UGLY ME (PART 2)

By the time I was 14 I was in a much healthier state of mind. But that didn't mean that I had started to like my looks. No sir, I still believed I was ugly but it just didn't bother me to the extent it used to before. And people didn't rub it in so much and weren't so mean to me either.

But then strange things began to happen. I found out that a girl in my school had a HUGE crush on me! I was shocked because I couldn't believe that anyone could have a crush on someone with such average looks. I was flattered but it never changed by perception about my looks. But then I found out that there were 3 more girls who liked me! I was so confused and surprised. At the same time people began to compliment me about my looks but somehow I could never believe them. When I was 15 there was a slam book being passed around in class and there was a question about who was the best-looking boy in the class and to my astonishment many people had written my name. But due to my past experiences and familiar and firmly entrenched role as an ugly and unlikeable, unpopular person those things never really affected me.

I guess over the years I have stopped believing that I'm ugly and I like my looks now. But somethings never seem to change like my under confidence and low self-esteem. Although I do believe that I'm not ugly but I still think that somehow my looks are of no use and don't make any difference. I stll expect people to behave just as bad to me as before. I feel that even if I am the most sexiest person alive people will still not want to be my friend and as if there is just something missing. I feel as if I can't get any respect.

I know where these mind blocks come from, they can be traced to my early years and the horrific 10th and 11th year of my life. It seems as if I never completely recovered. I must have been damaged somehow because I can't seem to socialize and interact properly. It's like a self-fulfilled prophecy again. There is a deep-rooted insecurity about my self-worth that won't go and no matter how good-looking I am it still doesn't really makes any difference when it comes to being accepted, integrated, bonded and respected. I'm still discarded and unappreciated.

I wonder is it the Thomas theorem again? Is it because I believe that no one will ever like me or want to be my friend that I actually somehow make it become true by not opening my self to other possibilities. But it's too hard to break the cycle. I can't convince myself otherwise and no one proves any other truth to me either. And so I keep on feeling unwanted and as if people won't let me get too close to them. Therefore, I don't risk any furthur embarrassment and keep my distance. In college a friend of mine said that when he first met me he thought I was a very confident and popular person but he found out the opposite very soon and he said that he always wondered why I had become this way; why I kept my distance and am such a loner as he felt that originally I couldn't be that way and it was contradictory. I wonder if there could be any truth to that. But I just can't image being loved by anyone or being special for someone. I can't imagine someone considering me worth being close to rather than just a formal aquaintance and I've resigned myself to being a formal aquaintance for everyone, even my family.

THE END