LYING ALONE, WISHING FOR SOMEONE TO SAVE ME.

For the last couple of months life has been one hardship after another continuously. It was never this hard before. This is to date the most difficult period of my life and also one with drastic changes. In this year I feel as if I went from the kid state to the adult state and it all happened so fast. This process exacerbated and brought out many kinks and problems that were kinda dormant in me and which now are very obvious and disturbing to me.

One is that I never seem to connect emotionally with people and can't form any bonds with them. I am even emotionally distant with my parents and I wasn't really even conscious of it. Recently I met a few people with whom I opened up much more than anyone else but I couldn't feel a friendship blooming or even an intimate bond with them. I wonder is it just me or do they feel likewise? I long desperately for friendships as I feel very isolated. The type of bond that one has with another person which makes one feel special and wanted. All my relationships are formal. I want someone with whom I can be informal, comfortable, who I can call up anytime and talk nonsense, who understands me and feels close to me and I to him/her. THAT is the type of friendship I long for. I am not even considering a relationship as I know I'm so ill suited for it right now.

It's torture to feel so unwanted and unimportant. Not valued by anyone. I really have no clue how to form bonds with people but I wish so fucking much that someone would ignore my distant coldness and like me. I want to feel close to someone and not just be some formal acquaintance that people try to be nice and caring to but don't include in the close important people in their life. This is just torture. I don't even want to meet anyone anymore because of this distance I feel with everyone. And I realize that I need someone else to just break the now firm belief that no one can be close to me by proactively showing me his/her appreciation of me and demonstrating my importance to him/her. I am so disillusioned at myself and feel that somehow I'm just likeable only for formal distant relationships but not likeable enough for someone to think of me as a close friend or lover.

I just don't know what to do.