BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS STRAIGHT!

Now I definitely didn't see this coming:

There is this friend of mine from school who I occasionally chat with online. I always assumed he was straight so it was a shock when he started hitting on me in a pretty obvious way. I pretend it's a joke-you know that's how Pakistani guys act- but it seems that it might not be the case.

Friend: You are going to have sex in USA, I'm sure of that.
Me: Well I'm not too sure about it.
Friend: Don't go wild there like running around naked!
Me: LOL well that would be fun!
Friend: Oh its sure gonna be fun for others. But you're going to get in trouble
Me: What?
Friend: You think people will not grab you and enjoy themselves? I wouldn't be able to resist!
Me: *arched eyebrows*whatever
Friend: If you don't find any girlfriend there then I'm going to take you ;-)
Me: Dream on! are you feeling ok?
Friend: Have you ever had some kind of sexual experience?
Me: Why should I tell you? Especially since you have apparently become a freak
Friend: Well neither have I and I can imagine it with you.
Me: What the hell?!
Friend: Chill out. LOL. I'm just joking
Me: oh. umm..I gtg now
Friend: see you later. Bye
Me: yea bye

MOVE THAT ASS!

Today I dared to displease my body and ventured outside to jog. "let's go bod, move your ass!" I told my body but it just didn't feel like it so I had to force it. The first few minutes are always difficult but then I got the hang of it and pranced away stylishly on the footpath giving and receiving smiles.

I have a very bad habit of not being able to stick to my exercise plans. I barely stick to exercise for two or three days and then forget about it for weeks and then suddenly I return to the field with vigor to repeat the same pattern. I remember in August and September I actually manage to go jogging pretty regularly. I was in Pakistan then and I was in a much better mental state then. Looking back I remember what my motivation was, when I used to get tired I exerted myself farther by saying: "You have to have a sexy nice body for [my very temporary crush at that time]" Hehehe I remember it sure motivated me when I thought about him feeling me up and caressing me. "Yes Bruce 15 more minutes, and you'll be the Greek sexy boy from classical time presented as a god-given gift to [that guy]!"

Hmmm...I used to be so cool back then :-)

JUST A THOUGHT THAT POPPED

'I think therefore I am' this is Descartes's famous maxim. It implies that the consciousness or rational part of our being is what leads to our awareness. The rational part is the basis of our existence and leads us to the truth and knowledge. We should trust our rationality. This leads to the idea that mind and body is separate as the rational self can not be expressed in terms of the corporeal body. The body which includes the brain is transitory and not part of ourselves but part of the external nature while we are just our minds. This is where the Cartesian dualism comes i.e. the idea that the mind is our basis of existence (I think therefore I am) while the body is something separate and it is infact implied as being inferior.

Why am I mentioning this? well because this mind/body dualism is very concomitant to the androcentric, heterosexual dominant culture. Reason is identified with morality and the ideal state of being, while the body is identified as constraining freedom. Feelings and emotions are looked down at and are considered as things which take us apart from pure reason. Here comes the important part: reason and rationality are regarded as the source of the taken-for-granted masculine superiority, for women are believed to be uncontrollably carrying the much-disdained and denied aspects of nature i.e. body, sexuality, emotions and impulses. Kant holds that 'women are morally encumbered by being the specific agents of nature's purposes...as creatures led by their emotions and incapable of grasping principles.'

My problem with this is first the assumption that women are irrational and second the idea that feelings and emotions are inferior or lead us away from grasping the truth. I happen to think that feelings and emotions are exceptional tools for experiencing and grasping the world. Why should characteristics which are traditionally associated with women be looked down at like feelings, emotions, communication etc? And it bothers me that the feminists do not challenge the inferior status of these characteristics but instead uphold the inferior status of these things by trying hard to gain and follow masculine ethics and ideas. They become masculine because being masculine is good while all that associated with feminity is bad and feminists just perpetuate the basic idea of patriarchy.

