EMPTY & NUMB

'I hold my breath as this life begins to take its toll.'
Evanescence

Keeping my self occupied in work seems to be the only way to maintain my sanity as just as soon as I get a few moments to spare I spiral into depression and dysphoria. When ones life troubles one so much that one has to avoid thinking altogether, what does that mean? It's not tangible, observable matters that are bothering me...no, its the feelings.

I feel like I'm an island separated from everyone by the vast, oppressive ocean. I try to reach out but am incapable of doing that. I just want to know one thing: What is it like to have emotions? Those emotions which help you relate and bond with others. How does it feel to have romantic desires and emotions? For God's sake, I've never even had a crush AND that's what its all about: NO EMOTIONS! I'm an empty hollow shell capable of rational thought only, with no emotions.

No matter what I do I can't escape the fact that I'm dead already.

Go, work now Bruce because you're capable of nothing else. Just spend your whole life working and never have any 'real' relationships or feelings as you're incapable of that. Then your body will die aswell like your soul has died.

Can anyone understand? No one can...no one will.