MY STATE OF EXISTENCE

Life...That's just it. It's happening all around me and it fascinates me. Life can and does beat the shit out of me but surviving that is what life is about. And this blog is about me, someone who doesn't fit any stereotype or label. There are alot of labels I posess Pakistani, Muslim, Young, Gay, Student but I don't want to fit in some pre-conceived notion of those labels. I maintain my individuality and this blog is the affirmation of my uniqueness.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

SKINNY DIPPING IN THE PACIFIC!

I was miserable; couldn’t get rid of the hopelessness. Life was empty and so painful. I have always had a high achievement motivation, or conversely a low one. I have always wanted to be very good at what ever I’m doing; I have a streak of perfectionism, but it is usually not backed by the appropriate drive and motivation. It was about a year ago; my mistakes had gradually descended me in an abyss of failure. I was behind my peers in academic achievement and had a searing sense of despair over lost time. I was extremely unhappy with myself and constantly berated myself over not achieving anything substantial.

I felt so lonely and isolated. I was studying privately at home with no friends and no company. I desired love and attention so much. Then I met H and it led all these desires and feelings to brim out of control. Then I was thousands of miles away from him, and I couldn’t forget him. I was so frustrated and confused. Nothing was clear and I didn’t understand what was going on between us. I just knew that I liked him and wanted to be with him, but it felt impossible.

My self esteem was so low because I had nothing to prop it against, no achievements, no friends, and no life! Therefore I desired attention so much; it was against my nature to be literally forced by circumstances to be so isolated. This was when I visited LA and stayed at my relative’s place for a week. I wasn’t excited about Disneyland or Universal Studios—nothing!

Haziness everywhere, dread. A million thoughts writhing on the dance floor of my mind—useless. The smoke on the dance floor wouldn’t let me understand what was happening, what was the dance about anyway? That’s how I felt—so confused. So with a dead heart void of any fun I faced LA. There I met a guy, I’m going to call him Nathan; He was living at my relative’s place. My gaydar went *beep beep* every time he came in front of me; I was sure he was gay. Nathan (27) became my tour guide and he was a damn good one as well. Conversations have a way to lead to the matter which people ‘really’ want to talk about—He came out to me. I didn’t reciprocate, but told him I was bi-curious and wouldn’t mind having sex with a guy if I was ever attracted to one.

After this he got much more open and relaxed around me. Revealing stuff and lightly flirting with me. He told me that he wanted to tell me stuff because he liked me. He said he found me attractive, and I never knew whether he was serious or joking when he flirted. I didn’t think much about it though; I wasn’t attracted to him much but I enjoyed the attention.

Then I woke up to a beautiful clear sunny LA day. After a few hours I found myself driving around LA with music blaring and feeling so fresh. I had been living alone with only my parents and absolutely no company, I was very glad to be with ‘someone’ other than my family. Then there was the breathtaking white sand beach with the Pacific Ocean frothing and caressing the beach. It was a great spot that he wanted to show me—totally secluded. “Amazing!” I exclaimed when we had reached that place. It was just the clear blue ocean and white sand beach as far as I could see with not a soul around. We walked around with the ocean greeting our naked soles (not souls!). We talked about sex, life in general and sex. Then he suggested that we go skinny dipping! *act shocked now *

“Wha? (!) I don’t think so.” I refused. But he wasn’t about to give in that easily, he kept on convincing me and then he finally said something like this, “Look this chance will not come again. Who knows what happens next. It’s a beautiful day with the Pacific right there inviting you. You will never have this day again. You’re young, enjoy the opportunities you get. It’s harmless fun. Its ONLY skinny dipping. Nothing else, ok? You can even keep your damn boxers on! Plunge in!” That convinced me and I took my clothes of except my boxer shorts while Nathan watched me and smiled encouragingly.

Me in my underwear facing the ocean waves—I suddenly felt so alive! I felt free from the constant angst that had ridden my every moment for so many months. I felt happy for the first time after so long—relief! I felt so much excitement as I let the water envelope my almost naked body. The cold water jolted me to life! ‘I deserve this’ I thought. Nathan took off ALL his clothes and joined with the water’s body. We threw water on each other and I couldn’t stop laughing.

