MISSING MY LOVE!

Get ready for some usual whining:

I miss 'him' soooo much. I just want to run away from here and go to his room and then hug him. To hug him like I was dying without him. To feel the mysterious life forces that he permeates. To be lying in his arms again and feel as if everything is perfect. I remember that night and I remember that day; firmly etched in my mind forever. I left something behind that I can't live without: it's you!

If only you could share your life with me. Everything would be so pleasurable. Simple moments would mean so much to me. The way you look, the way you smile, the way you joke, the way you touch me. I want to live with you. Can you try to understand that? Do you know that I feel as if my association with you transcends the ordinary? Why I found you and what I felt goes beyound the logical. The thought still resounds in my mind that some people are made for each other and everything associated with it, all the dynamics of these forces are beautiful. My existence without you is incomplete. Just hope our destiny is fulfilled.

IF I COULD HAVE BEEN YOUR BOY

I remember when I was 16 and I was reading about Ephebophilia (Boy-love). I remember reading about which types of boys were considered very sexy and appealing by the greeks and by many eminent personalities through out history. I also read about North American Man-Boy Love Association (NAMBLA). It was so fascinating to find that I met all the specifications of the sexy boy. And all of it overwhelmed me so much as this was what I desired from the deepest nooks and crannies of my soul. I wanted to be the boy-to be 'that' boy- the one in a relationship with an older man. I wanted everything that accompanied it; that way of being treated; that way of being loved and desired; those feelings. I wanted to be the object of affection; to be pursued and fondled. The catamite.

But time passed away; I grew old and am no longer a boy. It just leaves me with bitterness and a sense of loss. Loss of that phase in my life. It's such a pity that something I desired so much and that I feel was necessary for me to experience and to make me complete, can never be fulfilled.

It's too late now. And my desires have changed. Life has changed. It's just too bad that dreams and desires and ambitions are never fulfilled for me.

OSCIE'S TRAGEDY!

"I find that alcohol when drunk in sufficient quantities can produce all the effects of being drunk."
"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them more."
"I have nothing to declare but my genius."
"There is no such thing as morality and immorality in thought."

Oh, the tragedy of Oscar Wilde! Fuck, I can't even think of a big enough word to describe the appalling injustice and suffering. Oscar Wilde was a superb charmer with a command on language that has no comparison but he fell in a bottomless abyss that society made for him together with that slutty, shallow, despiseful Alfred Douglas (his Boyfriend). Just shows what happens to eminent people when Bruce isn't available (Hehehe)

I was just reading 'De Profundis' a huge autobiographical letter Oscie wrote when he was in prison for his bf. Oscie served two years in prison with hard labour because he was found guilty of BUGGERY! OOOOHHH! The shame! The horror! How could english high society have such a sinful disgusting man in their presence? So what did they do to maintain their purity and earn bonus points from god? They threw him in prison and subjected him with unimaginable shame. How pious :-)

And so it is exactly shit like this that makes me so angry at society and people that I want to lash out and fucking offend all those uptight, cruel, hypocritical prudes out there. And this is what strengthens my resolve to not to give in to the cruelty of society and to resist when it demands conformity from me-because it's not just injust but it's also downright cruel. So, Oscie is a hero who didn't give in and neither am I gonna give in. I will keep this battle for justice alive. I promise you that much.

WELL, ATLEAST I MAKE BOOKSTORES FUN!

Yup it's raining AGAIN!

But I actually felt good today after feeling low for weeks. Today, I went to Barnes&Nobles as I had finally decided to get those dreaded course books and actually start studying. I actually enjoyed the experience of going to the bookstore. But I just spent a few minutes getting my course books and then decided to explore!

Hmmm, where do you think a person like me would go first? The sex section ofcourse! So, there I was perusing through the 'The joys of gay sex,' and looking at other 'very' vividly illustrated books on gay sex positions. I decided I needed more time for this (duh!) so I sat down right there in the aisle and carefully took in the exotic sexual positions and that's when I realized, "Boy, Am I sexually tame! If only I get the opportunities... I must eventually do all this stuff someday." I mean, I don't even fantasize about such positions!

I felt I was in heaven as I never could do something like this in good 'ol Pakistan. I mean, here I was openly enjoying a gay sex manual in public (WOW!). How very liberating and how it suits Brucie perfectly!