I just want a world which is balanced: the ying and yang are equally respected. This modern feminist world is overly-tilted to the masculine with women proving that they are not emotional, that they are just like men etc. I mean just running away from feminity instead of embracing it and asserting that it is not inferior.

This relates to homosexuality as society's acceptance and conception of queer people can not be changed until we get rid of the androcentric titled view of the world.

Furthermore the mind as in the rationality and thought is incomplete without the body i.e. the senses. The sensuality of experience. I don't want to think; I want to feel! Maybe the maxim should be changed to:

'I perceive, therefore I am'

DON'T READ THIS.

Today I read my november postings and was impressed by my writing but at the same time worried about my recent entries. Well not recent entries more like all postings after December 17. It maybe because before December 17 I was an unhappy, discontented guy who was full of excitement and life and who felt emotionally strong. I complained, cried and hated my life but I could face it and feel strong, resilient and strangely in awe and excitement at the magic of life. After December 17 however I became a depressed, anxious and insecure me which I didn't know existed. This new me can't relate to this blog anymore because its description includes the phrase zest for life and the general idea that life can be terrible but its still so nice and amazing. It was for the old Bruce who had a normal mind which was strangely secure and zesty not for the no-fun new Bruce who is trying hard to ignore the aching insecurities and craziness and so writes empty, candy-floss posts (well, some of 'em).

I have been in deep troubles since two years but they got worse and new ones kept on adding but I was still okay and the last thing I needed was pathological depression! I wish people could know me when I wasn't either going through serious constant trouble or mental ailments: I used to be a happy cheerful person most of the time who dealt with life's miseries perfectly. How can I deal with this depression? It seems to be a separate entity out of my control. I don't understand whether its because of circumstances or is it just some imbalance of neurochemicals in my brain and not caused by anything in my life. If it is because of my life and circumstances then maybe I can reign it in but if its something else-an imbalance or something that is separate from my existence-then I don't know what to do.

I'm particularly morbid nowadays. I am constantly worried about death, but not mine, other people's death. I get so insecure about someone dying and I think I can't deal with it. It's absolutely crazy; I can't believe this is still me as I never think like this. I was always surprisingly cynical yet optimistically resilient and didn't worry about stuff so much that it would disturb me. I used to just take it out maybe write a whiny dark post on the blog but then feel fine and live my life. It's not like this anymore, now I can never escape the pain. I think its not about anything but how I'm thinking. IT'S ALL IN MY MIND.

I'm so lonely; I have absolutely no company. I feel suffocated in this house, this place, this life. I can't find comfort or pleasure in any thing. I have no zest for life and no characteristic exuberance. I'm scared I won't be able to survive the next few months I have to live like this.

aarrgghh!

Oh God, I can't take living with family--its torture. I'm sitting in my room and trying to block the angry, irritated, hysteric and weepy sounds coming from outside. It keeps on happening time after time. I'm tired of the arguments, tired of the irritating conversations. Why do they love each other so much and yet get on their nerves all the time? Ordinary conversations turn bitter and tense.aaarrrggh!
I was so much better when I wasn't living with my family. I felt so independent. I just feel that although I love them but I just can't take living with them. I don't enjoy much going everywhere with family and spending all day and everyday with them. I just don't want to live with them!

SOCIOPATHS

Recently I read about sociopaths and it really is a pretty scary phenomenon. These people are empty-shells with no conscience, no emotions and no conception of love whatsoever. They do not and can not feel any emotional connection with anyone and do not care for anyone's feelings, rights or wellbeing. Since they have no conscience at all they can do anything and not feel any guilt or remorse. They are aggressive, sexually promiscuous and cold. The most scariest part is that these people can hide their true empty self really well and are generally very charming. I read about a sociopath who used to torture pets for fun and couldn't feel any remorse or guilt. Sociopaths who rape, lie, kill, torture etc. without ever feeling anything. Just imagining people who have no emotions is like those movies in which you have aliens living amongst humans. Sociopaths the aliens--they can be anyone.

PROUD TO BE A FAG!

