ISOLATION

Yesterday was a day that completely altered me. They say when something really bad happens to you and it shakes you down to the core, you emerge a new person. Well, that's what happened. I mean, I'm the same person but many things I believed in and the way I thought I was and the way I percieved my life and future all changed. To explain what happened I'd have to reveal my deeply-held secrets; which I won't. These are things I haven't told ANYONE. NO ONE. And these are things that hurt me the most intensely and viciously. I finally came face to face with them and they attacked me with such force that everything changed. And when I realized the extent and truth of the matter I realized that nothing and no one can save me.

I don't believe in religion or science or relationships. The only thing that I'm sure of is that I will not get the things I desire most in life. It's a certainty.

I got a phone call from my parents after a long time. I felt so disconnected with them and I showed it. I told them that they shouldn't waste money on phone calls which made y mother cry she said she wanted to hear my voice and how could I be so cruel. I felt nothing. I am so hurt...I didn't care. I'm cutting away from them now. When I finished the call I felt so cold inside. Some feeling I can't explain but there was real awful pain...and it brought a single tear and I finished all other emotions and pulled up the wall placed around me yesterday and this time it's never coming down.

A DAY WASTED IS A DAY WORTH LIVING

"Ha! So you think you can compete with me?" (condescending tone) That's what I said when I beat my friend in a game of cards. Yes, I know, I should be studying for my exams but I needed company so I called one of my friends over to my place. It was so much fun. Much needed relief. Then we went for a walk to the city market for some further socializing and chowing!

Then he suggested spending some hours in a gaming-zone but I thought, "Shit! How am I gonna cover my course?" I mean, I almost never study; I just talk alot about studying but never get down to it. But I still went to the gaming-zone and played 'Medal Of Honour.'

Then finally came home but didn't hit the books but instead hit the sack after chatting late till night with a guy who was too interesting to leave for sleep. But by 3 am I was dozing peacefully dreaming of sex.

ANGER

I can't believe how idiotic Mr.Capricious is. I told him today never again to chat with me. He told me he was married and while he was married he used to see other guys behind his wife's back but when his wife had an affair he divorced her and kept the custody of the children as well. Does he know what a divorced women goes through in this society?

And then he told me later that he's NOT divorced but separated and is trying to get back together (huh?) and yet he's telling me online that he loves me and want to meet me?! Well, fuck him! I told him to get lost and he said, "So what if I'm married? It's not like you want to marry me." No, Asshole I was looking for casual stuff but not with a person who believes (in his words), "Marriage is for procreating and sex is for fun. Sex is different from marriage." So that makes me his sex toy and his wife his fertility machine. What, he thinks he can exploit people like that? Kinda like men keeping wives and telling them to be pious and at the same time keeping mistresses for their 'manly needs'. Well, people like him can go get castrated before I decide to come and do it myself.

If you can't be monogamous then why be so weak to be pressurized in to marriage and not be able to put up a resistance? Because your weakness will tear up not only your wife's life but also your children's.

I can't even think of the appropriate abuse to hurl; that's how angry I am!

CLOUDY

Today the weather was cloudy and my mind was even cloudier. The last 2 weeks have been productive and I had today planned. What I had to do all written down. I woke up and fell in an abyss of depression. Don't know why it happened. I was all alone in the house all day and I didn't draw the curtains. the house was dark and I was cowered at a corner in my room. Breaking up and losing my sanity. I've had bad days before but never like this. I've been through tougher times and still felt better than today. I don't even know what is causing the darkness but I feel angry, scared and extremely depressed. My life didn't change from the it was yesterday but my mind did; my view of life changed. Every thing lost it's importance. Nothing seems to be in my control.

EMPTY & NUMB

'I hold my breath as this life begins to take its toll.'
Evanescence

Keeping my self occupied in work seems to be the only way to maintain my sanity as just as soon as I get a few moments to spare I spiral into depression and dysphoria. When ones life troubles one so much that one has to avoid thinking altogether, what does that mean? It's not tangible, observable matters that are bothering me...no, its the feelings.