And then how could I not enjoy being stared at by the other patrons at the gay sex shelf? They observed what I was reading, they smiled, some gave short comments like, "That one's nice." "oh! I better try that position." And I made it a point to show that I was very into the explicit pictures infront of me. WOW, Today could have been the best day of my life! First, this was the first time that I interacted with (apparently) gay people in USA and second it was just great fun!

DID I WRITE THOSE POSTS?

That's the question that popped in my mind as I was reading some of my previous posts and it has been a weird experience for me. First, it feels like centuries ago and then I feel as if I've changed so much. But the thing is that it has just been a few months! But the rate of change in my life is so accelarated that one month is equivalent to a year.

Second, I read in one post that I dream about Billy Zane and that i fantasize that he's posessive about me. Now, it just occurred to me that I should clear it up that eventhough in my fantasies I might like such stuff but I wouldn't like it in real life. I don't want someone who is insecure and posessive. Who would try to restrict my freedom or dominate me. When it comes to sexual fantasies I can have many crazy, freaky ones but that doesn't mean that I would want them acted out in real life.

Third, I wrote in another post that I think that I would be an awesome lover/boyfriend, but now I think that I wouldn't. I would probably not be that appealing or great. I thought that who ever would be my bf would be lucky and happy to have someone like me; I was full of crap! I don't know where that thought came from as I am always self-deprecating. Must have been a temporary high-esteem. It's just not true.

CLOUDS AND RAIN...LOVELY WEATHER!

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

1) Just when you think you are at a breaking point you surprise yourself and start anew again.

2) If you've been given $100 to buy groceries and you're happy that you will have enough money left after buying the essentials for those yummy snacks and candies; YOU ARE WRONG! Food is so god damn expensive here!

3) If sexy men and girls smile at you it is a good idea to smile back as well.

4) Apparently after sometime I actually start to see the beauty of continuous grey, cloudy, cold weather because I caught myself skipping cheerfully on the sidewalk today while chilly wind was blowing, there was a very slight drizzle and dark clouds were looming.
Actually, I was joyfully walking in a fast pace and then I unconsciously started skipping a bit. Then, I suddenly realized what I was doing and self-consciously looked around to see if anybody was looking and YES, a lady was looking at me. She gave me a big smile and a knowing look as if saying, "Yes, I saw you; it was cute though." I must have blushed. I walked forward but looked back and that lady smiled again and gave me a playful nod. I chuckled and went into the store.

5) I've decided that I will stop moping and crying and start trying to make my life in to something that is not so boring, depressing, unfulfilling and painful. I figured, 'If I can't do anything to change stuff then I should just change my attitude.' Make my life work for me. Yes, I'll have to deal with some more months of unadulterated agony but I better keep myself productive. As, from the last week or so I had spiraled into continuous moping and sadness. I used to go to these awesome places but never enjoyed it a bit. I kept on thinking, 'WHAT IF...'

6) I never cease to surprise myself. I WILL survive this one as well. And so will you.

STOP THE RAIN

It's been raining and pouring since two days. The clouds are constantly peering at me through the blinds. The weather is gray and gloomy. It is cold and chilly. Not a very good setting for someone who is already feeling very low. The news on TV is depressing; tsunami killing thousands.

I feel so worthless. I can not understand how to apply and do not have the strength or will to do it. I know I should but it's so difficult for me that I can't even start. It's a severe mind-block.

My health is really bad. I don't know why it's like this but since a few months my health has been steadily deteriorating. My appetite is almost extinct and I have no energy and I've been having loose motions and digestive disturbances and permanent flu.

I have had so many downs recently but they were followed by ups immediately and there was always a sense of well-being but now I feel so completely lost. I guess, it might be the drastic change of moving to a new country, new house, moving back with family and the phase of life I'm in right now BUT this time I'm afraid I might be slipping into real depression. I hope that doesn't happen and I snap back like I always do. But I can't study, concentrate or sleep. I was much better in Pakistan. I feel so insecure and disturbed.

Please, let the sun shine and bring warmth and security inside me. Let me feel normal like I did always, stop the pain!