Oh Lord! I'm so grateful to you that you made me gay! I'm so happy that I'm a fag! I swear if someone told me that they could make me straight I would glare at them and say, "Do you seriously think I would give up the privilege and fun of being gay and become plain old straight?!" I don't think my sexuality is different from me as a whole person. It is part of every thread of my body, soul and mind and not some separate compartment that can be removed or changed without removing the person I am in the process.

I have been going through so many psychological changes recently. Its like a new level of development for me. I've become much more comfortable with my desires and thoughts.

Today I talked to my BF after a long time and after that the pain of separation was too hard to bear. I want to run to him NOW! I could give anything to have 'him' here today. Maybe it was his voice or his words or maybe it was just me!

MY FOOTPRINTS; YOUR SIDEWALK

Today the sun decided to bless me with its cancer-causing, much desired rays. The weather was slighty chilly and the sun was shining bold and bright. Perfect weather to hit the street for those small chores I've been avoiding. Once I realized I was going to be seen in public I had to actually make the effort to take a bath, wear sexy clothes and shave. After the grooming, I was ready to face the world.

I got out and walked cheerfully, with my head held up high and a smile plastered on my face. I felt good and I looked great. I strided onwards to my destination. On my way I saw two sexy hispanic men, they smiled and I smiled back--all normal polite stuff. They kept on looking, I felt special. I had my attention fully focussed on them when I saw their expression change--they winced and then they grinned. I was happy about all the attention. "Hey! Look where you're stepping at!"one of them said. Suddenly, I looked down and saw my footsteps engraved in the wet cement! I had just stepped on wet cement and had not seen the threatening warning sign 'KEEP OFF!' Shit! I peeked at the guys-they were still grinning-GRR, fuck them! I got out of that place as soon as I could to avoid more embarrassment aswell as from the fear of the person whose sidewalk I had just marked with my sexy footprints.

I definately made sure to keep my eyes on the ground and not on hispanic men after that!

WILL THE REAL BRUCE PLEASE STAND UP

I don't know why but since the last two days when ever I thought about posting on my blog I felt the urge to write something inflammatory and blasphemous against God! But I'm not going to do that as I realize its just because I keep on having this need to lash out and shock but in reality I can't even do little shocking things. I'm very conforming or maybe I'm not that conforming but just act conforming. I am very concerned with what people think; its very frustrating.
Eeew, I feel so proper and normal. Will the real kinky Bruce please stand up?

MOONLIT SEA

The endless sea was stretching in front of me with the waves splashing calmly on the beach. The sea looked so enigmatic in the moonlight; it had a force of its own. I climbed the brick wall and looked down at the waves, at the water which seemed so peaceful. The sound of the waves seemed so unreal and it all felt like a dream. 'Is it a dream?' I thought. Then I looked back and there he was, standing there. Right there; right with me. "Come up, with me H" I said. He did. I looked at the sea again but this time with him even closer. It was all too much, too quick, it made me think again and again-looking at him and then at the sea--"Who is he? Why do I feel its something much bigger than my individual self--a lost connection, a forgotten reality, my destiny?"

It happened that very moment; what ever was supposed to happen. Everything happened then. Something changed, like the cosmic world had tipped my unconscious self but never bothered to tell me what happened. So, I felt it but couldn't understand. Still don't understand. The sea remains and so does the image of him right there next to me by the sea. Its symbolic, I like to believe. Atleast I can rest assured that the sea remains...I'd be going back.

MY MOST HORRIFIC SECRET

Today I utter a few words that might change your mind about me forever and make you either covet me eagerly or urge you to plan on the best way of killing me:

*Ok, just say it Bruce, I know it's very hard for you to come out with this secret but you have to come clean now*

I LIKE BRITNEY SPEARS.

*pause after the shock of uttering such a heresy*

I'm sorry, I swear I'm pretty cool otherwise! I just like the whole squeaky clean girl suddenly shocking the bigots and getting all daring and sexual. I know, I know it's all fake and commercial BUT, "It's my prerogative!"