I feel like I'm an island separated from everyone by the vast, oppressive ocean. I try to reach out but am incapable of doing that. I just want to know one thing: What is it like to have emotions? Those emotions which help you relate and bond with others. How does it feel to have romantic desires and emotions? For God's sake, I've never even had a crush AND that's what its all about: NO EMOTIONS! I'm an empty hollow shell capable of rational thought only, with no emotions.

No matter what I do I can't escape the fact that I'm dead already.

Go, work now Bruce because you're capable of nothing else. Just spend your whole life working and never have any 'real' relationships or feelings as you're incapable of that. Then your body will die aswell like your soul has died.

Can anyone understand? No one can...no one will.

TOO MUCH WORK!

I think I'm going to have to stop blogging for a week as I'm having exams and there is too much work pressure on me. I have absolutely no time for anything. It's so frustrating that we are required to learn so much that it seems almost impossible. So, I will return fresh and updated after 5th December. Wish me luck on my exams!

COMING OUT TO PARENTS

So, how is one supposed to tell ones parents about ones homosexuality? And when? Those are very important questions in my life that I'll have to figure them out eventually. But I feel there is no need to hurry. I mean, I figure that I should inform them of this news after I'm financially-independent and stable. But the thing that worries me is that that might take a long time- almost a decade. And I feel that as a person ages he/she becomes more rigid in their set world-view and thus it becomes difficult for them to change or accept something new. So, maybe I should tell them now when they seem in tune with society and quite liberal aswell. And if I start living out the gay lifestyle soon then I think I would prefer that they know the truth rather than hiding from them all the time because that might get frustrating. Oh, man, decisions...decisions!

BITCH, YOU TURN ME ON!

Sexual orientation is such a grey-area: Today while busy in prurient acts I was really turned on by imagining a female body. So in my concupescent haze I found a magazine and stared at the sexy females- scantily clad and evocative- staring back at me. Maybe it was just an over-dose of sex hormones running through my veins but I was turned-on and the heterosexual imagery was working- to my astonishment. I caressed the model's body in my mind, I held her and tore her clothes in pure ecstatic urgency and fucked her like there was no tomorrow. I swear, the imagery was pretty wild and raunchy and man, DID IT TURN ME ON! But the thing is all through out there was a liberal dose of homo-erotic images aswell. And to get a hard-on originally I HAD to use my favorite men.

I'm quite certain now that I don't believe in the simple but restrictive labelling of gay, bi and straight. I think it's much more complicated, flexible and varying. It seems to me that sexual orientation is like a continuum from the straight to gay and that the majority of people are neither pure-straight or pure-gay OR maybe no one is. Maybe everyone is capable of both homo and hetero behavior. It really seems as if strictly labelling people as gay helps to keep other people straight by forming an alternative self-image. Eventhough, most of these straight people might have homo-erotic impulses but this society restricts and thwarts them.

So maybe we should stop pigeonholing people into simple groups and considering them as completely distinct type of people and instead accept that no body is really gay or straight, we're all sexual beings capable of both orientations and the only difference is in the degree with which a particular sexual orientation is manifested. And that may be due to both biological and culturally-inculcated factors. Cross-cultural studies do support this thesis and it just makes more sense to me.

THREE MOMENTS...MY WHOLE LIFE

1)Today I was traveling on a bus and I saw a guy who I really liked. I don't know why I liked him but it was just a sudden attraction. I mean, he was attractive but it was more than the physical attraction thing it was as if his whole personhood was strangely drawing me to him. And fate had it that I eventually ended up sitting with him. I wanted to stare at him but I couldn't so I kept on catching slight glimpses of him. I so wanted his arms tightly wrapped around me and his mouth on mine. But then his stop came and he went away forever. So, does anybody believe in 'meant to be' or 'soul mates' or any such crazy mystical stuff? Because I really don't.

2)Today an auntie came to visit me after a long time and as soon as she saw me she started to cry. She sobbed and whined about how everything had changed and how fast and impersonal pakistani lifestyles have become. Then she depressed me with sob stories about the tragic deaths of her mother, father and brother recently and that was the real reason for her sobbing. She complained that nobody has any time anymore. And I was thinking, "You're god damn right, so can you please go now cause I have a lot to do and time is running fast!" But she kept on blabbering and chatting-on and on. Then finally she spared me and left after 2 fucking hours!

