MY PRE-ADOLESCENT PENIS EXPERIENCES A FINE BUTT

Recently I saw the movie 'thirteen'

and it kinda reminded me when I was in 7th and 8th grade. Ofcourse I was a whole lot tamer than the slutty troubled vixen in the movie but I was much more wilder than ever before or after. I was doing stuff that I haven't done after that phase. It was something about discarding being a child and asserting my independence by discarding what is proper. I guess that's how many early teens feel and it's also the time of great psychological and physical changes. The need to impress and conform to one's peer group is also very strong. So at this phase I started watching porno at my friend's place and tried cigarettes. I also started watching horror flicks cause I thought they would make me more stronger or less sensitive to violence. And it was in this setting that I had my first sexual experience.

I must be 13 then and there was this 15 or 16 years old boy living in our house at that time. He was the maid's son and we used to chat a lot together. One day the conversation turned towards sex and the discussion turned 'the boy' very on. He looked at me with lustful eyes and said things like you're so sexy and handsome. I had such a low self-esteem that those words made me feel I couldn't disappoint him as I longed for ego-boosters like that. So when he asked me to sit on his lap, I obliged him instantly as I liked the attention. It should be mentioned that I had still not hit puberty and didn't have any physical longing for sex. He gave out such a pleasure-laden sound when I sat on his lap that I was amazed that someone could gain such intense pleasure from little ol' me. Maybe that's what made me keep on obliging his requests even when I really had no desire to or felt uncomfortable at what he was doing. He asked me to show my penis to him; I felt embarrassed that he had said such a thing but I still went ahead and opened my Jean's zip to show him my dick which he immediately touched in a lusty dirty way. Dirty because he did it in a way that wasn't respectful to my sense of respect. He just grabbed it and rubbed it while alarm bells rang in my head. I managed to put the cock back in it's hiding though and since I needed to feel that this was mutual and that I wasn't getting used by him, I asked him to show his penis aswell. I thought he would hesitate but he readily exposed it and my, did I get a shock. I had never seen an erection before and the size and hardness of the penis elicited a strange feeling of shock and awe.

By this time 'the boy' was very hot and bothered and asked me to kiss him. Feeling brave I asked him whether on the cheeks or lips and he said cheeks, so I did and while I was kissing him he suddenly grabbed me with a lot of force and pressed his body tightly next to mine. It was so unexpected that I instinctly jerked him away from me. He looked a little disappointed and I was just confused. He asked me whether I wanted to have sex and I said no. I said such a strange funny thing, " Why don't you go and masturbate?!" LOL!! He said that masturbation will not please him, he wanted me and that it won't take too long. He talked me in to it and I probably didn't want him to think I was scared or a baby so I agreed to have it.

So we went from where we were sitting to my bedroom and closed the doors. I didn't want to seem passive so I asked him to bend over first. This seems so amusing to me now when I think of it. Here I was trying to hump a guy with my pre-adolescent shriveled penis!! I can't believe 'the boy' went along with it. Anyway, I rubbed my small penis on his butt as a way of expressing that I was as involved as he was in this. Maybe I was just feeling scared. Then came his turn and he told me to lie down face down as he tried to penetrate me. I vividly remember that I was terrified at what he was about to do so I contracted my butt muscles tightly together. He asked me to relax and let go but I couldn't. I wanted to stop him but I felt I had to do it. He stopped after trying to get in as I was just too tight and said he needed a lubricant. So he went to the kitchen and got cooking oil which he spread on my butt and started again. I remember feeling so bad. Then all of a sudden his penis started to get in and I felt a strong surge of pain and I shouted at him to stop at once and pulled away and at that moment he came out on my carpet and butt. I remember being amazed at seeing sperm for the first time.

He seemed disappointed as I didn't let him penetrate me but he said it was fine. I was shaking at what had just happened. It was just something so unusual and I couldn't understand it. I was trembling. I felt sick and asked him to leave my room and he did.

After that I tried to avoid him. He used to smile at me and I always looked the other way. I started to obsess about the event and became very disturbed, especially after seeing a drama on AIDS.

This state lasted until I told my mom about what had happened but the story I told her made me look like I was an unwilling victim, which I wasn't. But I think I really believed in the victim story at that time. All the confusion and obsessive thinking made me interpret the whole incident in a way that wasn't real. And the event wasn't even as traumatic as I had made it. It's probably because of our unhealthy upbringing concerning sex and just our whole society. This made an event that could have been just a normal experience in self discovery something that was quite troubling. But eventually my parents fired the maid (which is sad) and I never saw 'the boy' again. And after so many years the trauma has faded and I can finally see the event for what it was, and I realize now that it wasn't abuse. There never was any force involved either. If only I didn't have such a negative guilt ridden attitude towards natural longings and feelings I would have probably just dismissed it as another event in the process of growing up. And this sums up my first sexual experience!


Adieu!