THE RETURN OF THE...

There I was sitting peacefully studying commerce, when my cell comes to life. I nonchalantly check the screen to see who's calling and then I freeze for sometime with indecision. Yes--H. Should I pick it up or not? I remembered how many times I tried calling him and all those smses that didn't stir him at all, so I decided to not answer the call. The ringing finally stopped. Then he called again. CANCEL the call! Afterall it was all supposed to be over--everything. Then he called again, and I had to pick it up because I wanted to talk to him so much!

Apparently he had called in to apologise for his behavior. I didn't spare the chance to rub it in and make it lucidly clear how I had felt. But what more could I do anyway? I had already forgiven him, and I was actually pretty glad to hear from him again. I mean the thought that I would never talk to him again had been hell that evening when I realized that he will not answer my appeals. The only thing that pissed me off when he called was that I had to go through all of that for what? NOTHING! But it happens, people have emotional swings. Its just that I never expected him to have emotional swings, he just always seemed so calm and rational. I always felt that I was the one susceptible to sudden mood swings.

And then again the request of flying to his city to meet him and stuff. I really don't get the use of that proposal. All it represents to me is unneeded confusion. It just doesn't make any sense. If all I want is casual sex then I can surely get it here, no need of going any where else for that. So that only leaves attachment as the sole reason and that is essentially troublesome in a long-distance, rarely-meet situation. I have maintained that I want to keep contact and meet platonically if we happen to visit each other's cities. He doesn't seem to think that's a good idea or something. Anyway atleast its back to square one :-)

It's just so good to hear his voice though.

COMFORTABLY BURY THE RELATIONSHIP

I returned back to home after a long time for Eid-ul-Azha. The first day at home was marked by a record breaking sleeping and brooding session intermitted with some little sobbing and whining to friends. The next couple of days, on the other hand, were marked my frenetic activity and a palpable sense of peace and comfort. Then the last day of the holiday was tainted by an unsettling sinking feeling which passed and led to the light peaceful feeling again.

The question is what was the basis of the emotional background of my eid holidays?
Answer: C-L-O-S-U-R-E

A vague and ambiguous relationship finally got rudely slammed and terminated right on the first day of my holidays. Due to some small tiff or something a few days earlier on the phone, H had not been replying to my smses or answering my calls. I was too busy with my exams to think about it much. Then came the first day of free time for understanding and contemplation. I didn't think it was anything serious, so I wrote another "I'm sorry," message but no reply. There I was alone in my room with emotional music on and nice weather and scenery spread out in front of me from the large windows of my room. The point is that free time, emotional music, personal space and good scenery makes one very susceptible to heart break and sentimentality--I vouch for that! Therefore I was like, "He didn't reply! well this calls for an emotionally appealing sms" Then I messaged him and basically asked him to reply because I was feeling really bad and stuff so if he cares then I better see the reply. NO REPLY. I messaged him telling him that if any of our shared experience meant anything or he ever felt anything for me then reply. N-O-P-E! Then I was like, 'Ok bye but atleast do one last thing for me and call.' I just wanted to bid a proper farewell to a person who I had associated in a weird but still some how meaningful way. I mean this pseudo-relationship was a part of some plane of my life afterall. I waited and waited and then at one point I suddenly realized what had happened: He was never going to reply--rest in peace relationship!

He was like a person quitting smoking cold turkey. COLD turkey. Last time I talked to him he was asking me to come to Karachi and then suddenly he dismisses every single thing in a cold, rude way. The feeling of suddenly being dumped from a relationship that didn't even exist was weirdly perturbing. But the thing that bothered me was that I felt insulted. The fact that I was asking him to reply if he cares or cared and his not replying clearly showed that there wasn't an ounce of care left and that was just unexpected because he was definitely NOT showing any signs of alienation from me.

It's funny how many times I had tried to completely end this relationship, but some how the interaction always began again--mostly due to him! It's also hilarious that his last sms implied flirtation! Its mind-blowingly chuckle-worthy that he sent absolutely no signal of a closure and then suddenly one fine day, out of the blue come Mr. I-don't-exist-anymore enters the picture!

I was definitely pissed and hurt. I called two of my really close and understanding friends immediately to whine and complain and cuss. I talked and talked with them. They were a God sent and helped me relax a bit. Thanks a lot guys!