Standing on the beach under the comforting rays of the Californian sun; standing tall under the open blue sky. I felt so comfortable with my body. Nathan was sitting on a rock just looking at me. “What you looking at?” I asked him. “You look so damn sexy right now! Please take off your boxers.” He implored. “No!” I exclaimed. He approached me and grabbed my hand. My first instinct was to pull away, “Don’t worry.” He whispered in my ear. I wanted to stop him, but I was mesmerized. Looking straight in to my eyes he drew closer and placed his hand on my shoulder. He slowly traced his hand down my back while bringing his lips nearer and nearer to mine. His hand stopped just above my butt and his lips remained very close, just about to touch but frozen. It was the most erotic position; nothing was happening but the idea of a kiss.

I suddenly felt guilty and pushed him away. “I don’t want to do this.” I calmly told him. “Don’t worry, ok!” and with that he pulled me towards him and hugged me tightly. My shivering self welcomed the heat of his body. I wanted to just let go, but I couldn’t.
“Take off your boxers now!” He said hoarsely.
“Is that an order?” I teased him.
“You bet, honey!” He replied and winked at me.
“Well we’ll see about that.” I chuckled and started running away from him. He chased behind me. I couldn’t stop laughing; I gave him a good chase, but he eventually caught me and wrestled me down to the ground. He grabbed me hard and was about to kiss me again. Then I thought about H, about how much I liked him. This wasn’t right—not at all. This was supposed to be H not this guy. It was clear I was hopelessly infatuated with H at that time. “Don’t.” I stopped Nathan. I got up and immediately put on my clothes. Nathan looked somewhat pissed off, but was fine afterwards. We drove back home and then pretended nothing had happened.

That night I caught H online. I told him I was in LA. I wanted to tell him what had happened and how much it had made me miss him. I wanted to tell him that the impact he had made on me was perplexingly strong. I wanted to tell him that it must mean something, right? But I said nothing like that because during the conversation he said something like, “Why don’t you find someone for yourself?” Then I thought, ‘If he doesn’t mind me being with someone else, asking me to look for someone else, it clearly means that he doesn’t really want me to be with him.’ I told myself that nothing was going on between us and nothing ever will. That’s it. I never told him, except now he’ll probably know.

ELECTRIFYING EXPERIENCE--LITERALLY!

AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!

Yesterday I had written one of the most beautiful, soulful and deep post that I've ever written or am capable of writing. I had poured my soul in describing my feelings and experiences. It had been difficult and exciting. It was all complete and it was my masterpiece. I was about to check for any errors when suddenly the fucking electricity went away! Black out! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

I got so fucking frustrated and disappointed. I literally screamed out of anguish and then threw myself on my bed. Later I didn't feel like writing that post again. I feel I can never recapture the essence of what was written--but I'll try.

:-(

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

STAY TUNED

Oooo, I look so good in my new suit! *happy*

Anyway, I've decided two write two posts about two very personal events in my life. I've wanted to write about them for some time now, but resisted the temptation due to the sensitive and personal nature of these events.

So STAY TUNED. I will probably write the first post on Monday, 27th February 2006.

Anyway the girl who has a big crush on me came to visit me. Let's call her Bubbles (for lack of a better name). It was fun. Bubbles looked AMAZING. She prattled effusively, looking cute in her tight jeans and short pink top. Basically it was all about getting me to admit somehow that I like her as well. The looks, the hints and the words were all geared for me to somehow say something on the lines of, "I like you." Surprise! Surprise! It didn't happen. So after spending a whole night with her just strolling, chatting and eating she decided to give up and try later. *Grinning*

Thursday, February 09, 2006

WHAT AN ORGASM!