MOM CRIES

Apparently, I got a call from 'him' sometime around 6 A.M when I was asleep and my mom picked the phone. She told me that some friend of mine had called so early. I knew it must be 'him'. She asked me who it was because she had forgotten to ask the name. So, I said how would I know if she hadn't asked his name. I gave her a list of possibilities. Then, she said that she was perplexed by all the new friends I had. And then she said that she felt like I was a stranger and she knew nothing about me at all. She said that she felt I was hiding something. I asked her, "Why do you feel that way?" She said, "Ever since you've come here, you seem so different now. As if something has changed. I don't relate to you. You are a stranger to me." WOW! Amazing, because That's how I feel with them.

Then she said, "What is going on with you? I'm very worried. You seem so sad, Bruce. Why won't you tell me what's going on inside you?" I said, "NOTHING!" and then came the tears. She started crying and then my dad held her and consoled her and gave me an accusing look. "It's just the admission problems and sense of incompetence and frustration. I'm ok; don't worry!" I explained.

The thing is, I thought I was doing my best to act as if I was happy and totally fine but I guess they could sense that something was seriously troubling me. That something was amiss. I've never been more depressed.

MERRY XMAS! HO HO HO

SILENT NIGHT, HOLY NIGHT
ALL IS CALM, ALL IS BRIGHT

Today was christmas day. Since, my family doesn't celebrate christmas I was left to find my own ingenious ways to celebrate the festive season. What did I do? I decided to get down to something that I find very frustrating and difficult to do and try to avoid doing: researching colleges and applying! I surfed a few sites but gave up in despondency and confusion. It seems that I've done everything in a way that makes the application process even more difficult than it is. International student, private student, wasted years and many more things. Where do I go for the forms that need to be filled by teachers? How do I account for missing years? And then there is the matter of financial aid and visa status. On top of that, I don't meet some requirements for admission and then the deadlines are already here. It's all enough to drive me crazy. I threw myself on my bed in despair as it seems that I'm too incapable to handle the process alone and I have no idea how to sort through this maze.


In the evening I went to an american family's home. There house was decked with festive decorations both inside and outside. Their whole family was there and christmas carols could be heard in the background. There were so many savoury baked goodies to tantalise my jaded tastebuds. The whole atmosphere was of light-hearted merriment. I really felt the festive atmosphere. I chatted with the family.

The one thing I don't like about being here is that it always seems as if people consider me really different just because I'm from Pakistan. People keep on saying things that shows that sense of being considered an outsider even when I don't feel like one. Like, "You speak english very well." "Do you know who Britney Spears is?" "It must be really hard for you to understand our cultural references." These type of utterances show that they think that I'm from a whole different world (and demonstrate their ignorance) when I'm still reeling from the shock that I don't feel much of a difference between Pakistan and USA materially or culturally. Yes, there are differences (lots of them) but not to such a degree that I would feel lost in this culture.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Tis the season to be jolly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

YOU CAN NOT WIPE THESE TEARS

You can not...*sigh*

I'm tired of it all. Why can't it ever get okay? Why can't God just let me live a life that doesn't keep on getting even more confusing? I just desire to feel happy, loved, secure. The coldness replaced by warmth. I've been waiting for all the missing pieces to come together and complete me.

I feel so changed. Last year I felt part of a family. I had some security and sense of belonging. I felt there were people I could connect to; my family. But now, that's all finished. The feelings have changed; replaced by a sense of emptiness. I don't feel connected to my family anymore. Maybe I've just grown up but the isolation it leads to hurts bad. I am just searching for the next step; a meaning for my life.

The thing is that I know I need other things now. I want 'him' and it hurts so bad. I am so far away. No one told me it would be so hard. One more day...fuck that, even one more second is too much. Nature abhors vacuum and there is a vacuum inside me and so it's too hard to take it all. I'm getting too confused. I'm pushing him away. I'm terrified. I just want him to be with me. Please be with me. I can't live like this. I want to be in your arms, next to you forever. I can not stop my tears. You don't even seem to understand the agony. You tell me to imagine you here but it can't be done. It's not enough. Where is your voice? Your thoughts? your love? YOU! you are not here. You will not be here for long. And then you will leave me forever. How can I ever show you the extent of my love? How can I tell you what living like this does to me? How can I finish all the things that keep me apart from you? I want to fucking break down all the FUCKING walls.