I'M 46% GAY!

So today I was judged-judged by the Gay-O-Meter. After being subjected to intense personal interrogation I was informed that I was--hold your breath--46% gay!
Wait a second, 46%?! Who designs these quizes anyway? What did they write about someone who's 46% gay? Here goes:
"Congratulations, you've scored right in the middle and you are a happy and well-adjusted homo guy."
It came to this conclusion because:
1) I am not too concerned about clothes and fashion.
2) I don't use any beauty products except for soap, shampoo, shaving cream, toothpaste and moisturizer.
3) I don't pluck my eyebrows (huh!)

Basically all social (western) constructs and ideas of how gays are supposed to be.

Sometimes it seems to me that eventhough sexual orientation is a fact, but all other related behaviors, preferences, styles-which seem natural and real to us-are just socially learned roles. Which means--here's the shocker--there's no difference between straight and gay people, except for sexual preference (which can also be contested).

TO MY BELOVED

I feel a seamless convergence of our existences. It is due to you that I find the will to live. You pick me up and cheer me when I can not go on. You are on every important frame of my conscious and unconscious thought. You give me so much unadulterated pleasure. I can never imagine my life without your presence and support. Your ineluctable charm tempts me unrepentingly. When ever I think about you I become so excited and I hunger for you. I adore you so much that I could eat you up. When you're inside me it feels so good; I feel so FULL.
Oh, my love, my dearest, my life TACO BELLS will you marry me?!

PARENTS REVEAL IT ALL!

Spending hours talking to one's parents have a lot of surprising benefits. One being that you get to know ALL about their funny and 'shweet' terms of endearment which they only use privately but somehow decided to tell me today.

Furthermore, I got some juicy pieces of knowledge about their lives. Some samples here (all true):
1) My dad finally fell in love with my mom 2 years after marriage! And I thought it was difficult for me to fall in love! While my Mom fell in love during their honeymoon.
2) My mom was very angry at my dad once-about 3 years in their marriage-because he wasn't romantic enough so she told him ALL about her college boyfriend (which wasn't much actually) and that made my dad very insecure for awhile. Awwww
3) My dad told a really sexy Arab girl to kiss him when I was about 3 years old and we used to live in Virginia. He explained it to me as a lust-driven request which didn't materialize. So, he came home disappointed and told my Mom that he had lost his senses for a few seconds and had asked a sexy girl for a kiss as she was leaning to close to him. My Mom then showed a temper tantrum.
4) Later my Mom and Dad both decided that they love each other a lot and also that they don't think harmless lusts and lustful actions can shake their love and marriage. They also told me today that having sex outside marriage doesn't matter as much as honesty and trust does. Awwww. Oh, and getting 'involved' outside your marriage is a biiig mistake.

I've got the greatest, most intelligent, coolest parents EVER!

NO, IM NOT A MORNING PERSON!

I'm not at all a morning person; why doesn't anyone get that?
When I wake up in the morning, I NEVER ever wake up fresh and cheerful instead I wake up drowsy, bedraggled, my hair dishevelled untidely, my eyes droopy, and my mood grouchy. I want peace, quiet and to be left alone. I don't feel like talking or joking or even eating BUT why does it seem that everyone seems to think that this terrible morning state is cute and fun?! I swear, my family starts to joke around with me, make loud noises and talk to me and when I grunt, stare at them listlessly and show my irritation they find it very enjoyable!

Ok, I can forgive my family but EVERYONE does this torture to me! When I'm at my cousin's and I get up in the morning all dishevelled, half-dead and grouchy thay all know this, and they all take full advantage of me and when I stare at them in irritation with my sleepy eyes that seems to make them want to talk even more!

And then I spent the night with my friends sometimes and I told them in the morning, "I don't feel like talking and doing anything!" and they kept on blabbering in my ears.

I'm only able to get out of my half-dead, dishevelled state after a good shower.

