WORDS COMING STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now but it sure is a strange feeling. It's as if there is a sad feeling but also a weird fascinated feeling. I am hating my life and at the same time am amazed at it and liking it. Sometimes, I feel as if I am in a drama and so everything, whether good or bad, is experienced in a dramatic way and so it's very much about being involved with life.

Sometimes I think I actually enjoy being sad. Experiencing emotions and strong feelings is draining but also kind of appealing (for lack of better words). There is something about lying alone in my room, listening to melancholic or deep music, wondering about life, sighing, peeking out of my window & watching the moon. There is a whole drama to it. In a perverse way pain can be something one unconsciously seeks and enjoy or maybe it's a way of dealing with problems and harmful emotions. It's like something really hurts you and you hate it BUT hating, being down and all the drama involved is also a way of experiencing life and actually quite a good one. I don't understand it at all, it's just such a paradox.

I know that right now I am feeling lonely, isolated, inadequate and life seems so hard but at the same time the loneliness brings to surface emotions of yearning for another person and that thought brings forth such bitter sweet emotions. And thinking about what I've been through and what I'm going through gives a sense of accomplishment and perseverance. And the hardships also seem part of the magic of life. I just can't help it, life fascinates me eventhough I hate it right now and that's the paradox.

So as I cry to be released from all the pain and problems, the crying itself
becomes my celebration of life!