I'm at peace right now! I just had the best few seconds in my life till now, I swear. I've masturbated a million times before, but it was never like it was today. I had a really free, lonely and empty day today. I'm not complaining because I needed a day like this for a long time. In days like these I finally get a lot of time to think and fantasise about what I like best--men!

I spent the day in a grand fantasy story with interesting characters and lots of sex. Every fucking type of sex. It was conventional; it was meek; it was radical; it was kinky; it was hot and intense; it was hard and tough; it was emotional and intimate and it was exquisitely romantic.

When I woke up today (around 1 pm) I masturbated. Then about half an hour ago I masturbated three times in a row and then it felt as if I couldn't possibly do it again. But I persevered and it took a long time for the pressure to build up. I had to keep the imagery intense and the pressure hard. The tension steadily built up and then it reached the verge of release. But the difference this time was that it felt like my body wasn't going to release the tension. I was stuck with the exquisite tension on the verge of an orgasm. I could feel it coming and was going crazy but it wouldn't come. It was the most pleasurable agony known to man. And then with a loud groan I started orgasming and it was the most deepest and intense orgasm I ever felt. It felt as if every neuron of my body screamed with pleasure and my groin muscles contracted with violent spasms! I was literally screaming and it was the longest orgasm I've experienced. When it ended I was gasping for air and couldn't believe that so much pleasure was even possible.

Then just one thought: "This with a man I love--I'm going to die!"

I WANT YOUR TOUCH

I want to feel intimate with someone. I might be getting a little frustrated. Sometimes I feel as if I'm attracted to girls. I mean I seem to be experiencing female imagery in my fantasies and some girls in my college just turn me ON! But then some hot guy shows up and I totally forget about the girl!So I guess as long as there are hot guys around I won't be able to concentrate too much on the girls.

Sometimes I want to hurry up and get in a relationship because I don't want to grow older for this. I want to know that there was someone at this stage of my life who experienced a relationship with me. I feel like I have to find someone NOW. Then again most of the time I'm not in any hurry at all. I am well-adjusted and happy. I've got my own life and things are finally going relatively smoothly. I don't need any romantic involvement at this stage. Then again I might not 'need' it but I wouldn't mind one!Wouldn't mind at all!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

I KNOW

I know that today was one of those slow, relaxed days, which I hardly get any more. I know that I have a sense of tension building up due to the mounting workload, which I refuse to get started on because I am just fed up with it all. I know that the person that I like the most in my college is also the person with whom I'm the most careless and inconsiderate. What I DON'T know is why do I do this?

I know that its not what I want to do or even plan to do, but somehow I screw it all up. I don't nurture or protect the friendship instead I damage and scar it. I know that I cherish the time I spend with him, but I also know that I act as if I couldn't care less whether he is around or not. I fight with him constantly and bitch about him with everyone.

I know that today we fought again. He shouted and was brimming with anger. I know its not all my fault--hardly. But I also know that I have my fair share. I know that yesterday I did it again. I made him bitter by the way I acted--rude and inconsiderate. Yesterday I had to take sides and like always I didn't take his side. "You never take my side, you never stick up for me." I know I'm sorry. I know that he wanted to tell me that he was disappointed and hurt and wished I would understand, and he was shouting at me just trying to tell me that. And I refused to placate him and tell him that I cared instead I said he deserved the hate of others, I told him what bad things people say about him and that they were all damn right. I told him that I loved every second when the others dissed him and bad mouthed him. Hell I even joined in! I know he said, "I don't want you as a friend, you're not worth it." And that's the last thing he said.

I'm afraid that I'll make him permanently bitter towards me. I hope I don't drive an irreparable wedge between us. I know that I like him a lot. I know that I don't want to lose his friendship either.

I know yet I just don't know.

*******************************************************************************
I think I should add a background to this otherwise it misrepresents the idea. This guy, chocho, irritates me a lot and we're in a constant battle of embarassing the other in front of people. Yet we are close friends and spent inordinate amount of time together each day. So you could guess how frustrating it gets. Yesterday he irritated and disappointed me, and I kind of reacted too strongly with the anger I felt. I said sorry today--meant it.