C-L-O-S-U-R-E

A vague and ambiguous relationship finally got rudely slammed and terminated right on the first day of my holidays. Due to some small tiff or something a few days earlier on the phone, H had not been replying to my smses or answering my calls. I was too busy with my exams to think about it much. Then came the first day of free time for understanding and contemplation. I didn't think it was anything serious, so I wrote another "I'm sorry," message but no reply. There I was alone in my room with emotional music on and nice weather and scenery spread out in front of me from the large windows of my room. The point is that free time, emotional music, personal space and good scenery makes one very susceptible to heart break and sentimentality--I vouch for that! Therefore I was like, "He didn't reply! well this calls for an emotionally appealing sms" Then I messaged him and basically asked him to reply because I was feeling really bad and stuff so if he cares then I better see the reply. NO REPLY. I messaged him telling him that if any of our shared experience meant anything or he ever felt anything for me then reply. N-O-P-E! Then I was like, 'Ok bye but atleast do one last thing for me and call.' I just wanted to bid a proper farewell to a person who I had associated in a weird but still some how meaningful way. I mean this pseudo-relationship was a part of some plane of my life afterall. I waited and waited and then at one point I suddenly realized what had happened: He was never going to reply--rest in peace relationship!

He was like a person quitting smoking cold turkey. COLD turkey. Last time I talked to him he was asking me to come to Karachi and then suddenly he dismisses every single thing in a cold, rude way. The feeling of suddenly being dumped from a relationship that didn't even exist was weirdly perturbing. But the thing that bothered me was that I felt insulted. The fact that I was asking him to reply if he cares or cared and his not replying clearly showed that there wasn't an ounce of care left and that was just unexpected because he was definitely NOT showing any signs of alienation from me.

It's funny how many times I had tried to completely end this relationship, but some how the interaction always began again--mostly due to him! It's also hilarious that his last sms implied flirtation! Its mind-blowingly chuckle-worthy that he sent absolutely no signal of a closure and then suddenly one fine day, out of the blue come Mr. I-don't-exist-anymore enters the picture!

I was definitely pissed and hurt. I called two of my really close and understanding friends immediately to whine and complain and cuss. I talked and talked with them. They were a God sent and helped me relax a bit. Thanks a lot guys!

I wanted to write an angry post but I decided otherwise. If this came out as angry then its misinterpreted. I am NOT angry at H at all now. I don't hate him at all--now. I am not bitter either. This was purely a descriptive post about my reaction and feelings at that time. I DO hold certain grudges and complains, but no hate. I think that H is a great person. He has always been good to me (except this time) and I will always remember him positively (except this last part) and relish the (better) memories. :-)

I just wanted to say that things end, big deal. I may not agree with the way H ended it or understand exactly why and why now, but I do support his decision. I also understand that the only way to end something is to END it and that means no replies to messages, no matter what. I had actually tried doing that myself before at one time, to end all contact with him, but at one point I caved in. But this time I'm certain its the final chapter's conclusion. I was tired of refusing his appeal to come to Karachi anyway!


So it ends only with two things:
1) Disapproval at the way it was done and a bad after taste;
2) Complete understanding that it had to be done, and relief and lightness at getting closure.