DON'T READ THIS.

Today I read my november postings and was impressed by my writing but at the same time worried about my recent entries. Well not recent entries more like all postings after December 17. It maybe because before December 17 I was an unhappy, discontented guy who was full of excitement and life and who felt emotionally strong. I complained, cried and hated my life but I could face it and feel strong, resilient and strangely in awe and excitement at the magic of life. After December 17 however I became a depressed, anxious and insecure me which I didn't know existed. This new me can't relate to this blog anymore because its description includes the phrase zest for life and the general idea that life can be terrible but its still so nice and amazing. It was for the old Bruce who had a normal mind which was strangely secure and zesty not for the no-fun new Bruce who is trying hard to ignore the aching insecurities and craziness and so writes empty, candy-floss posts (well, some of 'em).

I have been in deep troubles since two years but they got worse and new ones kept on adding but I was still okay and the last thing I needed was pathological depression! I wish people could know me when I wasn't either going through serious constant trouble or mental ailments: I used to be a happy cheerful person most of the time who dealt with life's miseries perfectly. How can I deal with this depression? It seems to be a separate entity out of my control. I don't understand whether its because of circumstances or is it just some imbalance of neurochemicals in my brain and not caused by anything in my life. If it is because of my life and circumstances then maybe I can reign it in but if its something else-an imbalance or something that is separate from my existence-then I don't know what to do.

I'm particularly morbid nowadays. I am constantly worried about death, but not mine, other people's death. I get so insecure about someone dying and I think I can't deal with it. It's absolutely crazy; I can't believe this is still me as I never think like this. I was always surprisingly cynical yet optimistically resilient and didn't worry about stuff so much that it would disturb me. I used to just take it out maybe write a whiny dark post on the blog but then feel fine and live my life. It's not like this anymore, now I can never escape the pain. I think its not about anything but how I'm thinking. IT'S ALL IN MY MIND.

I'm so lonely; I have absolutely no company. I feel suffocated in this house, this place, this life. I can't find comfort or pleasure in any thing. I have no zest for life and no characteristic exuberance. I'm scared I won't be able to survive the next few months I have to live like this.