YOU CAN NOT WIPE THESE TEARS

You can not...*sigh*

I'm tired of it all. Why can't it ever get okay? Why can't God just let me live a life that doesn't keep on getting even more confusing? I just desire to feel happy, loved, secure. The coldness replaced by warmth. I've been waiting for all the missing pieces to come together and complete me.

I feel so changed. Last year I felt part of a family. I had some security and sense of belonging. I felt there were people I could connect to; my family. But now, that's all finished. The feelings have changed; replaced by a sense of emptiness. I don't feel connected to my family anymore. Maybe I've just grown up but the isolation it leads to hurts bad. I am just searching for the next step; a meaning for my life.

The thing is that I know I need other things now. I want 'him' and it hurts so bad. I am so far away. No one told me it would be so hard. One more day...fuck that, even one more second is too much. Nature abhors vacuum and there is a vacuum inside me and so it's too hard to take it all. I'm getting too confused. I'm pushing him away. I'm terrified. I just want him to be with me. Please be with me. I can't live like this. I want to be in your arms, next to you forever. I can not stop my tears. You don't even seem to understand the agony. You tell me to imagine you here but it can't be done. It's not enough. Where is your voice? Your thoughts? your love? YOU! you are not here. You will not be here for long. And then you will leave me forever. How can I ever show you the extent of my love? How can I tell you what living like this does to me? How can I finish all the things that keep me apart from you? I want to fucking break down all the FUCKING walls.

When I never get to hear from you, see you, talk to you. Your assurances of a future together mean nothing to me now. Can you stop the pain now? No, you can't! and that's why it's futile to tell me to imagine you here because you are not in my life. Why can't you wipe these tears? Why can't you do something? PLEASE! PLEASE!I DON'T UNDERSTAND! Why do I feel that it's never going to happen? The deprivation is too much. Separation is like living without my heart.

Why do I feel as if I can not make you understand me at all? Why are my intentions and feelings so hard to convey? When you called me each word was like a nail piercing my heart. I couldn't even say anything. I know you were upset. I wish I didn't make you feel bad. But what about me? I want you to do something, wipe these tears off now. Try it. Can you do it? How can you still expect me to be brave? I hate it that you can not take me back again. Why can't you break from the tradition? Why can't we do something wild? Why can't we fuck everything and end the separation? Maybe you don't care enough to do anything, so you tell me to be content (hah!) and hope for the best and leave me to hurt each second, like you don't care. You just don't care enough to do anymore than that.

Just wanted you to know that I am merely existing but can not live.
I need you.
let's go back to when you had your arms around me.
Don't ask me to be brave. Because you aren't here right now to make the pain go away.