I wanted to write an angry post but I decided otherwise. If this came out as angry then its misinterpreted. I am NOT angry at H at all now. I don't hate him at all--now. I am not bitter either. This was purely a descriptive post about my reaction and feelings at that time. I DO hold certain grudges and complains, but no hate. I think that H is a great person. He has always been good to me (except this time) and I will always remember him positively (except this last part) and relish the (better) memories. :-)

I just wanted to say that things end, big deal. I may not agree with the way H ended it or understand exactly why and why now, but I do support his decision. I also understand that the only way to end something is to END it and that means no replies to messages, no matter what. I had actually tried doing that myself before at one time, to end all contact with him, but at one point I caved in. But this time I'm certain its the final chapter's conclusion. I was tired of refusing his appeal to come to Karachi anyway!


So it ends only with two things:
1) Disapproval at the way it was done and a bad after taste;
2) Complete understanding that it had to be done, and relief and lightness at getting closure.

DEAR GYM INSTRUCTOR, DON'T MISS ME!

I wanted to learn how to play the good old ubiquitous guitar. People told me I have a good voice for singing. I sang and they gave me their approval. But I feel awkward singing in public. I'm a bathroom singer. If you want to hear me singing, join me in the shower. Hehe

I thought I would be able to sing in public with the authoritative confidence the guitar brings to one. So that's why I wanted to learn how to play the guitar. Additionally I had this motivating image in my head: me impeccably dressed and looking sexy in a party held in honor of my excellent novel and then I go on stage and start playing beautiful music on my guitar and blow people's mind up.

So I started taking some lessons from a friend. I was all enthusiastic. My friend told me I was a quick learner. Then somewhere down the lane I drifted, and the extraordinary guitar-playing Bruce is still waiting to be born!

Then there is the episode of fitness-craze. I decided that I needed to start going to the gym and working out. So I started going to a gym and pestered a gym instructor to give me time, attention and effort. I told him eagerly, "I'm going to come here everyday, and you have to devise a work-out routine specifically suited for my needs." I discussed the routine with the instructor and nutrition and all sorts of details. I went there passionately for a week and then...well let's just say I got irregular *Grinning*!

The thing with me is that even though I do this sort of stuff but if I really get serious then I'm sure I'll do well. I usually do well in stuff I put effort in but the problem is that I'm just such a lazy-ass guy. But I am totally motivated to get regular work-out sessions and learn how to play a musical instrument. So coming to the point *Drum roll and trumpets* MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION:

1) Go to the gym regularly
2) Learn how to play a musical instrument
3) Get excellent grades
4) Go to an awesome gay party

PARTY BOY!

"Everyday is a winding road; I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign; I get a little bit closer
And yea, I'm feeling fine!"

Everyday is a paradoxical mix of monotony and fresh newness. Everday provides me with new stimulations, experiences and ideas. Everyday is brand new and unique. Yet everyday is the same, in the same campus, with the same people and the same schedule. But I think this is how life is, and in fact this is how life is at its best. The best is no where near perfection though--far from it. I guess I should rephrase by writing, 'Life near its best but potentially greatly improvable'.

The New Year's was AWESOME. The parties I've been attending are mind-blowing. Good luxurious decor; sumptious food; awesome music; lots of eye-candy; fashion; booze, pot and nicotine; celebrities and the bright lights hitting me on the dance floor!

I finally got to experience 'the' party scene. I mean the proper party scene and not the cheap dorm bashes with cheap liquor and Nachos. This is some real heavy stuff. The venues at these parties takes away one's breath. Lots of flower arrangements, candles, huge LCD screens, lighting effects, perfect cutlery, perfect service, perfect furniture, a jazzy dance-floor, professional high-end DJs, extreme eye-candy ushers and receptionists and all the little details perfectly taken care of. The four-course rich-man's food and expensive wine all add to that magical experience. The crooning of the exotic, eye-candy singer makes one feel like royalty. Then the party starts when the impeccably dressed and groomed glitterati take the dance floor and shimmy till the sun rises again. And so there I was dancing and drinking and eating and looking.

In conclusion parties are a very necessary survival tool for the college student whose life revolves around the stresses of never-ending assignments, presentations, tests and exams. It is needed for the student who has to deal everyday with a weirdly convoluted and distressing social network of friends and peers at his/her dorm and campus. It is definitely needed for the mental release of the student who lives a structured, hard-working life. The reckless abandonment is a must.

But then again its just a substitute for something else. Something to provide me with a sense of calm and fulfillment. I don't want to feel the sense of despair at my daily life so that I need to 'lose myself' in some heady momment on the dance-floor. What am I trying to avoid and forget at these parties? What am I looking for?

Peace, acceptance and love.