When I never get to hear from you, see you, talk to you. Your assurances of a future together mean nothing to me now. Can you stop the pain now? No, you can't! and that's why it's futile to tell me to imagine you here because you are not in my life. Why can't you wipe these tears? Why can't you do something? PLEASE! PLEASE!I DON'T UNDERSTAND! Why do I feel that it's never going to happen? The deprivation is too much. Separation is like living without my heart.

Why do I feel as if I can not make you understand me at all? Why are my intentions and feelings so hard to convey? When you called me each word was like a nail piercing my heart. I couldn't even say anything. I know you were upset. I wish I didn't make you feel bad. But what about me? I want you to do something, wipe these tears off now. Try it. Can you do it? How can you still expect me to be brave? I hate it that you can not take me back again. Why can't you break from the tradition? Why can't we do something wild? Why can't we fuck everything and end the separation? Maybe you don't care enough to do anything, so you tell me to be content (hah!) and hope for the best and leave me to hurt each second, like you don't care. You just don't care enough to do anymore than that.

Just wanted you to know that I am merely existing but can not live.
I need you.
let's go back to when you had your arms around me.
Don't ask me to be brave. Because you aren't here right now to make the pain go away.

CRABS AND BELOVED ONES

I'm feeling very unproductive as I've not done any work for about a week now. But today was a great day. I ate Dungeness Crab, Oyestors, scallops and shrimp. I loved the experience as this was the first time I ate all of that stuff. I also went on an hour long cruise on a really nice ship. The weather was nice and I saw Sea Lions sun-bathing. I stood on the deck looking at the water froth beneath me. I really liked the strong wind blowing on the deck and it reminded me of the famous Titanic scene in which they stand on the edge of the deck and spread their hands.

I love Taco Bell and I got to eat in it again today. I use again because I've been frequenting it for the last three days. I also went sight seeing in other places and went to Ripley's Believe it or not Museum.

I finished the day with shopping in a huge mall were I ate really delicious cookies.

But here's the down-side: All through out I felt as if I couldn't enjoy anything to the fullest. I had an unfulfilling empty feeling inside. It's just that I wish 'he' was here with me. It would have been so much more fun. It would have been so awesome. It would have been perfect. And then it's my family. I don't know why but I kinda don't like going around with them that much. This sounds so bad, I know, but that's how I feel. It's just not that much fun with family-although I love them. I kinda get irritated and bored. All the time I was wishing that I had friends who I could go to these places with. But most of all I wished that 'he' was here. I still feel disoriented here and that's when I think that I would feel much more better with 'him' here.

I FEEL SEXY!

I don't know why but I feel very sexy today. And also very horny! I am trying to control myself though.

So How can I find relief without being bad? Well, I did my usual thing whenever I feel very sexy. I put on sexy music get infront of the mirror, dance, and slowly take off each items of clothes. I love the way I look when I do that. Then, I imagine someone observing me and then I've got my whole fantasy which goes on and on. It only ends when I'm spent. I look really nice when I strip!

But I guess, I'm a completely different person with anyone around. I'm not that bold. I'm shy and inhibited. I want to end that and maybe it will wear off eventually. For that I need the right oppurtunities and encouragement. I guess, I could search for them here but I won't.

It would be so cool to be in a music video and be really shocking!

CONSERVATIVE USA

Just had to endure Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh. And then there is Fox News (Bill O'Reilly)! Grrr. I also happen to know the views of Michael Savage and Sean Hannity. And then there were the results of the recent election.

And I see almost no public displays of affection and absolutely no question of same-sex public displays of affection. I guess, all this place needs is Bruce to go around doing lots of things publicly that would make the rednecks from the bible belt scream, "See, that's exactly why we don't want immigrants in our pure land-especially muslim ones!" Hehehe

But this country is pretty cool. I could live here. Just needs some alterations to transform it from the ultra-conservative to moderately conservative or better.

GOD BLESS AMERICA

SHOP TILL U DROP!

Man, am I getting in the consumer drive or what? This society is so geared towards materialism that it's hard to resist the tide. So, today was another day spent shopping and loving each second of the shallow materialism.It's great to be a shallow materialist but for that one also needs loads of money which, unfortunately, I don't. So, in the end I am left making a mental list of things that I want but can not get.

