HOW DID I BECOME GAY?

One of the most intriguing and puzzling question about human nature remains unsolved: nature vs. nurture. Are we the product of our socialization and experiences or are our personalities and other qualities biologically endowed? There are advocates of both theories known as constructionists and naturalists but it seems to me that the most logical explanation lies somewhere in between. Both biology and nurturance has to play a part, but to what degree and in which qualities is the question to be reckoned with.

I must confess, this puzzle has often consumed my brain neurons. Because I have always wondered how did I become gay? And after a lot of thinking, over many years, I have found out that, first, it is a highly complex subject and, second, it may vary from individual to individual. Although both nature and nurture may play some part in everyone but it might be that nature, or for that matter nurture,might be the main cause of homosexuality with the other being an enhancer of a sort. But atleast in my case nature seems to be the main cause. I have had a perfectly normal childhood, with no sexual abuse and my relationship with both of my parents was normal and healthy. And I wasn't exposed to any homosexual elements in society either. In fact, I didn't know what the word gay meant before I was very close to puberty. I never ever suspected I was gay before puberty. Even when I had that sexual experiece with 'the boy' (my pre-adolescent penis experiences a fine butt), I still didn't suspect I was gay. I just thought that I had just done it by mistake or whatever but not because I was gay but now I see a latent homo influence in that particular act.

And this leads to the time when testosterone started to really pulse through my veins (13-14) and I developed a sex drive. This was the time when I found out that men were much more effective in titillating the pleasure-erotic areas of my brain. And boy, once I realized that, it was HELL! I was in a state of panic.

I thought, "what! I can't be a fag!That's just not me!" and I had been brought up in this homophobic society and I never questioned it. I had accepted views about sexual orientation and gays unconsciously. So, it was like a big shock for me to suddenly find out that I was someone I myself thought weird or sick. So, obviously I did the obvious: trying to change the gender of my lust. I just couldn't change the way I was programmed and god knows I tried hard. I tried gorgeous women in seductive poses on print or video...NOPE! I tried fantasizing about actual girls...Didn't work. I repeatedly told myself that it's sick to lust over one's own sex but that didn't work either.

I tried so hard and kept failing till I had reached the breaking point. I decided that I will give up thinking about sex altogether so then I would never think of men in that way. And this was the hardest thing I had to do till date and obviously impossible. My resolve gradually broke and male sexual imagery started again. I couldn't stop it but I still couldn't accept that I was gay so I just ignored it. Everyday I would think of men in a sexual way and still somehow make myself believe that I was not gay! See, I wasn't ready to break the bullshit about sexual orientation I had learned from society yet. And this shows how indoctrinated we are but I had to change all of my ingrained beliefs and values eventually because the old-system wasn't working for me anymore. And eventually, I came to accept and love my sexuality.

But it hasn't been easy and still is not easy because I still live in the same society with the same people who never had to face the jarring inconsistency of our notions about sex and reality. So they keep on believing the lies and prejudices. But I grew up and faced reality, one day at a time, and this society will eventually have to do the same and it's not going to easy for it either.

SOME DAY