And then there was that Friday morning when I woke up at 'his' place and needed to catch a flight early. Oh God, now here was a morning when I had to deal with traveling, leaving 'him', dealing with conflicting emotions and all the pain and confusion AND all this when I'm NOT a morning person!! Now, 'that' wasn't a cute state at all.

BLAME THE TASTE BUDS AND INSULIN

FOOD: AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

I had the best glazed doughnut today, yummy!

I went to a beautiful university campus and-this is the good part-drank my favorite:

Iced Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks!

Tip: If you ever feel the world is about to end what should you do? Eat one of those really chewy chocolate chip cookies with chocolate milk!

If you want to hate someone then please hate me, as I can eat as much as I want and still remarkably NEVER gain weight!

I SMILE

Looking back at my life I'm always filled with awe. I have many more reasons to be filled with awe now with the strange but true on-the-spur trip to Karachi to meet 'him' and then flying millions of miles to USA. Everytime I go outside I am filled with this incredible sense of awe that I am here right now and how puzzling, frustrating yet appealing and addictive life is. I look at the interesting people, the stores, the lights-and I smile!

BLISS

I'm such a strange creature of God; I've been strangely blissful and cheerful all day. I'm in love with this place. I don't wanna leave! BOOHOO! But I know I'll have to eventually go back to Pakistan again. This place suits me so much more; I feel like I fit here more; I relate to the culture more and it seems as if I'm more western than Pakistani. I feel more free and comfortable.

Google is genius!

The person who googled "crazy, horny, gay boys" and was directed by google to my blog, here's what I have to say: YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE!!!!

Side note: people are freaks (excluding me)!

U ROCK!

Hahahahaha! Today I practiced...stripping for my boyfriend! Ohhhhh! I'm soooo good. *growl* Perfect music, perfect full-length mirror, perfect clothing, perfect setting (alone in my locked room) and perfect mood i.e. very horny and in desperate need of some appreciation and lovin'. Everytime I imagined it in a room full of men but today it was all for my love. Just thinking that he was looking at each move and gesture must have made me even better. And if I am actually able to do this in real life and not faint with embarrassment then I expect him to put the strip-show at a fitting conclusion :-)

I'M BECOMING LAZIER AND DUMBER AS I GROW!

There's this movie I just saw on the video store: 'The Road to love' which is about a gay Muslim guy finding what it means to be gay and Muslim and also very concomitant to the whole gay-Muslim reality and issues matter; so you would think I would rent it, huh? NO! NOPE! I rented the season six of 'Sex and the city' instead!

*I'll give you all a moment to recover from the shock!*

Now, what this tells me is that I will never develop my intellect and understand intellectual matters. I don't read enough 'good' books and I don't dwell much on the deeper aspects of life. I'm sure I used to before (I did! A lot!) but I don't anymore. So, that's why I choose silly, popular serials over something that could potentially help me to gain some knowledge and understanding of my world!

I AM YOURS

This post will seem like the complete antithesis of my previous post.

Why is love so beautiful? *sigh*

I wake up every morning and the first thought and image that comes to my mind is of 'him' and just that fact alone makes my life so much better than it ever was. Just the feeling of knowing that there is someone thousands of miles away who is also thinking of me fills me with warmth.

I sit on my desk and try to understand some academic problem when suddenly something reminds me of 'him'. The time I spent with 'him' were filled with so many small moments and those moments keep on popping in my head and make me grin periodically like a Cheshire cat.

I lounge with my family just idly talking and I fantasize about my future life with 'him'. It makes me so excited but also increases the sweet pain of separation. Whenever I look in the mirror I see him looking at me; whenever I listen to music I hear my feelings.

I feel what we have is much more than what either of us understands. I feel a much deeper connection than which can be explained. I felt that mysterious force whispering this from the beginning. I didn't know him and I still don't, but I still believe that we perfectly complement and complete each other.
************************************************************************************

After reading what I just wrote I just want to gag for a second. *gag* God, honestly, I would never ever have believed a few weeks ago that I would write something so mushy, maudlin and sentimental. I would have said, "No way! I don't fall in love like that. I'm too practical for it. I would never ever feel that way. And don't you know 'meant for each other' is just crap?" So, I've embarrassed myself a lot from writing this and other sentimental pieces BUT this is what I'm feeling and I'm happy to find yet another contradiction in me.
Hah! it's like I keep on changing all the time.