I am eating so much now. The first few days here were spent in shock and a kind of angst of separation. I was missing him so much. Ok, let's give this guy a name now...ummm...well, I can think of many names but all are revealing or embarrassing or obscene. Hehehe. I really can't think of any name. Shit! Can anyone suggest one?

TIS THE SEASON TO BE GREEDY

Tis The season to be jolly. Shala lala la lala la la.....

Christmas is coming soon and the streets, shops and houses are decorated with a festive spirit. The shops and malls are full of shoppers pushing each other to grab that limited offer. It warms my heart to find out that christmas does nothing to our rude,selfish, greedy hearts. BUY BUY and BUY even more, cuz it's christmas time!

I lie awake at night in my room and look at the street and stare at all the decorated homes. I think about how good it would be to have 'him' with me here.

Happy Holidays to me!

THE HOURS

Oh God! Yea I know it's been long since i've posted and it might be even longer after this. Things are happening in my life. Huge things. How life changes, huh? It's all so weird. Life is so weird.

When I started this blog, I had just entered a new phase in my life and now that phase is finishing. I can safely say that the last 4 months of my life has been one marked with extraordinary changes and experiences. It has all been so fast that I have hardly had the time to take in the huge inflow of information. I would have never guessed that this blog could take me to the places it did and make me meet people who might change the course of my life forever.

I flew to Karachi to meet him. I initially planned to stay for about 3 hours but when the time came to leave I felt frozen. I heard a voice screaming at me to stay longer. It wasn't even a choice, I had to do it to live. And I delayed my return fr early next morning. Then my life changed. I changed. I don't even know how to write about what happened to me.

I had so much more to give you. So much more to tell you. You have so much to explore about me. But I had to leave and it's killing me inside. The pain so bad that I feel as if I can't breate.

I had one day with him. A single beautiful day. That day; that fateful day. How can a single day change everything in my life? A single night in which you respected me and my body. And all the while we both knew that I was going away. It was so painful. It was so beautiful. It was so hard. It was so awesome. Does anyone understand what it feels like to feel as if your whole existence and self feels a deep affinity with someone and you're experiencing life with that person but all along you know you have to leave the next day-In a few hours.

When I was lying next to you...how can I explain what was happening to me. When the clock was ticking and I felt you next to me. When there were a few minutes and you held me for the last time and kissed me. I told you to move on and in the process crushed my heart so bad that I felt vomit coming up. I wanted you to believe that this was it for me, I don't care for more or for you. Do you know what it did to me to say those things that night? You told me you don't want to discuss it but how could I ignore the pain I feel for you? Why should I make you waste your life for me when I don't know when I can meet you again? Your life is precious...I want you to live, not waste away in waiting, when I might never return. It's the hardest thing for me to say but I want you to take that one day but not base the rest of your life in the assumption that that day might continue someday.

Then when I was leaving. I couldn't hide my tears. That last kiss. The last look and I went outside sat in a taxi and then...all throughout the flight...when I reached home...God, the pain, I felt unable to take a single second of it. Thinking, "make him believe it's over. You don't care. Make him hate you." But I wasn't strong enough. I called him, I couldn't even speak because I was crying so much. But I stick to my wish that you won't get stuck on a single day. I still hold on to that thought. Let go.

Now I'm going away. Far away. A new life for me begins....

STUPID ITS THE SURGE OF SEROTONIN!

I'm trying hard to cope with so many new emotions inside me. Who would have thought that I could be so irrational! I always laughed at the thought that people could develop feelings for someone on-line or just by calls. How dumb are those people? But then I surprised myself. I now know that I might be dumb aswell. I am a zombie; I believed that I could never have any emotions-real emotions- for anyone. I just care for everyone generally. And I like some people alot, but it's different this time.

I'm not ready to break the system yet. My rationality forces me to take a reality check. And when I contemplate about it, I find it totally senseless. But my question is, is the senseless the only sensible thing to do?

No, it's just an image; a desire that got awakened somehow. A thought crazed me: That there is something, that some part of me is telling me about it and it says, "meant to be."

