UGLY ME (PART 1)

'Each to each a looking glass,
Reflects the other that doth pass.'

Most of us construct a looking-glass self; meaning that we value ourselves according to how people treat us or make people's comments our realities. And if we latch on to the negative images we start believing in them and acting them out and so make them real (Thomas theorem). I'm a live example of this phenomenon:

One of my very earliest memories is of being ridiculed and bullied by other children. I remeber denigrating remarks about my looks. So from the very start of the socialization process I developed a negative self-image and low self-esteem. Since we judge ourselves according to how people treat us, my self-image was really bad. Because of this I suffered from under confidence. As I grew older the situation seemed to get worse and it really became extreme when I was 10 and 11. It seems that as my self-esteem fell correspondingly people became more meaner and abusive. The way I defined myself was also the way other people defined me. I looked down on myself and ofcourse people were not going to leave my vulnerability alone.

Ever heard of the Thomas theorem? It states 'What people define as true becomes true in it's consequence.' So, if one thinks one is inferior then one will act on that supposed truth and make it real; that's what I did. When I was 11, things had gotten so bad that I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. That was the only time in my life in which I must have been really suffering from some mental problem because of the trauma. I had physical symptoms of constantly racing heart, palpitation and cold sweaty palms. I couldn't function properly and the world seemed so bleak. Because of that time I know what real depression really feels like. But one day it all changed: It was a weekend and I woke up late, and the moment I woke up I started feeling as if there was a huge boulder on my chest, I couldn't breath. And I felt a sudden panic. I must have stayed like that for an hour until I managed to get up. Then somehow I thought that this was it, I am going to move on. I thought that, yes, I might be ugly but that doesnt mean that I can't have friends or can't be liked and respected. And this was such a radical thought because all along the anguish was due to my constant denial and fear of being ugly. I felt as the world would end if I was ugly and whenever someone made fun of me or something made me think that I was ugly then I got really depressed. But now I felt relieved at the totally new reality construction I had made. Now I felt as if it didn't matter if I was ugly or not because either way my life could be satisfactory. The new paradigm changed every thing, I stopped relating looks with my self-worth and I stopped being so sensitive about people's comments.

What's really amazing is that as my confidence and self-esteem rose, the abuses and degrading comments decreased sharply. And as things improved I also improved. And over the next 2 years I had almost recovered from the demented state of mind I was in and the related tics and behavior. Like, I never used to look in the mirror but gradually I started looking in the mirror and facing my reflection. And in public I always felt tense and as if everyone was staring at me and my face used to feel as if it was constantly throbbing; all of that ended. I couldn't look people in the eyes but that also changed. And this is a perfect example of the Thomas Theorem. It's as if people can sense your self-esteem as respond to it and in the process make you believe in the reality you've constructed in your mind. Nobody called me ugly after 13 and I stopped believing in it aswell and so I changed my defination of reality and made it real.

Continued...