3)Lastly, I felt the French revolution was happening today. Why? Cuz after dining out at an expensive restaurant and then stopping at a bakery to get pastries and donuts I met a poor guy who started to shout and scream at my uncle and auntie. Actually I didn't witness all that happened as I was inside the bakery and when I came out to the car the drama was coming to an end. My auntie told me that this guy was being really vulgar with her when she was sitting alone in the car. Then when my uncle came this guy started acting mean with him. That made my uncle flare up and shout at him. That's when I came. I felt extremely sorry for the poor man. I felt intense sudden guilt and I empathised with the poor guy. So when we were driving back home and my Uncle was grumbling at the poor guy I felt obliged to speak up in his favor, this made my uncle even more angry. He said he couldn't believe that this guy had been so mean and irreverent to us and had humiliated us and I still speak in favor of him. But the thing is: I know that that guy had no right to misbehave with my aunt and then my uncle BUT I still feel that due to all the injustice and inequality sometimes people might just snap and want to lash out albeit inappropriately but it still makes sense.

This day reflecting the times; reflecting the era I live in. I feel that it is just these simple, every-day moments which reveal the truth and intricacy of life the best.

'A single day and in this day his whole
life.'

SO PLANNING TO HAVE A CHILD?

I just can't understand the concept of one's name living on through ones descendants. The belief that through ones children one can transcend death in some way. And in our patriarchal society it means that ones genes, name and personhood lives on only through the male lineage. First of all it is a misogynist patriarchal idea and second it makes no sense. I think it is an idea concurrent with the group-oriented, traditional outlook of life. But when a person believes that everyone is an individual then to think that you might live on somehow through your male descendants makes no sense. Having children only matters when one is alive but after death it doesn't matter if you had children or not.

Okay, so if you're wondering why am I so pissed at this value, here's the reason: I'm the only male descendant of my patri-linear family line. My paternal grandfather never stops reminding me of that and the responsibility to carry the family on. And I'm like, "Whatever!" This family line is finishing at me and I'm not sorry for destroying the efforts of the millions of ancestors before me trying to keep the family tree growing. This tree is going down now!

I swear, population boom makes me so angry and frustrated that I wish no body would have more than a single fucking child for atleast the next 20 years. The human race has expanded too much, I'm afraid if we don't stop growing we'll head straight for the Malthusian reality of wide-spread destruction. Resources are limited and I just hope we don't end up devastating mother earth.

STOP PROCREATING SO MUCH!

SAN FRAN NEEDS ME

What I really desire is complete financial and personal freedom. I want to live alone on my own; support my own self; do my own thing; have my own house, car, furniture etc. I want to experience that so much but I worry that it might happen to late in life. I want it to happen now or in a few years, when I'm very young.

I always imagine living in San Francisco. It's like my dream and ambition. I hope one day I'll be living comfortably and be independent, healthy, young and happy in San Fran. But I realize to make that dream come true would require a lot of effort and I also accept reality and it tells me that don't think that this dream could easily become a reality. So, I guess it's just a dream that I'm holding on to for now.

IT WAS THE WITCHES!

One of the most irritating part of Eid is getting up early in the morning to go to the local mosque for special Eid prayer congregation but it is paradoxically also quite a special event. I mean the prayers is what sets the day different from an ordinary holiday. And only when one sees all those other people well-groomed, dressed-up and grinning can one comprehend that it is Eid today. But even so I was still not happy about being awoken at around 7 a.m.

After the prayers it seems to me as the whole day is an extended session of 'feed-my-stomach-people' because I went to numerous houses and everywhere I just basically stuffed myself with the goodies and rolled my eyes at stupid things people usually say. Speaking of which, a man was telling me that it was the White House itself which carried out 9/11. And then there was that Auntie who said in a very matter-of-fact way, "A lot of our problems are caused by witches and ghosts." The point is, there was ample display of stupidity. Thank God my family has rational, lucid individuals or else I would have to deal with conspiracy theories and superstitions as an answer to every problem in this world. Some thing like, "Oh! that mosque got bombed? Must be the Jews or Hindus or hmmm...could it be a curse from an evil whore?"