ANOTHER DAY

Another day. A big change is coming in my life and as the day approaches I feel more ambivalent about it. I love the change, I love changes in general but I feel like I'm losing something. I met so many great people in the last few months. And otherwise, I was getting used to one place and started feeling a sense of belonging and (God Forbid!) roots. But everything gets uprooted like always. People will eventually forget me and move on and I will be at a new place, start meeting new people and then just when I start settling in I would move again.

I LOVE IT!

BUSY BEE

I'm learning what it feels like to be always out of time. To be always on the run and getting late. Today, I've been running around town all day and felt completely hassled for time. At the end of the day I'm exausted and finally had some time to recollect my thoughts and feelings. I realized that I'm doing all of this for certain goals and the more I try, the harder it seems to achieve them. I started feeling like no matter what I do I'll never be able to reach my destination.

I didn't want it to be so hard. But then someone reminded me that eventhough I hate it right now but I don't really prefer the easy path anyway by narrating this poem which is unconsciously echoed in the landscape of my consciousness:
" Ragoon mai doornae phirnae kay hum nahi kayal, jo aankh hee se nahi tapka woh lahoo kya hae?"
A rough meaning to me is that to experience life and enjoy it even, one has to feel the pain intimately. It seems like the maxim, 'No pain, no gain' But it seems more deeper to me, like saying that there is beauty in pain.

Thanks for reminding me of that.

THEN HE STRIPPED FOR ME!

Well, like I've always said, "The world spins in its axis by the sheer force of strip shows esp. ones performed for Brucie or performed by him!"

So, if Jalal suggested one for me performed by him, how could I be so evil as to refuse to give the poor man a chance to keep the world spinning? I'm not a bad person!

So, a few glimpses of his *ahem* and a lot of eye-fulls of his pants, didn't make it such a bad day for me. I could get used to it actually.

One of my aims in life is to perform a mind-blowing strip show for a room full of horny, drunk, stupid men. And if God permits, I shall fulfill this noble aim somewhere in the future. I am sure I could be a great stripper aswell.

Ok, enough of stripping and strippers let's talk about immoral stuff for a change (Wha?) I decided to be truthful in my applications and not lie about anything and support those lies by false documents. Like, I was offered by an uncle to get a work certificate from him to show to colleges. But I refused as I'm an immoral fuck who thinks that it is unfair to get an advantage by lying. My conscience strikes again and that's why I'm such a loser and will not get in any college!

Don't try to figure me out people!

IT'S SOMETHING ABSTRUSE

Boy, just as I was getting relieved that the ordeal of exams was over I get aquainted with something called an application form. These forms claim to be simple and user-friendly but they are nothing like that. I have learned that to decode what they're asking, one actually needs the help of a consellor- or since we don't have many of those here-teachers. But being a private student entails the curse of figuring it out your self. It's like everything is out to tell me, "So you think you don't need anyone in life to help you? You think you are self-sufficient?" Well, I'm NOT, ok? I'm not and I hate it right now when I would love to have somebody, like maybe, my parents here to help me out when I get stressed out and low. But I don't.

I don't really care about anything but being successful in life. In my academics and career. It's not about money or materialism but it's a need for survival and meaning. Life would be meaningless without atleast something to occupy my mind or achievements to make life worth living. But I am not seeing it getting achieved. I'm just the opposite of my ambitions i.e I'm not hard-working enough. It became so important to me once I realized that I would have nothing else in my life but my career to keep me going. When I understood that I would never be in a relationship. The sense of missing any real emotional intimacy in my life makes me want to make up for it so that I'll have something solid to base my life on. So, that's why I don't care for anything else. I've never been in love and never will be. It's cool, just give me my achievements!

I'm not going to slip!

I'M BAAAACK!

Ohhhh...has God released a horde of sexy guys and gals? Because I saw so many sexy guys-and girls, for that matter- in the examination centre that I got completely bonkers. And so many of the sexy ones were being so amiable with me that I felt extra special. One sexy girl had become my best chum or something in just an hour. The hour I got because of the delay in the exams.

There was this guy who just shook my hand and then held on to it. It got a lil' weird with him talking and talking and still with my hand in his so I tried to politely pull it out and he seemed puzzled. I succeeded eventually, though! Man, he was hot!
So, I didn't mind.

The exam itself was hectic and long and stressful BUT hopefully I think the result will be satisfactory.