IT SHOULDN'T FEEL LIKE THIS

Yes, life works in mysterious ways! Who knows why and how things happen. I'm feeling so much for someone and I am just so confused about how things will work. I feel this insecurity that I just won't be able to live with out him. And I know I would have to now, a few years from now and maybe later.

Then, I've got all these fears and insecurities. It's eating me constantly from inside. It's horrible! So, here's my question: Isn't love supposed to be up-lifting, invigorating, something that gives security, warmth and makes one's life seem better? I'm sure it is; so why do I have this biting, sharp pain and insecurity? Why do i feel i won't be able to survive this?

Explain it to me someone.

DON'T JUDGE..YOU'RE CRAZY TOO!

************************************************************************************
(My rebellious, cooler side takes over)
When can I fucking start doing all the stuff that I want to do? Like, get drunk in a wild party and make out with lots of people? Or, joining a nudist colony? Or attending an orgy? Or, trying dope and ecstasy. Basically, go a little wild and loose before I grow up and become a proper adult with responsibilities and shit?
**********************************************************************************
(Introducing rebellious, cool but confused side)
I passed by a tattoo and piercing shop and I thought, "Hmm, so how about this?" It's kinda appealing but I guess, I would never do any such thing. It's not my style or maybe I would. I so have no clue about myself.
************************************************************************************
(From here onwards my freaky goody-goody two shoes self takes over)
I think I say all of this stuff and maybe even like the prospect of it but would probably never do any of that stuff even when I get the chance. Even when it's offered to me up front. Why? Because, it's too complicated for me. There are many issues involved. Moral, ethical, social etc. Things would bother me. And I don't feel I know myself that well to do something which might be a source of agony later.
***********************************************************************************
(And a warm welcome to the lame predominant side)
But sometimes I wish I could just fucking rebel as I can't take this conventional guy role anymore...I need to be just a little more unconventional. So, hmmm, maybe I should get a weird hairstyle?LOL
***********************************************************************************
(Ummm, who's this?)
God damn it! I need to study and become something in life and be a good boyfriend!

THE SHOW IS OVER...SCOOT!

BRUCE BOTHERS THE LOCAL GAY COMMUNITY

I could safely declare that this must be the most eventful months of my life. First, I went from never-been-kissed to being kissed so seductively that I'm permanently hooked on the memories of 'his' lips. Then, finally getting the opportunity to do atleast some depraved, decadent, socially-objectionable acts. There's nothing like being a sinful, wicked boy ;-)

Then I found how to make bookstores FUN!

And then I somehow stumbled into today. Well, I guess I managed to do that by waking up but I digress. The point is that today was yet another 'first' in my rapidly growing list of firsts.

There was this imposing LGBT (Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transgendered) community center near my neighborhood that I used to pass and stare at longingly. Whenever I passed by, it always taunted and tempted me with unknown prospects. The rainbow flag's image went into my visual cortex and bothered the decent Pakistani flag to marry it! So, the simple Paki boy gave into the relentless temptation today!

I am so proud of myself for being brave enough to face my inhibitions and fears and walk up those stairs and enter into that building and say, "Hi! I'm Bruce and I'm here!"
Disclaimer: I did not actually say those exact words but that was the gist of my introduction.

Then I got information on programs, support groups, events etc. I didn't stay long but the time I spent there wasn't important; it was the fact that I am slowly but surely moving on, taking control and discarding my inhibitions. Just a year ago I could not even mention the word gay in front of anyone and could never imagine that a year down the lane I would have come such a long way in my journey of self-realization. I am gradually breaking away from the social and psychological chains and I am glad that I could do all this and do it so early in life- it's more than what many other people can do.