I love going to an ice-cream parlor on Eid day. It's one of those supposedly 'hip' places but the ice cream is good. The markets are always fun because I can feel excitement in the air there. BUT the fact remains, Eid is also a pretty boring time. Especially since, there is a lot of excitement building up for Eid- all through Ramadan and then waiting for the moon to be sighted- that when Eid actually comes it sorta falls short of the expectations and the bubble bursts in an anti-climactic way and one is left to stare listlessly at TV. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to what I just said.

All in all, it was just like every other Eid but in many ways it was the most different, special Eid I've ever had in my life.

SIGHTS & BITES

Wow! had an extremely busy Eid and Chaand Raat. Had no time to spare for blogging. I think I'll narrate a few of the sights and bites tomorrow!
Once again:

EID MUBARAK TO ALL AND SUNDRY

VISUAL OF MY LUCK

My luck is such that if there is a chance a knight in shining armour is around he would get stung by a hornet which would startle him and make him fall off his noble steed. Then he would slip and fall into a cesspool full of toxic waste and become a mutant and only then will he arrive at my doorsteps. *sigh* Yup, there you go; a visual representation of my luck. I might actually accept that toxic crusader.

YEAH! EID IS COMING

Ohhh! Ohhh! Eid is coming near. Yippie! Although Eid is supposed to be a family event and my family isn't here with me but still I'm excited. I got new clothes and a new hair-do. God, I want everyone to see it! But it's boring not to be in college. Everything is much better in college. You know, when you get a new hair-cut and all your peers notice and comment. But I'm left with a few remarks by relatives and believe me it's no fun with relatives. It's fun only with family and friends NOT uncles, aunts and irritating too-old or too-young cousins.

Yes! Eid...(drifting off to better memories) it was such a magical time for me when I was a kid. Then it's intense pleasure started to fade when I became a teen. When I was 14 I disappointed my parents by not acting all excited and happy about it. I just sulked as they dragged me from one relative's place to another. But when I hit 17 I started appreciating this tradition of ours. I mean everyone is dressed fabulously, girls are wearing bright colorful colors, men look well-groomed; you get to eat alot of sweets; meet a lot of people; get alot of money; get to spend alot of money AND you get to look mind-numbingly hot! So, what's so bad about that? I say, the whole world should celebrate this lively, colorful and fun event!

By the way, I also love Halloween and Christmas. When I was a kid, my dad used to dress as Santa Claus on christmas eve and give me presents. But christmas is much more fun in a christian country like UK or USA; I used to have more fun there not in Pakistan because no one celebrates christmas that much here. Same with Halloween; I had a blast trick-or-treating when I was in USA but here I sometimes just don a mask and hit a restaurant which has a halloween themed night. Were can I live so I can enjoy both cultures equally? Why am I torn between two worlds?

EID MUBARAK HAPPY EID

I HATE THINKING OF A TITLE

Spent the day in a weird state of bliss. There wasn't any particular reason for feeling happy and-believe me- my conditions and circumstances are nothing to be happy about but still, there they were, these emotions, sticking out like retarded aberrations in the gloomy surroundings.

Sometimes ones' emotions and circumstances don't tally. Usually, if you have a bad day, you feel bad but sometimes it's like: you have a bad day, you feel like a million bucks! Hey, Allah, I think you forgot to proof-check the emotional system of the human brain for errors; cuz it's less than perfect. God, I'm seriously disappointed in you after putting you up in the pedestal of perfection this is how you behave?

Oh, how could I forget? I actually had a painful experience of guilt today (lasted for sometime only then lapsed to the freaky blissful state). It was when I saw poor children playing on the streets (Galli ke bache). They had dirty, torn clothes on and their surroundings were disturbingly squalid. I came home and sat at my desk; my brain whirring with activity; I picked my pen up and wrote this (btw, I don't know anything about poetry, so ignore any structural or stylistic mistakes; it just came out, I didn't think):
NO NAME

Laughing, smiling ragamuffins;
playing blithely; full of life;
pure joy shining through their eyes;
it was their moment to revel

I felt my heart break for them;
how happy and joyful they are now;
but these innocent smiles will be stolen;
life will punish them for their poverty.

That's it. Well, that's it officially but my mind added another final ironic line just to spite me (it simply loves doing that!). Here it is, in the end:

And God will punish me for my riches. (ouch!)

See, this is exactly why I find it so hard to enjoy myself. I hate you mind!

AAAAAAAHHHH!

What the hell is happening? Today, another guy I know-let's call him Mr.Canada- told me he liked me very much and i got confused so i asked him what he means so he said that he loves me! I freaked out as I wasn't expecting this. He's a really nice guy and i've met him a couple of times but I thought we were friends! But thn I showed my confusion and trouble and he completely backtracked and said it was a joke. Then I chose to ignore what happened and laughed along! Huh?

Mr.Capricious said sorry today. Double huh?

HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 SECONDS!

Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least. Here are some of the highlights:

1) Watched a superb movie: 'The Hours,' it is my all-time favorite movie. This movie is so awesome and well-made. There is so much depth and emotions; it's as if I get totally emotionally engrossed in it. Because that's how I view life: every moment has so much in it, so many emotions and repercussions! An ordinary day has the most significant parts of your life. I love this dialogue at the end of the movie:
" To look life in the face; to know it for what it is; to love it for what it is and then-at last- to put it away."
AND
"You can not find peace by avoiding life, Lennard."

2) Had an interested chat with Jalal. I love his blog; everyone go check it!

AND FINALLY, THE PIECE DE RESISTANCE:
3) Then a guy expressed his true love for me! Yeah, really! This guy-let's call him, Mr.Capricious- has been chatting with me for some time now and yesterday he suddenly told me that he is in love with me. I was shocked to say the least. Ofcourse, I'm not so naive to actually think that he meant it so just to put him in a rough spot I said, "So if you really love me then can't you fly down to my city?" As he lives in Karachi (very far). I thought I got him but then he shocked me again when he said that he would definitely do that soon. I was almost touched by the gesture. I thought I would definitely meet him then. Everything got hot and emotional. Serious love was sprouting when Mr. Capricious showed his capricious side. The love went flying out the window when I pressed enter to send this sentence, " So...How many other boys have you told this to?" Oh my God! All of a sudden he forgot his undying love and said, " I can't be humiliated like this anymore!" and fucking left! I was flabbergasted! After all he did tell me to ask anything I wanted and I think I was totally entitled to know the answer to that question.

So, anyone who wants to take lessons in how to lose a guy in 10 seconds, hit me a line and I'll give you choice sentences that are guaranteed to make that true love vanish like the piece of scrumptious cheese cake I'm eating right now! HeHeHe..God, I crack myself up!

HE EXPRESSED HIS LOVE

OH MY GOD! A guy I've been chatting with just told me he is in love with me!

BRUCE MEETS QUEER PEOPLE

This has been such a tremendous year of growth and change for me that it's quite unbelievable that things can change so much in one year. For instance, It was only in April that I first came out online and that was a huuuuuge deal for me; a major step. I remember suddenly discovering that there were queer people in Pakistan who actually shared their thoughts with each other and that there were whole on-line queer communities. I remember being almost shocked at discovering that, as I thought that no Pakistani would dare to come out, let alone form support networks. I remember how excited I was at my first chat with a gay guy. I remember my first message on a Pakistani gay message board. It was an incredibly eventful, exciting and liberating time. I had never ever shared this part of me with anyone and I was dying for support. Just getting those eternally closeted thoughts out there was an incredible experience. And I'm so fucking glad that I dared to do that because I met the most amazing people due to my postings in that message board. I can't believe my luck at finding them; they have been an incredible source of support and strength for me.