Oh, I can just imagine my ancestors turning and tossing frantically in their graves. They already had decided that somehow a really bad apple was born in their family but now they've resigned to the fact that this bad apple is going to do much more--so much more!

MENTAL BREAKDOWN

Oh God! Today something happened to me. I woke up and suddenly fell in to such a severe attack of depression. It was definitely not like the usual sad moods. That is normal and that one can take. It happens sometimes one is down but this was not like that. It was so different. It was such strange mental anguish that I felt suddenly as if I won't be able to face life. A pain so severe that it shocked me.

I didn't eat anything-still haven't. "Are you okay?" my mom asked and suddenly I burst open and started to cry. Nobody understood what had happened suddenly. I couldn't either. It's never happened before-well, atleast not from a very long time. How do I even explain the fear and pain. It was almost unendurable and it terrified me. I'm worried that I might have some mental disorder or something. It was an attack. It definitely was but I don't know of what.

It's just that I've been really down for weeks now but it was still okay because it was the normal thing. I still functioned right. There wasn't that strange strangling insecurity. The pain wasn't unendurable or this extreme. This, on the other hand, was something that would prevent me from functioning. In a normal down mood one can control oneself and still feel okay and is just fine. That's why we all can survive anything but in a mental state like I felt it doesn't even matter what your problems are and the pain is so bad that one is completely paralyzed.

I feel better now but I'm scared when it will happen again.

SWEET DREAMS...

Ever had one of those dreams in which somehow you're naked and you feel very awkward but still you do everything and meet everyone in the nude? And-get this-end up having great sex with Sarah Michelle Gellar!

I should have more such dreams!

PAKIS

Spent the day in a very Pakistani way: with loads of relatives! It's so frustrating that no matter which corner of the world I go to there are always family members living there. Beware, people of the world Paki's are EVERYWHERE!

So, I felt so Paki when I went in to town in a huge car brimming with people. And then it was kinda cool to get out of the car and people would stare to see the whole family brigade! Then, we would form a huge group and go to shops and it was like a swarm of locusts! But, I kinda liked it; it's just soooo 'us'. We are Pakistanis and we are so cool!

But, then again we are Paki's: sitting in the lounge and talking to cousins. Every word is so conservative. Every thing so against what I believe in. Then the usual talk about family and Islamic values. Then somehow the topic of homosexuality comes in and everyone makes fun of gays, but the thing is that they use an exaggerated stereotype of super-effeminate, hand-gesture making guys. And then finally one of the cousin declares proudly, "I'm homophobic; these people are just so sick!" That made me sick. That's my reality. SHIT!

HAPPY NEW YEARS!

I wish that I had peers here to go out and party away the night BUT stuck up in my miserable sheltered life I did the usual. Went to a restaurant with family. I know, it's as pathetic as it sounds. BUT the restaurant was pretty good. Dad must have spent quite a lot of bucks to give us a good new year's treat. I had a choice of sophisticated dining entrees infront of me but I would rather go and chomp burritoes in the next Taco Bell's. I love Mexican food almost as much as I like Italian cuisine.
The rest of the night was spent watching a classic movie. EEEWWW!

But everything changed in a moment; like it always does with 'him'. The phone rang in the middle of the movie. "Pick it up, Bruce." Dad said in irritation. I picked it up and said hello and I heard his voice! Call me crazy but I instantly shut the phone off. Why? I guess maybe I'm so afraid that my parents will think that something fishy is going on that I panicked. That's the extent of my paranoia and fear. But I knew that he would ring again and I didn't know what to do. But this time I answered and took the reciever to my room after getting scary and curious stares from the folks.

Just that call made my New Year's celebration worthwhile. That's all he had to do. And I know that the next few days will be filled with unrest and angst again. *sigh* Why are there things forcing us apart?

Also, thinking about the teenage years lost have forced me to think, "Can I afford to lose this time aswell?"

Hmmm, What should be mine New Year's resolution?