There was this really impressively intelligent and 'cool queer girl' I met through that message board. She was one of the first persons to respond to my first message. The first words she wrote to me touched my heart but I didn't know then that she would become a very special friend of mine. We started to chat on-line and I enjoyed the chat sessions immensely. Then one day she asked me to call her; I was excited because it was like a really important event for me. Just a few weeks ago I had never even met a queer person in the virtual world let alone actually talk to one in real life. I called her up and had an amazing conversation with her. I almost remember each word. Then time passed and we kept on chatting and then I finally met her one fateful day. Oh my God, I was such a nervous wreck that day but when I met her I acted very confident and composed. I swear, it was one of those magical moments which stay forever embedded in the pleasant memories of ones mind.

Then through her I met another amazing person. This guy was much older than me so I was kinda apprehensive about meeting him but then 'cool queer girl' assured me that it was worth meeting him and boy, was she right! He must be the most impressive, attractive and kind person I've ever met. He is one of those people who have a personality that shines and dazzles you. When ever I met him I felt as if I could learn so much from him; he just seems so wise.

My first meeting with him-let's call him 'careless whispers,'- was one of the most amazing events of my life. I was nervous but I was excited more, as this was such an adventure for me. I had traveled to his city and I actually took a bus and went to his place on my own and that was kind of like a first for me. To travel in another city all by myself-not in my parents' car- was so liberating and then to meet a much older gay guy alone on my sole initiative; it was amazing. I liked him the moment I saw him.

It was such an amazing day I spent at his place. I ate great food, drank excellent wine. Since revealing my sexual orientation was such a big deal for me it was like I could discuss anything with him. And that was something I had never done with anyone else. I remember being amazed at how I was able to tell him so much sensitive stuff; there was just something about him that made me want to tell him everything- all my fears and problems- as if just baring myself to him would make it all better, and remarkably it did! And then he sang songs for me while playing his guitar skillfully. Oh, wow! The whole experience was almost surreal; I just felt that it was a very special-almost magical- moment of my life. One of the songs he sang was 'careless whispers' by George Michael; and it got stuck in my head. When I came back to my city, I instantly bought George Michael's CD and kept listening to 'careless whispers.'

So this post is dedicated to these two amazing personalities that I can't believe I had the luck to meet. And I just hope that I can also be something for them and can affect their lives in a positive way as they have mine.

Thank you for just entering in my world guys!

BROKE

One problem after another; they keep on piling up. How much can one person bear?
(urdu)'akhir mein kitna bardasht karon?'
Today I feel close to a nervous breakdown. I've never been in a worse state of mind. I have no will to live.
I never got love in my life and never will.
All my dreams and aspirations have been shattered.
I hate my life; I can't bear one more day of this agony. Can't be brave...just can't!

IS DEMOCRACY THE BEST OPTION?

I've realized that the U.S system of elections is quite abstruse to understand. It's complicated but it sure is interesting like hell! But it's kinda sad that Bush is going to win even after Kerry's arduous campaigning. I know, I know, the result hasn't been announced yet but it's my intuitive feeling that Kerry's gonna lose.

Watching the whole election is like a drama; a form of entertainment-with legendary rockers; fire-works; debates; celebrities...it's fun! But the reason why the whole world is so interested in U.S elections is that the result effects many countries around the world. U.S policies and actions can easily turn the course of current affairs either in the positive or negative directions. So, apart from the entertainment value it's also real concern that fuels the world's keen interest in the elections.

I have been wondering whether democracy is a successful system of governance or not? I guess, theoretically it seems quite good but it isn't that perfect in reality. Just looking at U.S one sees that the government is not representative of almost half of the populace. The two-party system really doesn't offer much choice or change anyway, as both parties tread middle-ground in an effort to please everyone. Many people feel disenfranchised no matter who wins the election. The voter turn-out is also quite low meaning that the winner is voted by a minority of eligible voters and so doesn't represent the will of the people.

It just seems to me that citizens have very little say or power to change or control the processes of governing. There are many nations who are with the U.S in the war on terrorism but the majority of citizens of that country are against it, like, Australia, Italy, U.K, Japan, S.Korea etc. And that's what makes me think...maybe democracy was a step forward from the previous forms of governance but maybe we need to move further onwards and devise a more representative system for the modern post-industrial society.